Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Last Chances

I have a phriend named Brandon, who's been in the hospital since September of last year. Yes, that long. He has battled a lot of fluid issues, and infections, and heartache and pain. So much of the time he's been in there, he hasn't been able to communicate online with anyone, only briefly scoring some computer time here and there. I can't imagine what he must have thought all that time, but I tried to text him when I could, and left messages once in awhile. I thought maybe he was mad or something when I'd hear nothing from him, but then I found out that he just wasn't feeling well enough to answer back most of the time. I think it was maybe a month ago when I actually chatted with Brandon online for about half an hour. I was so happy to talk to him! I told him he was in my prayers all the time, and that I missed having him around online. He said he missed all of us, too. He apologized for not getting back to me but he really hasn't been well most of the time. We spent a few moments talking about nothing much, and then he had to go.

Brandon was finally, FINALLY transferred to the Cleveland Clinic a couple weeks ago, where everyone was hoping he'd get some better care than the place he just spent months at wasting away. Doctors tried a procedure on him Friday, trying to create a hole in his heart so that pressures would go down, and his kidneys and liver would start healing a bit. They were hoping that this procedure would help him so that he could get stronger to be put on the transplant list. Sadly, the procedure hasn't been successful, and now they are giving Brandon a few days to a week to live. It's heartbreaking. I left a message with Brandon's mom a couple days ago, and tonight I decided to try again. I left another one, but 5 minutes later, she called me back. She said that Brandon's situation wasn't getting any better, and as much as we'd all like a miracle, she just didn't want to see him suffering anymore. I told her how much we (me and my other phriends) were praying for him, and how much we love him, and she said she was so thankful for that. Then she asked me if I'd like to talk to Brandon. While I was nervous about doing, I said yes, I would. Several seconds later, I heard, "Hey, Hotstuff." I had to smile, because that is the nickname Brandon gave me when he saw my farm name on Farm Town (a game on Facebook) was Hottie. I said hi to him, and basically told him what I had told his mom. I also said that I thought he was a brave person, that he kept trying to fight as hard as he could and didn't give up. He had a really hard time talking, and there were a few words I didn't understand, but I knew that he was glad to hear my voice. He finally said he had to go because he couldn't breathe, and so I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me, too. And unfortunately, I have a sad feeling that will be the last time I ever talk to him.

After another few moments talking to Brandon's mom, I got off the phone. I was shaking. I have lost so many dear phriends over the past several years, but not once did I really get to say a final good-bye. I still remember the night Mason signed offline for the last time. He hadn't said anything to me in awhile, and I was about to tell him that I loved him, something I hadn't done in a really long time. And suddenly, I saw his name sign off. The next day, he never got online, and I wondered if something was up since he hadn't mentioned any appts or anything. By that night, I called his mom, and she told me he was in the hospital. He never left. I never got to tell him a last goodnight, or that I loved him, although I had told him a long time before that. I know he knew, but it just didn't feel the same.

Although Euan didn't have PH, he had congenital heart disease like I do, and he'd been waiting so long for a transplant. I hadn't talked to him for almost a month when he finally got his call for a new heart, but never woke up from surgery. I never got to say goodbye to him, either. I spent the past 2 1/2 months wondering so many things, wondering if he loved me as much as I loved him. I kept asking him for signs, for anything, for some sort of answer. I finally got one in a dream a few weeks ago, a dream so powerful it almost seemed real. I woke up crying, tears of happiness, and since then I haven't questioned how he felt.

There have been many other phriends who have died suddenly, or who have been so sick before they passed. I wish I had the chance to speak to them one last time, to let them know that they changed my life, no matter how briefly they were in my life. I never knew anyone with this disease as a child and a young adolescent. Every PHer touches my life in some way, and every phriend I lose is hard to take. So talking to Brandon tonight gave me a little bit of peace, because if he goes soon, I will be glad that I got the chance to talk to him one last time, and to tell him how much we cared. Don't get me wrong, I am still praying for a miracle for him. I have hope that maybe suddenly something will turn around for him! But if not, I am just glad that he got to hear that he was never forgotten by his phriends.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Rain

It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring.
He went to bed and bumped his head
And couldn't get up in the morning.

