tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-190096542024-03-15T22:34:41.477-04:00Daily PonderingsWelcome to the ramblings of a girl with Pulmonary Hypertension..sharing the ups and downs of this disease, and just about anything else I want to share! Enjoy, and thanks for visiting! :)Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.comBlogger1315125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-54882954337254729592024-03-15T22:34:00.000-04:002024-03-15T22:34:09.491-04:00<p> </p><div style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><div class="x1cy8zhl x78zum5 x1q0g3np xod5an3 x1pi30zi x1swvt13 xz9dl7a" style="align-items: flex-start; display: flex; flex-direction: row; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 12px; padding-left: 16px; padding-right: 16px; padding-top: 12px;"><div class="x1iyjqo2" style="flex-grow: 1; font-family: inherit;"><div class="x78zum5 xdt5ytf xz62fqu x16ldp7u" style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: -5px; margin-top: -5px;"><div class="xu06os2 x1ok221b" style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 5px; margin-top: 5px;"><span class="x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x1lliihq x1s928wv xhkezso x1gmr53x x1cpjm7i x1fgarty x1943h6x xudqn12 x3x7a5m x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xi81zsa x1yc453h" dir="auto" style="color: var(--secondary-text); display: block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.9375rem; line-height: 1.3333; max-width: 100%; min-width: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; word-break: break-word;"><h4 class="x1heor9g x1qlqyl8 x1pd3egz x1a2a7pz x1gslohp x1yc453h" id=":r5s:" style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 4px 0px 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;"><br /></h4><h4 class="x1heor9g x1qlqyl8 x1pd3egz x1a2a7pz x1gslohp x1yc453h" id=":r5s:" style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 4px 0px 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;">I "follow" God on Facebook. It seems ridiculous, but it's not. I love the posts I see, and this one hit me tonight. I need to see this every day somewhere. Maybe tape it to my bathroom mirror, my fridge, next to my laptop, I don't know. Everywhere. My inner struggle and happiness over the past couple of years about myself is the hardest battle I've ever faced, and it's mind-blowing that I even have to talk to myself about my daily purpose and to quantify what I'm doing every day. It doesn't matter. JUST LIVE. JUST ENJOY. AND KNOW THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING MATTERS, WHETHER IT'S HELPING SOMEONE OR DANCING TO MUSIC. WHETHER IT'S WRITING A LETTER OR CLEANING THE BATHROOM. IT'S LIFE!! STOP OVERTHINKING AND JUST DO!!</h4><h4 class="x1heor9g x1qlqyl8 x1pd3egz x1a2a7pz x1gslohp x1yc453h" id=":r5s:" style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 4px 0px 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;"><br /></h4><h4 class="x1heor9g x1qlqyl8 x1pd3egz x1a2a7pz x1gslohp x1yc453h" id=":r5s:" style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; margin: 4px 0px 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;">God</span></h4></span></div><div class="xu06os2 x1ok221b" style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 5px; margin-top: 5px;"><span class="x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x1lliihq x1s928wv xhkezso x1gmr53x x1cpjm7i x1fgarty x1943h6x x4zkp8e x676frb x1nxh6w3 x1sibtaa xo1l8bm xi81zsa x1yc453h" dir="auto" style="color: var(--secondary-text); display: block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.8125rem; line-height: 1.2308; max-width: 100%; min-width: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; 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color: #1c1e21; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><div class="" dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="x1iorvi4 x1pi30zi x1swvt13 xjkvuk6" data-ad-comet-preview="message" data-ad-preview="message" id=":r5u:" style="font-family: inherit; padding: 4px 16px;"><div class="x78zum5 xdt5ytf xz62fqu x16ldp7u" style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: -5px; margin-top: -5px;"><div class="xu06os2 x1ok221b" style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 5px; margin-top: 5px;"><span class="x193iq5w xeuugli x13faqbe x1vvkbs x1xmvt09 x1lliihq x1s928wv xhkezso x1gmr53x x1cpjm7i x1fgarty x1943h6x xudqn12 x3x7a5m x6prxxf xvq8zen xo1l8bm xzsf02u x1yc453h" dir="auto" style="color: var(--primary-text); display: block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.9375rem; line-height: 1.3333; max-width: 100%; min-width: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; word-break: break-word;"><div class="xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs x126k92a" style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>There are many great people in this world but none of them are you. You're meant to be here. You're doing fantastic. Keep up the great work and have an excellent rest of your day.