Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I have come to realize that with every death, there are so many wishes. Ever since Euan died, I have had too many to count. I wish I had one last chat with him. I wish I could've told him I loved him again. I wish he had survived. I wish I had been able to see him in person again. I wish his family could be with him on a journey of recovering, and not mourning him. I wish, I wish, I wish.........
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
In the last 16 years, I've never really dealt with losing someone very close since then. Until now. In the past year I've lost 2 people I loved very much. Mason's death was very hard to take, even though he seemed to know he wouldn't be around that much longer by the time he had died. I was just getting to the point of being "ok" with it when all of a sudden, Euan died. It wasn't expected, I don't even think the surgeons expected him to pass. I'm not sure the hurt I feel right now is going to ever go away. I have so many questions, so many whys, so many tears that I keep shedding. I keep apologizing to Euan, wishing that he could have had his 2nd chance be successful. I know he had so many things he wanted to accomplish after he got his transplant. He wanted to be a mentor for others who were facing a transplant, and I know for sure he would've done a great job. He also wanted to have a shot at applying for a job at Pixar. Obviously, he wanted to have more time with his family, and watch his niece and nephew continue to grow up. He adored them. And I know he also wanted to be able to come over here and visit, and hang out, and hug me and kiss me (he had said that to me a couple months ago when I told him I was considering moving to the South b/c I was constantly freezing in the winter). The possibilities were endless for him after his transplant. I just want to know why he wasn't allowed to have all those chances.
I truly hope not to experience any more losses for a long time. I'm not sure I could handle anything more than this right now.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Then Euan died. And since then, I feel so disconnected to God, and my faith has been shattered. I know I have no right to question Him and wonder why things happen as they do. And it's not that I don't believe in Him anymore, because I do and always will. Right now, I just do not trust Him. And I'm so torn about it. I try to pray for Becky, the one person left on my prayer list for transplant, and I'm finding it extremely difficult to be sincere about it. I don't understand how I began last Tuesday so in awe and thankful for God's answers in prayer, and then by the end of the day, I don't trust Him at all. Does God even understand how I'm feeling about that? Is He sad because I lost my faith in Him? Will anything comfort me and bring Him back to Him soon? I don't know. Maybe my acceptance that Euan is gone will help bring back my trust in God eventually. Right now, that acceptance hasn't happened. I'm trying, I really am, but none of this has gotten even close to being resolved.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I went out for dinner with my parents Friday night at the Polish Nook, for a fish fry. We went to Walgreen's and Tops after that, and I was completely exhausted by the time I went to bed.
Saturday I went to the Outlet Mall with Joanie. She needed to exchange some stuff at Bath & Body, and then we went to Old Navy. I hadn't planned on getting anything, but I found 2 skirts I liked, tried them on, changed sizes and bought them. Thank goodness for Joanie's 30% off family and friends discount. I only paid $16 for the skirts. We went to Walmart to get some things, and then had lunch at Mom's restaurant. After a quick trip to Joann's for some wire, she dropped me off. I took a nap so I could try getting some rest before going out with Eve and Erin for Erin's bday, which had been Tuesday. I got to Erin's around 8:30, Eve came a bit after that, and we went to the wine bar. I really tried to enjoy myself as much as I could. Eve told us that she was planning on getting married by the end of the summer. I tried to be happy for her, but the news was just like a knife into my heart. Not her fault. If Euan wasn't gone, I might have felt different. I got home and cried myself to sleep.
Sunday I was going to the bead expo with Mandy. When she got me, Joanie was also in the car. We got to the convention center, and after paying admission, we walked into the room full of nothing but beads. It was like taking a crack user to a room full of crack. It did take my mind off things for quite awhile. Everything was so pretty. I bought some beads, Mandy got a couple things, and we left after a couple hours. We went to Wegmans for some sushi, a few grocery items, and Joanie brought me back home. I took a long nap with Mittens, got up to make dinner, and after washing dishes, I wrote out a sympathy card for Euan's family. Then I made some bracelets for an order for a phriend, and went into chat for awhile. I'm about to go to bed in a few.