I used to wonder as a kid what snoring had to do with the rain when I heard this poem. And how exactly did that old man bump his head?

I awoke to blahness this morning, but mid-morning the sun was out for a bit. Then I saw that an approaching patch of green and yellow gloom and doom was coming as I looked at Doppler radar. I sat on my porch eating lunch as I heard the distant rumbling thunder, the winds blowing. It felt nice. The winds reminded me of Euan, and I said out loud that I wished he was here. Two minutes later, I watched a white butterfly flitting around across the street, making it's way over to where I sat. Euan was definitely around, and I started bawling my eyes out for the second time today. Once I had some control, I headed back into the house. And now, 5 minutes later, it's raining buckets outside, I can't even see the street.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

One Thing Accomplished

It wasn't until I took another nap while reading my book this afternoon that I finally decided to do something useful with my time. For months, my desk has been a mess. I didn't use it during the winter, so I piled things on it. The drawers were packed with a lot of things I didn't need. So, I started to purge. I knew it was going to be a big task, but I didn't realize the extent of it until I actually started! I had paperwork for all sorts of things. Bank statements from a bank I used before I even moved into my apartment. All the signed papers and loan for my Saturn. Check registers. The application and approval for grad school, and class schedules. Grade transcripts from when I went for my undergrad degree. I even had a friend's notebook from an undergrad class that I borrowed when she took the class before I did. I asked her on Facebook if she wanted it back. lol So now I have so much less stuff in my drawers! The top of my desk looks wonderful and clean. I dusted the top, and then dusted everything else in the room. The only thing I need to do now is shred everything that had my name and important info. I will have to do that in stages, or else I might not have a shredder left if I try doing it all in one setting!! I'm so glad I finally got one major thing I've need to do off my list. Now I just don't know what I want to tackle next!

No Particular Title

It's Sunday, and although it's a day of relaxation (supposedly anyway), I've been relaxing for two days now. I need to do something. Nothing inspires me, and I don't have much money left before I get my SSD money for July. I need to get out of the house, but I don't know where to go. Yet, my apartment could use some serious cleaning in every room, but I don't want to/don't have the energy. I could watch a movie, but I watched 2 last night. I have some books to read, but I'm too antsy. I'm highly irritated. Part of that is b/c of my hormones. I also have a headache. It's humid out, but if I turned the fan on or the A/C, I'd be freezing. Sigh. I guess I'll just walk away from the laptop and go figure out something to do since this post could really become a series of rants that I just don't want to get into.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ouch

Words hurt sometimes. Sometimes someone says something without even thinking of how much they are damaging the other person's feelings. Sometimes it dawns on them the second the words finish slipping out of their mouths. An apology may immediately happen after that. But there are times when it doesn't. I admit that I have hurt people with words, and if I haven't apologized right off the bat, I usually do at a later time. Sometimes it's too late.

Accusatory words were thrown at me yesterday, and they've hurt like hell. And it's not the first time it's happened in this particular situation. It wasn't until much later in the day that I let the accusor know how upset I was, because the words were thrown before the facts were even out there. Huge assumptions were made that didn't even exist in the first place. I did nothing to deserve those words, and I know it. So I know I shouldn't be this upset, but quite honestly, it makes me evaluate the people in my life sometimes.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Some Thoughts

Plans were made. People were included. One person, one very important person, was not. Who made that huge oversight? Or was it an exclusion? That one uninvited person is terribly hurt by such thoughtlessness, and I feel incredibly disappointed at the people who didn't care. And I know one other person who would be very disappointed, too.

Today, I overdid. I went to rehab as usual, and did ok, but then I went back home after picking up a prescription so I could have lunch and go to Walmart after. My mom called me to say she would stop by to do something, and I told her I would be home for a little bit. When she found out I was going to Walmart, she said she could go there, too. So she picked me up eventually, and off we went. We went to Wegmans first (a grocery store, for those who don't know!), which was good since I needed to get Mittens more food. Well, of course I picked up some other stuff on the way around the store! I had a bunch of coupons to use, so I got a few things at Wegmans, except for the frozen stuff. I knew anything frozen would be thawed out by the time we got out of Walmart!