</b></div></div></span></div></div></div></div></div>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-21972656858092018752024-03-08T23:26:00.001-05:002024-03-08T23:26:15.962-05:00Testing Concerns<p> I'm scheduled for a right heart catheterization on April 15th. I haven't had one since I was 2 years old. Both of my Cleveland doctors have suggested having a baseline RHC within the past year, especially if I were ever to start a transplant journey. I know what the test is like, but I also don't know what the test is like. I know they are done thousands of times a day all over the country, and I know my Cleveland cardiologist will be the ONLY ONE touching me because she doesn't let anyone else touch her congenital heart patients. But.....I am scared. I admit that. It's a test I haven't had done since an age I can't even remember it, so I don't know what to expect. I am trying my best to not focus on it, since it's over a month away. I keep telling myself that I will be in good hands, I will be with my best friend who is taking me, it's not a very long procedure, and hopefully it will provide some news my doctors haven't had to go on considering my PH has been monitored by yearly echos. And so, I just had to write this out, because journaling is something I NEED TO DO AGAIN!!! And since I'm having a hard time writing long enough with my right collarbone hurting again, typing my feelings out will have to do. </p><p>So,</p><p>It's ok to be nervous about a test I've not had in decades. It's ok to be scared. It's not ok to worry day after day for weeks until the test gets here. I am choosing to type these feelings here, and let them go for now. They are not needed for weeks to come. And my worries will probably be for naught. Like many worries are. </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-6493711768448025282023-07-28T16:38:00.001-04:002023-07-28T16:38:43.194-04:00Health Changes<p> I finally thought I was making progress with my anxiety that had ramped up again back in November of last year. It's been a very long road of not feeling good, trying to increase the Remeron, trying to learn once again that my life is worth a whole lot of SOMETHING. The tremendous loss of my mom, my grandma, a couple of dear phriends, and the nursing home volunteering put a huge pressure of my value of what my life is supposed to be like. However, I had finally started to turn that around. In June, I was robbed (another story for another time, maybe), and on that day I figured that out, I realized I wasn't anxious at all. I was pumped with adrenaline that whole day since I was so angry, so I thought for sure the anxiety would be back again, but it wasn't. And for at least a month and a half, it's been pretty decent. I've been so thankful for that. </p><p>But in the last several weeks, I don't know what has happened to my body, especially my abdominal area, but I have not been well. It's been hard to eat sometimes, I have an ache in my lower right side, and I'm bloated, which is something I haven't dealt with before. I have been to my primary, a NP gastro twice, I've had abdominal ultrasounds and an abdominal CT scan. Those have shown my stomach, intestines, gall bladder, and whatever else is in that region to be fine. Nothing is showing up on blood work. I went to 2 different ERs 2 weekends in a row. One locally, and one at the Cleveland Clinic. The local one thought maybe I had a UTI, but the cultures came back negative. Cleveland went back and forth between maybe a gastro issue to maybe my PH had suddenly gotten worse. Now I have a GI consult coming up next week with a Cleveland gastro person, and she may or may not suggest scopes. The week after, I have to go back to Cleveland to see my cardiologist's NP, and if scopes are suggested, I hope they can be done at that time or even the next day. </p><p>Traveling to Cleveland is getting trickier. I haven't had my dad bring me since 2020 after his stroke because I don't really trust his driving on the highway. It's about a 3 hour trip, which isn't too bad, but I'm just not sure that's the best idea for him. Now that he is having issues with walking around because of his back, trying to walk Cleveland is another problem I don't want him to have. It's a HUGE facility! My boyfriend has brought me twice, and the last time was the ridiculous trip to their ER which was kind of stupid to do on a weekend. No one told me GI specialists weren't around on the weekend. I wish I had known. But, oh well, I know now. </p><p>All of this within the last week has taking a hit on my mental health again. My anxiety isn't totally out of control, but it's not great. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. It's been hard. My sistore from NC is here with her family this week, and I have been doing my best to visit and get some rest in between. I'm thankful yesterday wasn't too bad that I spent most of my time with her and another sistore, which meant I was just really tired last night. Tomorrow evening is a party for my niece who graduated last month, so I am hoping I'll have energy for that since it'll be the last time we're together again for awhile. </p><p>I'm praying so hard to feel better, but I am also praying so hard for more answers as to why I feel the way I do. I haven't even been exercising because of how I'm feeling, and that is saying an awful lot. I exercised almost every single day in June. Now this month, I might have one or two days marked on the calendar. If my PH has gotten worse, I have to hold onto hope that there is something I can do to help get back on track. I also have to pray my heart isn't being terribly affected, either. I am crying as I type this, but at this point, I am honestly scared. And I'm usually the one who is trying to spread the hope around. I know I'll make sure to talk to my therapist about this next week. Last time I had my appt with her, she mentioned going back to just med management again. I'm not sure now with what's been happening that it's a good idea. I need to talk this stuff out. </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-67671967586199627252023-02-27T22:51:00.000-05:002023-02-27T22:51:04.692-05:00And There Went February!<p>Well, technically there is still one more day tomorrow, but February certainly went by quick! It also wasn't as horrible as I was expecting, like last year. I hope in years to come, I will no longer see February as an awful month, because it wasn't this year. In fact, I had a lot of good things happen this month, no matter how big or little they were. From a few movie dates, either with my boyfriend or myself, to dinners, to an aquarium birthday party (YAY! I love fish!), February was for the most part doable. </p><p>The biggest blessing I found for myself this year? MASSAGES. I have gone twice, and I am signed up for a third massage this Wednesday. I found out last month that some medical costs are making it more affordable for me to include getting a massage about every two weeks. The first one was very nice, but gosh I was so sore, but after a few days that settled. What else has settled an awful lot from massage? My anxiety!! The first massage, after maybe 3 days of having it, I realized I wasn't anxious. And I wasn't for several days after that! And on days when I did have some anxiety, I was able to ease out of it a little easier. It's made me hopeful, even on a day like today when my anxiety was pretty bad for half the day. I'm looking forward to Wednesday very much! It's at least making me feel like I don't need to make changes to the anxiety meds I am taking, at least not for now. </p><p>I've also been enjoying making cards for elderly people for a website I found in December. The organization is called Letters Against Isolation. Every two weeks, you can pick a facility (or more than one) to send greeting cards. You can make them yourself, or like I do, you can buy blank cards and add stickers or drawings to them. I'm currently working on some cards for March. I have to take my time with them because my right hand, shoulder and whole chest wall have been acting up for months, and when they get overused, I am in discomfort. So, I do a few cards at a time to make it a little less hurtful! Can't wait to send the next batch out soon! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-32589852051029812522023-02-08T23:03:00.001-05:002023-02-08T23:03:11.781-05:00Movies Anyone?<p> In the last four days, I have seen three movies in a theater. Saturday, I went to see Knock at the Cabin with my boyfriend. I have enjoyed a fair amount of M. Night Shyamalan movies, although I didn't like his last one called Old. Well, I did like it until the end. Then I was mad. lol Knock at the Cabin was pretty good, however. Kinda gory even though the gore wasn't shown, but you knew what was happening. It had a good ending, so we both liked that!