I feel like a huge part of my future got ripped out of my history. I feel tremendously sad. I go to sleep at night, or take a nap during the day, and I don't feel like I've rested at all. I wake up to turn over or move in the middle of sleep and I feel like I'm having a panic attack and I can't believe all over again that Euan's gone. I feel so shaky most of the time, like my body's going through this trauma of losing him just as much as my mind is. What is hurting the most is that I can't say goodbye like I would like to. His parents had visitations all this weekend at their house, and he was there. I wanted to go so badly. His funeral is tomorrow, and I can't go to that, either. I have no passport. I don't have an enhanced license. I will eventually, but I don't have it now. It sucks. I know I can say goodbye in my own way. I'm just not sure it'll be the same.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Euan and I shared so many things in common. We both understood what it was like growing up feeling different, being more limited than the other kids we were around, including our siblings. We shared our feelings on what it was like knowing that some of our dreams just would never happen. But we also shared how we made new dreams. Dreams that weren't so impossible for us to achieve. We shared so many laughs, so many "Oh my gosh, you feel that way, too?" moments, it never seemed to end. We wrote very long emails to each other, and even spent time on the phone. The connections we had to each other was always amazing to me.
After almost 2 years, Euan and I actually met each other in person in December 2005. He came over here a couple days after Christmas, and we met at the Tim Horton's near my house. I remember when he called me to tell me he was over the border (yes, Euan was Canadian). I was so nervous. I waited a few more minutes before getting into my car, and then I went to TH. I parked in the lot, and looked around. I couldn't tell if he was already there, and I admit a small part of me was so freaked that I almost didn't go in. But, I got out, went to the door, and got ready to open it when I saw him sitting at a table in the corner. He noticed me and smiled, and I swear, my heart did flips. Somewhere inside of me, deep down, something told me he was the person I was supposed to be with. I'm not sure where that came from, but it was like a what? kind of feeling. We gave each other a big hug, ordered some lunch, and had the best hour just talking almost nonstop (we did have to eat in between sentences!). He surprised me with a box and a beautiful snowglobe inside. It wasn't expected at all, and I found it to be so sweet. After our short visit (we both had other things going on that day), we said our goodbyes, promising we'd get together soon to hang out and spend even more time getting to know each other in person.
That meeting didn't happen until August 2007. In between that time, so many things happened. Euan's health went back and forth often, to the point where he had to move back home with his parents. There were long periods of time when I wouldn't hear from him, but I usually sent an email here and there just letting him know I was thinking about him. In the summer/fall of 2006, Euan spent many weeks in the hospital, and we reconnected again. We talked almost every day online, and he said those chats helped that hospital stay seem not so dreary. It was that time when I admitted to him that I liked him. He was so surprised, and yet, he told me that he liked me, too. And then I was surprised! Our conversations then started turning into ones that involved so many more feelings. He got out of the hospital, and we continued to talk for months after, but not quite able to get together. In August 2007, his parents brought him here, and went to dinner while Euan and I chatted away. It was like we'd been hanging out forever. We had been, just not in person. We were having such a great time, until we kissed. Well that wasn't horrible, it was really wonderful. But his heart didn't like it so much. It was beating so fast, and not slowing down at all, and I felt so awful about it. He called his parents, and they picked him up and almost raced to the border so they could get to Toronto. We looked back at that time and laughed about it, but I really couldn't believe that that had happened!
Eventually Euan was ok, and back home, but for the next almost year, we weren't able to get back together. We did, however, spend that year falling in love. We talked so much during every week. Hours at a time. We shared stories and laughs and secrets. We wondered what it would be like after he got his transplant and would be able to come over all the time so we could be together (something we both wanted so badly). On Valentine's Day in 2008, Euan and I had a "date," and he took me to romantic places around the world. He'd send me links to live webcams in Niagara Falls, Rome, Times Square, Cancun, London and Paris. Just to name a few. We watched what was happening in those places, and pretend we were there enjoying them, too. We held hands as we walked across the street in Times Square. We kissed at the palm tree in St. Croix. We wondered if his family was awake in foggy London so we could visit them. It was the most romantic Valentine's Day I had ever spent with someone, even if we were just visiting the world from our computers. I will never forget that creative adventure Euan planned for us.