Walmart's adventure began, and I got everything on the rest of my list, and then some. I was trying to find a bathing suit, but since I didn't like anything, I decided to get some tank tops and a couple shirts. They were cheap enough! Hopefully they'll fit ok, since Walmart's clothes don't always fit smaller people. I have yet to try the shirts on, but I am not cutting off tags until I do. We waited in line for what seemed like forever before finally getting everything paid for and then heading home. I had to put all my stuff away before leaving the house yet again to bring my car down to my dad's shop so he could do a much overdo oil change. I spent an hour talking with him about a wide variety of topics. I've always found talking to my dad so easy to do. He has made it so clear to all four of his girls that nothing is off-limits with him, and we can come to him for anything. If he doesn't know the answer to something, he will try to find it for us. I also love talking to my dad since he doesn't give a rat's ass if we swear. LOL I can say shit in front of my mom since she says it's not a bad word, just not nice to say, but if I let something else slip, I get a dirty look!

Anyway....I finally got back home and made a late dinner. After that I had to do the garbage and wash the supper dishes. I was going to water the plants, but I decided that tomorrow is another day. I wasn't as tired as I was in pain. My legs were killing me. They still are! I have been relaxing ever since clean-up, and yet they are still very achy. I tend not to take pain pills right away, unless I cannot tolerate it any longer. It's almost time for bed, and I think I might just see if sleep will help the legs. I forgot to use a heating pad while watching a movie, so I will nuke that up right now and use it before bed! It's just aggravating that I didn't have a bad PH day, I just had a bad getting older day. lol If it isn't one thing, it's another! Actually, I'm thankful that PH-wise, I was able to handle my day! I guess that if I go to rehab, I better not plan on shopping for several hours afterward!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Earth Shake!

I decided to go out for a little bit this afternoon, because I wanted to get a new pair of everyday sneakers. I went to the post office first, then the credit union, and then ventured over to Targét. Ok, I know it's TargEt, not TargÉt, but I say it the 2nd way all the time, so I also spell it that way. lol Anyway, I looked at bathing suits, and some clothes, before getting over to the shoe department. Ten minutes later, I had tried on a purple and silver pair of sneakers, and decided they were the ones! I wandered around the rest of the store before I went to cash out. While in line, the cashier was talking to another cashier and some customers about an earthquake, and that it could be felt in Lewiston and Buffalo. Huh, earthquake? Well, it would surprise me. I felt one back in 2002! I hadn't yet gotten my large queen-sized bed, I still had my daybed, and I remember waking up one morning with the bed shaking a bit. I wondered what truck had driven past the house, but it wasn't until later on that I read it was an earthquake! So, for people to feel one again was something I wasn't too shocked about. But it sure was the talk of the town! The quake originated almost 200 miles north near Quebec in Canada. The tremors could be felt as far south as Virginia, and as far east as Vermont. It measure 5.0 on the Richter scale. Luckily, no one was injured, and no damage was reported!

I left Targét for Mandy's house, and hung out for awhile chatting with her and the kids. When I eventually made it home, I took a quick peek around and found nothing amiss. It wasn't until I was getting ready to eat dinner that I noticed a wine glass was standing straight up in my dish rack next to the refridgerator. While that may not seem strange, it WAS not expected since I keep the wine glasses in 2 straight lines (I can't help that, I'm a Virgo! lol) on TOP of the fridge. So, I glanced up at fridge, and sure enough, my wine glasses were askew! And one of them fell! So, if I actually had been home, I would've felt the earthquake! I'm kinda disappointed that I was out shopping for shoes instead! lol

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Lazy Days of a Kitty Summer

It's summer, and Mittens seems to have taken up the fine art of snoozing all day. In the past week, whenever I've gotten up in the morning, he's not always outside my bedroom door like he usually is to greet me with a meow-hello. Sometimes he doesn't even get up when I start cleaning his food bowl and water dish! I must admit that I've been worried that maybe something is wrong with him if I don't see him in the mornings, but then I sigh in relief when I see him lift his head up to acknowledge me when I get into the kitchen. He seems to eat and sleep most of the day. Well, really, he snoozes most of the day! I mean, I know he's a cat and all, but gee whiz, seems excessive to me!