</p><p>When we were at the theater on Saturday before the movie, I noticed that The Whale was playing, which surprised me since I didn't think it was playing at many theaters. I decided over the weekend that I was going to take myself to that movie, and to A Man Called Otto. And I decided that the day I was going to do that was today. I don't have good memories of this date two years ago, and so I wanted to make different memories for this date so I'll have better things to remember in years to come. </p><p>A little side note.....many years ago, when our cheap theater was still opened, my Mom and I went to see a movie. After that movie was over, we looked at the board of movies and decided we were going to see another movie that was going to start not too long after the one we just saw. Neither of us had gone to see two movies in one theater on the same day before! We kinda felt like kids, we were so excited! lol I had not done that since, so I was pretty happy there were two movies I wanted to see that were separated with enough time in between to be possible to do so. </p><p>The Whale was first, and that was an amazing film. Brendan Fraser did an excellent job in the movie, and I believe he is up for an Oscar that I feel he deserves. The story is moving, sad, and doesn't have the happiest of endings, but I truly enjoyed it. </p><p>I had finished reading the book A Man Called Ove last night, which is what A Man Called Otto is based on. The book is Swedish, so a few of the characters have different names, including Ove (Otto for an American name). Some of the same scenarios are played out in the movie, and while I really enjoyed this movie, too, I think I liked the book a lot better. However, I don't feel one needs to read the book in order to enjoy the movie! Again, with this movie, it has a bit of a sad ending, but I liked it anyway!</p><p>I had a surprise ending to my day with a quick dinner at my Dad's after he had left a message asking me to come over before I went back home to help him sort something out. It was nice to spend some time with him and have a meal at his house when he's usually invited over to mine (which I need to do again soon!). I am happy to have had this day, to be able to spend it in a movie theater watching a couple of good movies and remembering my Mom, and then seeing my Dad afterward. It's days like these I feel truly blessed! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-79615277466110908112023-01-29T21:59:00.001-05:002023-01-29T21:59:51.618-05:00A New Month, Winter Chill Is Finally Showing Up<p> February starts this week, and with it is coming the coldest temperatures we've had all winter so far. It'll be in the 20s or teens most of the week. I don't like that at all. I will be leaving my house at least twice this week for appointments. Tomorrow is the dentist, but I don't think it'll be really frigid tomorrow. If I feel up to it afterward, I might try to go get a few things to make a beef stew in the crock pot. I haven't had that in ages. </p><p>Wednesday, I will be having a massage for the first time in forever, too! I am hoping to make it a monthly thing. I found out last week that due to some NY State changes to Medicaid, I am suddenly no longer needing to pay for my medical, which was shocking to me. I actually had to call the Social Service office to try to understand what happened. I've been paying for my Medicaid for years, which is fine. I have a ton of medical issues, and so I need my Medicaid. But now, I guess I make too little income and I no longer have to pay for Medicaid. Ummmmm, ooooook. My caseworker told me I could "Take care of myself." Well, guess what then???? I have been wanting to get massages at least monthly for the longest time, I just couldn't really afford it. Well, at least for now I can!! I have a friend who is a massage therapist who I've know forever (we actually were born in the same hospital on the same day! lol), and I will be going to her. I am hoping maybe some regular massage will help me with anxiety? Maybe. I'm trying everything.</p><p>I had a nice weekend, but I am anxious pretty much my entire day even though I am doing all the things. I guess on Friday when I have my appointment with my therapist, I will have to tell her I need to see the psychiatrist sooner than March. I'm really not looking forward to that. I know he can increase my current medication one more time, but I honestly don't know if that will even help. So in the meantime, I keep getting up every day and doing the best I can. I'm eating despite my stomach not feeling great. I'm exercising, which does help to a point most of the time. I'm meditating every day, sometimes a couple of times. I'm taking my vitamins, I'm eating pretty healthy, I'm cleaning on days when I need to, writing cards to seniors, reading, painting. I'm doing stuff to keep me busy, but the anxiety doesn't seem to care about any of that and is just there, either at