By the springtime of 2008, Euan and I kept trying to make plans for me to come visit. We had a day picked out, and then something came up with him. Another day was planned, and then I thought I was coming down with a cold, and I didn't want to expose him to anything. We tried yet again to get together, and something else happened that didn't allow me to get over there. It was frustrating to both of us, but more to him. He started to feel that we weren't going to work out, and he kept giving me long reasons for how he was feeling and everything. To me, it felt like he was giving in too easily. I wanted to be with him no matter how long I had to wait, because as I told him many times, I thought he was worth it. Things ended badly between us by the early fall, and I just said I couldn't talk to him anymore. We kinda said our last goodbyes, and that was it.
I was so upset over everything that I deleted most of my memories of him from my blog. I got rid of every email he ever sent me. The picture we took of that night he was over here, deleted. The physical picture I had, torn up. I only kept the parts of my blog that I wrote when I first started talking to him back in 2004. At the time, I thought that was worth remembering.
Months went by, and I missed Euan terribly. I kept wondering how he was doing healthwise. Finally in April 2009, I decided to send him a brief email to find out how he was, mainly because I had so many signs reminding me of him that I thought I needed to find out. I wrote saying I hoped he was well, and that I understood if he didn't want to hear from me at all. It wasn't long or drawn out. It was just an email to reach out to him because I knew deep down inside that I would always care for him.
Euan wrote back the next day. He apologized to me for everything that happened that previous fall, and explained that he knew it was mainly his fault. He had seen so many family members, friends, former coworkers able to get married, have kids, move on with their lives, and he was stuck not being able to do anything because he was sick. And he said he took that out on me, which he never intended. He hoped that we could keep in touch again because, as he put it, he felt like he had lost his best friend after all the months we didn't talk. He said he would totally understand if I didn't want that, but to know that he did still care.
Ever since then, Euan and I had written back and forth, and been able to chat online. It was almost like nothing had happened. In the last few months, I started to realize those feelings we had for each other never went away. I made a comment to him one night that I was seriously considering moving down South because of how frozen I've become during the winter. He immediately said I couldn't do that because after he got his transplant, one of the first things he wanted to do was come over here to see me again and give me a big hug and kiss. I was kinda surprised, but also a bit delighted. Several weeks ago, I had fresh flowers here, and we got talking about how neither of us get flowers from anyone. He told me he'd buy them for me, and I said I'd do the same. I actually looked up flower deliveries, but holy crap, they are so expensive. He said they were, but that meant we'd just have to be creative like the Virgos we are and come up with a different plan. We also got to talking about writing each other letters. Like, actual live paper letters that you have to put a stamp on the envelope and send. So, after a few days of thinking, I made flower stationary and wrote him a letter. I know it took a week and a half later for him to get it, but he did. That was March 2nd. From that time until yesterday, Euan and I hadn't been able to talk. I know that he wasn't doing very well during that time period, and he had to go back on IV Lasix at home. His veins were shot, and the home nurse was going to call the doctor to come up with a better plan.
Then Euan got his call for a heart transplant at 1:29am Tuesday morning. By the time I had seen that, it was around 10am, and he was already in surgery. I was so beyond thrilled, I was crying so hard. All the hopes, all the dreams that Euan had for his future hinged upon him getting his new heart, and he was getting it! Finally, after 3 years of waiting, and 3 years of his health drastically declining. Euan was getting his chance, and maybe, just maybe, that meant in the future, we'd get our chance. Euan wanted that so much, and so did I.
At 6:17pm, Euan died. He had gotten his new heart, yes. But there was a complication during surgery. When Euan was 8yrs old, he had surgery to put a conduit into his chest. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how it worked, but it was placed in there to keep his heart from crapping out so early in life. He had it for 29 years. Because of that time, the conduit grafted itself to Euan's lungs. And when the surgeons tried to remove it, it ripped a hole in the lobes of the lungs. The worst thing that could've ever happened. There was a 50/50 chance that Euan would make it if they patched the hole and deflated his lung. However, he passed away peacefully.
I cannot even begin to describe how shocking and horrifying and unbelievable this is to me. I am so devastated. I can't understand why this happened. Euan waited for so long, for soooo long, for his new heart. His dad told me he was upbeat right before surgery and looking forward to the future. I just don't understand why he couldn't get that chance. I know things happen for a reason, but why oh why did he have to spend all this time hoping and praying and waiting for his turn, only for it to go horribly wrong at the end?? I'm at a total loss. I've lost someone I loved so much, yet again. I know these things happen, but it's just more than I can bear.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
It's so dreary here, and the sun won't be showing up at all. No wonder I feel so sleepy. Although, considering all I've done this week, I think the sun is only a part of the reason I'm fatigued.