Mittens has taken a liking to a PHA fanny pack that I received from someone who went to the last PHA conference in Houston, 2 years ago. I had found the fanny pack (actually 2 of them) while cleaning the computer room a month or so ago, and had left the pack on the floor while I went to throw something out. When I returned, Mittens was "scratching" the pack, and then completely sat on it! Well, so much for wanting to put it some place else! I just keep it on the rug in the computer room, and many times I find Mittens sleeping on top of it, as can be seen above! I find it so funny how he loves certain things!

Just a bit ago, Mittens got up to eat a little something, and then moseyed (mosied??) on back to the computer room. I was reading something on my laptop when I heard commotion in the room, so I turned to look, and there he was, on top of his fanny pack trying to attack it. He was pulling a little at the strap, then he gripped the zipper a little. I was trying so hard not to laugh, but he must've heard me because suddenly he looked up at me with his big huge eyes, as if I had caught him in the act (which I had!)! So, I guess I'm just happy that the simplest things keep him so entertained!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Turning Things Down

It has been such a long and exhausting week. I thought that I'd be able to take it easy, for the most part, on Wednesday and Thursday before starting a busy weekend. But then I ended up getting the tube in my ear on Wednesday, and it made for a very extended several days of not a lot of rest. The procedure was quick, not lasting more than 10 minutes. But, I can't lie and say it didn't hurt. It DID. I think what was most bothersome is that I could hear everything. The doctor numbed my eardrum with a topical anesthetic, but it didn't seem like it helped too much since I could still feeling pinching and stuff going on. Of course, maybe if he didn't put the gel on my eardrum, it would've been 10x worse! He drained out the fluid a couple of times, and wow. I can hear so much better! Of course, now that I've been home, I'm turning down the volume on many of the electronics around here. lol Had to turn the tv down, even the laptop. As much as I didn't like the procedure, I'm thankful I can hear better!! Who knows how long the tube will stay in for, and who knows after it's out if I'll eventually need a new one. Right now, all I know is that my ear is better than before, even if it's still a little achy.

Thursday I was so tired, but I made it to rehab to exercise and say goodbye to a lady who will be moving to Boston to be with her sons. We had a little party for her, brought in some goodies, and had some good laughs! I'll miss her, and I'm sure she'll miss us, too! After that, I delivered bridal party jewelry to my nurse at my PCP's office. She got married yesterday, so I hope her day turned out wonderful! She also let me know the results of Monday's bloodwork, and I'm happy to say that my cholesterol is 193!!!! Yay!! My bad cholesterol is still a smidgen too high, but it wasn't enough to worry my PCP. I'm just so glad my cholesterol is finally at a good point, and I know that it's from going to rehab, eating better, and taking a statin drug. Hopefully I can keep it up!

Friday morning was my niece's preschool graduation, so I got up early once again to see it. She was so cute, as were the other kids, and it was a nice time! I spent the afternoon dealing with a headache and trying to get rest so I could go to Erin's daughter's dance recital. I did end up going, and she was really good! She is 5, and she had such a look of concentration on her face during both her dances. lol I'm glad I went, despite the headache!

Yesterday I tried to relax as much as I could before going to Mandy's house for the kids' birthday party. It was just a cake and ice cream get-together, but it was fun. My niece will be 5 on Monday, and my nephew will be 3 on Tuesday. They had a great time blowing out the candles, opening their gifts, and playing with their cousins. The weather was nice (for me anyway), too, and so it was an enjoyable evening!

Today is Father's Day, and I'm going in a bit down to The Silo in Lewiston with my dad to have lunch. It's another beautiful day, and so I thought it would be a great place to go since it's outdoors! Hopefully later I can watch a movie since I joined Netflix on Friday. Four of the six movies I picked out can be watched on my laptop, so I'll pick one of them and chill out! I'm hoping to have a much slower week this week than last. Even though I've been doing pretty good with my PH, long exhausting days and weeks remind me all over again that I am not a totally healthy person.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Huh, What Did You Say?