a dull point or blatantly obvious. So, I don't know what else I can be doing. I added the Vitamin D increase because I thought maybe that would help, but I don't think with 3 pills so far that it's increased that much. Do I keep living the way I have been while waiting or just get an earlier appointment with the psychiatrist? I know the answer. I just kept having hope that what I have been doing would suddenly kick in, and it's not. So, I will do my best this week and on Friday I will have to tell my therapist what has been going on since I last talked to her (when my anxiety was actually not around). </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-35521790239751419712023-01-25T22:58:00.000-05:002023-01-25T22:58:04.093-05:00SummariesAlmost two weeks have passed since I last wrote. I actually felt hardly any anxiety for about 5 days, and then it went from not there to subtly there. It's not out of control, but it's not gone either. I have had two doses of the 50K Vitamin D pills, which I started taking on January 14th. So, it's every Saturday for 12 weeks. That first weekend, we actually had sun twice, and I purposely put my winter coat and hat on and stood in the sun for as long as I could tolerate the cold. I've only seen glimpses of it since. I guess that's a huge part of my lack of Vitamin D!!<div><br /></div><div>I started talk therapy again last Wednesday. I still have the same therapist I've had twice already, because I do really like her, and I didn't really feel like starting over new with someone else. I told her the reasons for wanting to talk to someone again. I told her it's because I am especially hard on myself. She asked me what I meant by that. I summed it up this way:</div><div><br /></div><div>As a lifelong chronically-ill person, I didn't really get to have the life I truly wanted. Sure, I had a "teaching career" that lasted only three and a half years, but that was it. But, does everyone's life turn out exactly how they planned? I also told her that I did start trying to talk myself out of this anxiety hole I'm in because my mind has told itself that I am not doing anything with my life. And that is the BIGGEST BUNCH OF CRAP I'VE EVER HEARD!!! </div><div><br /></div><div>What have I been able to accomplish since I had to quit working? I'll make a list:</div><div>1. I finished my grad degree in Early Childhood Education.</div><div><br /></div><div>2. I started a PH support group in Western NY when I was terrified about doing it originally. This year will be the 18th year anniversary of the group!</div><div><br /></div><div>3. I taught myself how to make jewelry of all sorts when I didn't know what to buy as gifts for my friends since my budget got cut from not working. I made jewelry and sold it for years until I wasn't selling it anymore and I got a little bored with it.</div><div><br /></div><div>4. I taught myself how to cook better and eat better, and I enjoy making things for myself and others.</div><div> </div><div>5. I taught myself how to paint in glass, and then I started painting rocks. Now I'm painting paint-by-number canvasses that I just enjoy because it's so relaxing.</div><div><br /></div><div>6. I've made new friends in many places, and kept up relationships I've had for years. I have always been told I am THAT person who tries to keep people together, and I guess it's true. And that is saying a lot for someone who grew up terribly shy. </div><div><br /></div><div>7. I raised a cat for 15 years, and after I had to let him go to heaven, I have been "raising" another cat for almost 7 years. Although, I can't say I'm raising her to do anything because she is quite the personality challenge from the first one. lol</div><div><br /></div><div>8. I have worked so very hard in the last at least 5 years building an exercise routine that I am so very proud of! It's to the point where I actually get a little irritated when I can't exercise. But, to be able to do something pretty much every day is a miracle considering I never took a gym class and I never played sports. I'm so thankful that my body is able to handle what I'm doing.</div><div><br /></div><div>9. I learned how to make a little cash here and there by finding out about survey websites. I'm still doing several of them 15 years later, and it's been helpful!