Tuesday seemed to be "where'd this energy come from?" day. I purposely didn't go to rehab because I knew I wanted to change the bedding and do some laundry. After the crappy Monday I had, I was really surprised I could even do as much as I did. I ended up with 6 loads of clean clothes, blankets, sheets, and towels. Six. I don't ever think I've done that much in a day. Most people asked me how I even HAD that much laundry!! If it wasn't for the bed stuff, I wouldn't. Doing all that laundry meant I had to go up and down the basement stairs a very large number of times. Well, that certainly was my leg exercises! Putting the bedding back on got my heart rate up, and pursed lip breathing helped it stay to a controlled point. But I got everything done. I took my time, I still hosted chat, I took breaks when I needed to, but I got it all done!
Wednesday was the long awaited appt for the dermatologist. It took almost an hour to travel to get there, but it was a lovely day, and the sun was shining! The doctor was nice, and suggested I try an antibiotic as well as 2 different gels to use every day. So far, only the antibiotic has been accepted by my insurance. It figures. I'm still awaiting word on the 2 gels, but since about an hour ago, nothing's been resolved.
Yesterday I was supposed to meet with a phriend from Toronto. I didn't quite know what the exact plans were since I didn't hear from her on Wednesday, but when I got up in the morning, I realized our plans were scrapped. A message from her husband told me that she fainted and fell down the stairs, hitting her head hard. She ended up spending the night in the hospital, and her husband didn't get home until 1am. I haven't heard how she's doing now, but I sure hope she's much better! Since I was up early enough, I got all ready for rehab. There weren't too many people there, so I spent 15 minutes walking on the treadmill. Not sure where that energy came from, either. But it felt good! I went to Kmart with my mom a couple hours later, and in the middle of the store, I felt like I hit a brick wall. I was soooooo tired. I waited in the car while my mom made some purchases, and just drove her to the other places she needed to go. I got home and took a nap that I wished didn't have to end!! I spent the evening after dinner watching some Youtube videos on making wire wrapped rings, and chatting with phriends. It was a good day, but bedtime was very welcome by the time I got there!
Today I've worked on the dishes and the bathroom. Both are done, both are clean, and both will start getting dirty shortly. I'm still waiting for the o2 guy. Why this one takes forever as compared to the other one is beyond me. At least I don't have to go anywhere, so I'm just trying not to get irritated. I'm hoping to work on jewelry stuff later. And I have to order more periwinkle beads! The gloom and doomy atmosphere outside really is making me want to take a nap, though, so I'm just trying to stay awake for as long as I can before I give in!! It's not easy to do!!
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
I broke my camera about 2 weeks ago, after dropping it onto the floor while taking pictures of flowers. I was soooooooo irritated with myself!!! Since I use my camera to take pics of things all the time, especially my jewelry, I looked online for a new one, and found a pink Kodak on sale at a price I didn't want to pay but could afford (since I took it out of my tv fund). I got it on Thursday, only to find I needed a memory card as well. I ended up buying the one Joan got for Christmas, so now I can take almost 4,000 pics, or 80 minutes of video!! Holy moly! So I played with the video feature a little bit tonight, and taped my little man! Isn't he just cute??? I know, I'm biased. LOL
I usually wake up at 7am to take my Revatio, and then go back to sleep for a couple more hours. Today, I wake up to a large vision of stars surrounding my right eye. Damn it!! Migraine coming!! I took my Revatio and climbed back into bed, only to get out again 5 minutes later to find some Excedrin Migraine. I hate taking my meds together like that, but if I waited to take Excedrin later, I knew my day would be a complete loss. Every time I've gotten a migraine lately, I have been able to avoid the bad headache if I take Excedrin almost immediately after seeing the aura. However, I feel like crap because I'm exhausted and feel shaky, even though I didn't get the headache. Migraines suck. I guess I should be thankful I don't get them as much as I used to when I was younger. I really think the oxygen has helped it, and the PH meds!
The only thing I've gotten done today (so far) is a shower and bloodwork I had scheduled. I think I'll skip the laundry, because going up and down the basement stairs isn't my idea of fun while feeling crappy. The jewelry needs to get done, though. So, I guess that's what I'll do now!