Ever since I was a kid, besides dealing with heart and lung issues, I have also dealt with a slew of other health conditions, some not as bad as others. I've been blind as a bat since the 3rd grade, although my poor eyesight has tapered off in the past few years, which is nice. However, I still can't see more than a few inches in front of me without corrective eyewear! I have scoliosis, and had to wear a brace for a few years in high school. THAT was a friggin blast. However, I was so darn faithful wearing that stupid thing that not only did my spine not get any worse, but apparently the curve corrected itself by a few degrees. I also have bunions, and I still continue to wear the special plastic inserts that were specially made to fit my fit and not make the bunions any worse.

And then, there is my right ear! I had so many ear infections when I was little, that I eventually had a tube placed in the right ear to help the draining. I had them placed twice, and I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one in. Maybe 25 years ago?? I still continue to have problems every single time I get sick with my ear, but in the last 5 years, I have also noticed that I can't hear well. In the last year and a half, at least, I have heard a little ringing, but that has only gotten more noticeable (and annoying) in the last several months. I went to an ENT in 2005 or 2006, I can't remember, and he completely turned me off when he told me during one of the few visits I had that he wanted to do something to drain the ear. When I asked if I needed to be off coumadin (a blood thinner) for it, he looked at me and said, "I don't know?" Ooooooook then, bu-bye!! I never went back! I should have tried finding another ENT then, but I didn't bother.

So, today, after about a month's wait, I finally went to my appointment with an ENT about an hour's drive from here. I had my hearing test done, and when I saw the doctor, he suggested putting in a tube. Another tube!! He wanted to do it right then and there, but said I may feel dizzy after it, but I may not. I decided to play it safe, and just wait until someone could bring me back. That's tomorrow!! While I'm completely nervous about it, I also seriously hope that I'll be able to hear better, and there will be no more ringing!! I'm not sure what happens when the tube falls out, but I'll ask him if he thinks I might need yet another one. Knowing my luck and how long I've been dealing with my right ear, I have a feeling this tube may not be the last!

Monday, June 14, 2010

One Year Later

Today it's been one year since my dear phriend, Mason, passed away from a terrible time he had waiting for a second lung transplant. As hard as I thought this day would be, it wasn't really. I was sad, yes, because I still wish he was here. I still wish he had had his second chance. I still wish I could talk to him several times a day, telling him just about anything, since that's what I used to do. I miss my guaranteed laugh for the day. But I guess it wasn't so bad because I know how much better off he really is. Of course, we all want him here. But God had better plans for Mason, and He needed Mason back sooner than we would've liked. And quite honestly, I knew how badly Mason's life ended, and I know that he is definitely not suffering anymore. He is racing around in heaven on his dirt bike, dancing whenever he feels like it, and sending rain from time to time. I know he watches, and I know I will one day meet him when my time comes.

I think what really got to me today is that two of some of my most favorite men are now gone, and I lost them within 9 months and 2 days of each other. I still can't come to grasps yet as to why Euan died like he did, but, that will come in time, too. I admit that I'm missing him more right now, but he only died almost 3 months ago, so it's still a large open wound that hasn't come close to healing yet. I never thought I'd mend after Mason died, and yet, somehow I did. It took a long time, so I don't expect that "getting over" Euan's death will be any shorter. I do hope, however, that Mason and Euan have greeted each other. Of course, I'm sure Mason has been calling Euan, "Juan," so maybe Euan hasn't found Mason yet. lol Anyway, I know I'll see Euan once again when I'm on my to heaven, so when that happens, getting to see both of them again will be one awesome day. :)

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Bumps and Bruises

Summer was unofficially welcomed on Memorial Day weekend, and for the most part, the summer-y type weather has shown up with it. Some days have been in the high 80s, but with little to no humidity, and I've been loving every minute of it! I finally have been able to wear my skirts, and tank tops, and walk around with bare feet and pretty painted toenails. Makes me feel happy and free, and yes, I'll say beautiful!