</div><div><br /></div><div>10. I've had two boyfriends, one I had to learn the hard way about what NOT to have in a relationship, and the current one's lesson is that someone truly can come along when you least expect them to. I don't regret the first relationship, because it helped me learn so many things I was tolerating when I shouldn't have been. </div><div><br /></div><div>11. Volunteering at the nursing home made me truly realize how much of a people person I am, and I loved every minute of it! Unfortunately, since I probably can't go back to doing it safely thanks to covid and even other illnesses, I had to find a new way to help elders. And I did!! Now I am writing letters thanks to a few websites I found! If I had enough money, I'd be sending out letters constantly, but I need to limit myself a bit because stamps are expensive! </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm sure I am missing some of the things I've accomplished for myself in the last 24 years, but I'm getting tired and I need to sleep. I'm trying to keep my spirits up every day, even though the anxiety is still around. I'm pushing myself to do things anyway because I am hard headed and I don't give up. But, that is the source of my anxiety right now, all those things I have accomplished, and yet I still don't feel I'm doing much. And that is why I am seeing my therapist again, to hopefully help me get through to myself that what I am doing with my life is perfectly fine! The only person judging me is MYSELF!! </div>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-17161531582303384272023-01-13T13:44:00.001-05:002023-01-13T13:44:13.817-05:00Stuff<p> It's been a few days. I've been busy but still also fighting the anxiety train. However, after a dear friend asked why I wasn't calling my mental health nurse to talk about what I'm dealing with, I finally did on Tuesday morning. I had to leave a message and wait for a call back. In the meantime, that day I spent keeping pretty busy. I showered, cleaned the bathroom, did yoga, washed my dishes, cooked (I made stuffed peppers!), even painted for a little bit. I had time for a little nap with Grace before making dinner and spending the rest of the evening playing around on the laptop. </p><p>Wednesday morning, I had a med check appt with my gyno. She walked into the exam room, looked at me, and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her about the anxiety issues I was having again. I even told her about the blood work I got done last week to check certain levels that can also be related to anxiety: thyroid (normal), Vitamin B levels (normal), Vitamin D (low!). I told her my new cardiologist told me to talk to my primary doctor about trying to increase my Vitamin D, but when I did send a message in the portal, my doctor said to just leave everything as it was because it wasn't "that low." My number was 29, just one point off the 30-150 range Vitamin D should be in. My gyno said she would never leave a patient that low, especially when I was having the increased anxiety. She said she would be willing to help with that, but I didn't say yes. I just said I was taking my Vitamin D different than I had been before to see if maybe that change would make a difference. But after the appt, while I was driving to a movie (more on that in a second), and after getting a callback from my mental health nurse (while I was driving, of course...I was able to pull over to answer) and her saying it sounded like I needed a different medication, I decided I wanted my gyno to help me! So, I had to call the next morning, and as of right now, I have 50000 IU of Vitamin D waiting to be picked up at the pharmacy. I need to take it once a week for 14 weeks, and then go back down to what I'm already taking since I'll be able to get more Vitamin D naturally from the sun. </p><p>In the meantime, my mental health nurse called me back again yesterday since she couldn't pull up her computer to get the doctor's schedule so I could get an appt with him. I told her about the Vitamin D issue, and that I'd like to see if it helps anything before trying a whole new med, and she said sure, I can call back in a week to see if I need to make an appt. However, I did also tell her I felt I needed to talk to a therapist again, so I will be going back to the same one I've had twice starting next Wednesday. I know some of my anxiety issues are because I think about things too darn much, and I need some help sorting them out. So, that's it for now with my mental health. I'm fighting like hell because dealing with constant anxiety is awful and I just want to feel like myself again!