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Today has been declared a lazy Sunday. I got out of bed around 11am, I got dressed late, and I had a very late breakfast. I was thinking about doing laundry and changing my bedding, but I'm just so exhausted. So, to heck with it, I will do it tomorrow! I have chatted with two phriends so far today, my cute little Canadian phriend, Jas, and my sweet Nebraskan phriend, Annette. Sadly, we discussed Racheal's passing because neither of them knew until late last night, but we also shared a few laughs. I just love my phriends. They mean so much to me!
Well, since I'm not doing any household chores (despite what my away message says on AIM haha!), I think I'll go read/fall asleep!! I have a busy week ahead of me, so I think I need whatever rest I can find today!!
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Rach died last night. She had thrown a blood clot, which traveled to her brain and caused an aneurysm. She lost consciousness, and during surgery, they couldn't stop the bleeding, and she was gone. Just like that. Rach didn't die from PH, but having this damned disease didn't help her any. The pressures were a problem, and because she was on a blood thinner to prevent more clots (which obviously didn't help), the bleeding was a problem. It's just a shock that she has vanished from everyone's lives in the blink of an eye. It's really rocked so many of us off our feet. The questions arise from tragedy like this: Why did this happen? How did it happen? Why did it happen to Rach?? Who's next?
Every loss of a phriend hits home, especially when that phriend was a pretty close one. The last time I talked to Rach was a little over a week ago. She was telling me about taking care of her FIL, and how taxing it was, and I was really trying to make her see that she needed time to take care of herself. But, as much as she understood that, Rach just wasn't the kind of person who saw it that way. She wanted to take care of everyone! Now that she's gone, I think she will be always watching over her loved ones, and especially Shannon and their two children. They are going to miss her terribly, and I don't have to wonder why. I will miss her just as much. She truly was a wonderful phriend. RIP Rach. And please tell Mason how much I miss him.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Today I had plans to have lunch with my sister, Joan, and I also decided to take out a little extra cash to buy some shirts on sale at Targét. I picked Joan up so we could eat at Tim Horton's, which was nice. I showed her some of the wire-wrapped rings I've been trying to make, and she took one. She didn't think it was too bad, so I said well alright! I dropped Joan off and went to Targét. I debated on whether I wanted a shopping cart, but decided to pass. I started wandering around the women's clothing department, found some of the tshirts on sale, and picked out a couple. I browsed through everything that was on sale. I ended up in the clearance section. Before I knew it, I had 7 shirts and sweatshirts! Some of the items were $3 or less! Gosh, I just love clearance!! I then decided to go back up to the front and get a blue tie dyed tshirt that I really loved. It wasn't on sale, but I thought, well it'll be my splurge item. By that time I was already getting a little tired, so I opted to get a cart. I like using the carts to obviously put my items into, but also to put my purse with the oxygen into the seat. Although the Helios is quite a bit lighter than the heavy tanks I used to carry around, it can feel like lead while walking around the store for awhile. After that I browsed through some more aisles, and found a couple things for my niece and nephew that I thought they'd like to do. I paid for everything....$40 was the total for the 8 shirts I got! I was so happy, and glad that I was able to get so much for myself. It's something I hardly ever do. Hence the flowers I mentioned in my last post. haha!
I left the store, went to Rite Aid for some hair dye, and then stopped at Mandy's for a bit. I didn't really stay too long. I could feel myself starting to wear out. I had planned on going to Walmart and Joann Fabrics after I left her house, but when I got back in the car, there was just no way I could imagine going to Walmart. I decided to drop it off my list, and headed to Joanns to buy more wire supplies. I got back home and now I feel ready to crash! Sometimes it's so disappointing to have to shorten a shopping trip or outing because I've lost steam and just can't push myself to finish what I wanted to do. On the other hand, there have been times when I've forced myself to do something so I won't have to go out again later, and then of course, I pay for it for a day or two afterward. In either situation, I just don't win!!
What made everything better was the fact that the sun has been shining brightly since I got up this morning. So that 35-ish degrees actually felt a lot warmer. It almost seemed like every time I left some place, I would lose more of my winter gear. By the time I got home, I wasn't wearing my scarf, hat or gloves. It just felt so good to be out in the sun and the fresh air. By this weekend, we might even see 40. Heck, I should've looked for shorts to celebrate that!!