Until I look at my legs. And there they are, bruises. They can either be very small and almost unnoticeable, to very large, making me wonder how the heck that happened. There are very few times when I recall bumping into something. And sometimes when I do whack myself, I think, "Well, that'll be a great bruise." Why do they occur so easily? Well, I'm on Coumadin, which is a blood thinner. My blood is usually pretty thick because I have such low oxygen levels, that more red blood cells are created to carry around more oxygen. While that is nice, more red blood cells can cause clotting, and if a clot gets loose, a chance for a stroke can happen. Soooo, a blood thinner was added years ago to help try to prevent this. But, being on Coumadin just stinks! I have to watch my Vitamin K intake, meaning I need to watch how many foods with Vitamin K I'm eating. It's usually found in dark green leafy veggies, but there are a variety of other foods that include K. Does it mean I can't eat salads anymore, or spinach?? Absolutely not, although so many people who are put on Vitamin K think that they aren't allowed. The key is consistancy. I can't go from eating salads once a day for an entire week, to nothing the next week. I can't sit down and eat a whole plate of spinach (not that I'd really want to eat that much!). What I need to do is just make sure I eat the same amount every week. Is it easy? No, but it's doable. Does my Coumadin levels stay the same every time I get bloodwork done? Not all the time. There are times when I go fine for months, and then all of a sudden, something is out of whack, and I need to adjust how much Coumadin I'm taking, and then go back for more bloodwork a week or so later. It's a frustrating med to be on, but the aggravation, I feel, outweighs the risks of not being on it!

Which leads me back to the bruises on my legs. While I'm sure that I get bruises all during the winter, too, I don't normally pay attention to that fact, since I'm so covered up in layers! That's not the case in the summer, so I tend to see how banged up I really do get. For many years, I'd be so embarrassed to have them showing while I'm wearing a skirt, or shorts, but now I'm just not caring. I got past wearing the oxygen tubing out in public, what's a bunch of bruises gonna hurt?? Just as long as no one thinks I'm being beat up!!

Friday, June 04, 2010

Growing Things

I'm not a dirt person. I really never liked gardening, even though I helped my mom with her gardens when I was little. I don't know what it is, but I just don't like playing with dirt! However, that being said, I do love growing things like spider plants. I have 3 huge ones, one in the bedroom and two in the kitchen. I'd put them all over the house, except some areas of the house just don't get enough sun to help keep the plant alive. So, my spider plants grow babies constantly, and many times I have to just cut them and throw them out. Not a favorite thing to do, but I just have nowhere else to put them!!

Here's the spider plant in my bedroom. It's rather big!

Here are the 2 spider plants in my kitchen. The one on the left is my original spider plant. It's 10 years old! It has sprouted out at least 100 babies, including the 2 big plants I now have. If you can see below the plant on the right side, there is a baby spider plant that is actually coming from the plant on the left. Well, it's not really a baby anymore, more like a junior! lol It's too big for me to just want to throw out, so I'm trying to think of what to do with it! In the meantime, It's starting to get too low and into my dishes when I'm washing them!
Yesterday, I spent a good 2 hours trying to plant a few things. Yes, I actually DID play with dirt. Of course, the entire time I had my hands in dirt, I had to keep telling myself I could wash my hands later!! lol I planted red petunias in a big pot on the front porch. I also planted a beefsteak tomato in a smaller planter on the porch. I planted a grape tomato plant a few years ago on my porch, and only got a few tomatoes, since all the rest were stolen by squirrels!! I'm hoping if I get any tomatoes, they will be too big for the squirrels to carry off! lol And, I planted roma tomato seeds. If they grow up into something, I'll be so proud of myself!! Where I'll transfer them to is something I haven't figured out yet, but I'll just be happy if they actually sprout something! lol

This is really red, despite the fact it looks pink!

They look redder here!

Hopefully this will grow to supply me at least a few tomatoes!

Hopefully these will grow into roma tomatoe plants! Wish me luck!! lol

Thursday, June 03, 2010

An Enchanted Afternoon

Last Saturday, Joanie picked me up to go to Rick's house (her fiance) around noonish. After spending about 20 minutes waiting to cross the border, we were on our way. Even though it had been so long since I'd been in Canada, it didn't really feel too different. I thought maybe it would feel like a challenge overcome considering I had to get an enhanced license and stuff. But, not so much! We got to Rick's house, had a little something to eat, and then left to head to Toronto. The drive there was pretty good, and we only had one area where the traffic was pretty slow. We ended up on the street where the theater was located around 3pm. After going allllllll the way down the street, Rick finally found a place to turn so we could go allllll the way back up the street to park. We ended up a half a block from the theater, but it was a beautiful day, and there were shops to browse, so it wasn't too bad. We went to a bead shop (yay!!), a record (yes, tons of records were available) shop, a candy shop, before we crossed the street and got in front of the theater. Joanie took a picture of me next to one of the large movie poster images with Euan's smiling face. He was the feature film at this theater for this special day.

I went inside, knowing there were already family and friend's of Euan's milling about. There was a table to the left after I went through the inner doors that held a toy replica of Diggedy Dozer, the main character of a series of children's books Euan had written. They were taking orders for advanced copies of the final 2 books and the DVD. I felt guilty not being able to purchase them at that time. Sometimes I really hate when money issues get in the way, but, Euan would have understood. I supported him alot when he showed me the first book and little movie that went with him, and I know that meant so much to him. I looked around and saw Euan's mom, Maureen. She gave me a huge hug. She pointed out Euan's niece, who I recognized from the pictures I'd seen, and then his dad, Brian, came over. He also gave me a hug, and I think they were both really pleased I could make it. I was introduced to many people, and a group of ladies who used to work with Maureen. They ended up being so sweet and kind, and made space for me to join them to watch the movie and, later on, to eat at their table at the pub.

As we sat in the theater, music played continuously, music to soundtracks of movies Euan loved most. Some I could guess right away (Star Wars, Toy Story), others were a mystery to me. Eventually things began. One of Euan's good friends went to a mic, and said that what we were about to see were approximately 50 minutes of clips of videos and animations Euan had done throughout his life. His love of everything movies and animation began when he was a boy, so he tried capturing so much on film. He had school projects, college projects, silly videos, and then his Diggedy Dozer video clip. It was a beautiful tribute to a man who had such a passion for the film world and creativity. A standing ovation was given at the end, and so many of us didn't have a dry eye.

A pub up the street from the theater was where many of us headed after the movie. The back patio was reserved for us, and it was such a gorgeous evening that it was very comfortable sitting back there. As everyone gathered and ordered food, I just watched. Euan brought together so many people, for so many different reasons, but one thing obviously stood out: we all loved him so dearly. He touched our lives in a variety of ways, and not one of us could ever forget him and what he meant to us personally.

I was doing pretty good dealing with Euan being gone, but the last few weeks have been a bit hard, and this weekend was even more difficult for me. Maybe it was because it was so focused on Euan, and me seeing his parents again and meeting his siblings. While I enjoyed myself, and hope to be able to visit them again soon, the sense of loss came right back at me and slapped me in the face. I miss Euan so much. I miss our conversations, I miss how we finished each other's sentences. I think what I miss most is what could have been. I am trying my hardest to get my heart to let go of that. I will never know what the future might have been for us, and there is no point in trying to guess or picture it. The only thing I'm holding on to are the wonderful memories of the times Euan and I got to chat, or write, or talk on the phone. Those times meant so much to me, especially since we could relate on so many levels. I could never forget the kindness he showed me and the love we had for each other. There will surely never be another Euan in my lifetime.

I said my goodbyes to Brian and Maureen, and they both told me to come visit any time. A bench is planned to be bought in Euan's memory in Port Dalhousie, St. Catharines, and so whenever they are able to get it, they'd like me to come see it and sit on the bench. I would like to do that very much. Joanie and Rick picked me up, and we were off back to Rick's house. The travel seemed to go by much faster than going to Toronto, and before I knew it, we were leaving Rick's house to go back home. It was a wonderful day spent with Euan's loved ones, and I am beyond grateful to Joanie and Rick for bringing me so I could be with all of them. I know that Euan was with all of us, and that he was probably blushing from all the praise and compliments in his honor. It really was an enchanted day, spent remembering a truly enchanted life.

Just A Brief Posting

I am around, I am here! I know I haven't posted since last week. I want to write about Toronto. I just haven't gotten to it yet. I will try doing it tomorrow!