</p><p>Now about that movie! I took myself to see I Wanna Dance With Somebody, the story of Whitney Houston's life. I loved it! I was such a fan when I was a young kid,and hearing all the songs she had made me relive my childhood. For example, I was in Girl Scouts for several years. I remember one time we were supposed to have a talent show, and I chose to lip sync (believe me, I can't sing worth anything lol) to Whitney's I Wanna Dance With Somebody. I wore a dark blue sweater of my mom's that was huge on me because I was such a tiny skinny thing back then. I wore a belt around that, and tights. I kind of danced as best I could around the stage while singing to the song, and I enjoyed it! Whitney's life was definitely a hard one, and it's such a sad thing that she could not tackle the demons that eventually took her life. I enjoyed the move a lot, and I am glad I went! When I got home, I danced for exercise and ended up listening to the title song about 5 times before moving on to something else. lol </p><p>Today has been going alright so far. I'm pretty tired. I woke up a bit calmer than I have been most mornings, which was a surprise. I had breakfast and showered before the oxygen guy got here. I want to pick up my meds, but it's a slippery ice-skating rink on the roads outside my house right now, so I guess I'll just have to wait until later or tomorrow. I'm off to make some lunch and then take a nap before trying to exercise! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-63379554199156313712023-01-07T23:04:00.002-05:002023-01-07T23:04:33.523-05:00Ugh<p> I thought today was going to be good. I felt pretty tired when I got up this morning, but I figured it was because of going to bed last night still really full and not sleeping great. I started my day fine, but sometime after my breakfast, I just felt really blah and....I just don't know how to describe it. Not really anxious, but something was going on in my body that it didn't like. However, I still had a support group meeting to run! </p><p>My new laptop was not really wanting to participate in Zoom, so I had to join Zoom through the browser. Whatever, at least that worked! I waited in the room for several minutes before someone finally joined. I had spoken to her last month when she called me after finding out about my group through another lady. She was the only one to join the support group meeting today. We chatted for over an hour before we both decided just to take off. Sometimes I feel disappointed by small group meetings like that, but I know virtual meetings haven't been really well accepted by my group. I also knew that I helped at least one person who was so very excited to "meet" me, even just online! She is very excited about going to an in-person meeting, which I will start in April. </p><p>I did some surveys after the meeting, and finally made some lunch before taking my afternoon meds and a 90 minute nap. I have felt a bit better since doing that, but not totally. I made a yummy dinner that I quite enjoyed. I had little potatoes from Aldi, so I chopped up several of those, an onion, some green beans, and mushrooms, mixed them all with olive oil and Trader Joe's 21 Seasoning Salute spice and some smoked paprika, and then roasted them for 25 minutes. Delicious! I decided to try some dancing after dinner, and did pretty well with that. Then I finished writing three letters to seniors after getting ready for bed. I have two more to do to complete the eight I pledged to write. I can send them out sometime next week! Now, it's off to bed, and hopefully a better day tomorrow!! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-40992613139910892882023-01-06T22:01:00.004-05:002023-01-06T22:01:41.232-05:00A Good Friday!<p> I had thought maybe today I'd go see the Whitney Houston movie, but I called my sister, Mandy, to see if she had really wanted to go, too. After talking for an hour and a half, we decided to try maybe going on Wednesday next week. And no, it did not take that long to decide this. lol We talked about a lot of things. It was nice to chat with her for so long!</p><p>My oxygen guy comes on Fridays, and even when he calls me in the mornings to give me a time frame of when he'll be here, it doesn't mean he makes it during that time. Such was the case today. He told me around noon but didn't get here until almost 2. I was trying to do random things around the house when I really just wanted to get on the treadmill! When he was finally gone, I walked for a mile on the treadmill, and then had a late lunch. I was contemplating a nap but also wanting to start working on cards for seniors. I opted to just make one card, and I ended up making two! I think I am going to like doing this! It's basically just an open conversation about myself, but also being able to ask the senior a question even though I know I won't get a reply from them. Asking a question can get them reminiscing, which is important to do! I decorated the cards with stickers, and I might draw something on the envelope to make it not look so plain. I have six more to write out and then I can send them to the facility I chose. </p><p>I ended up going to dinner tonight with my boyfriend, our mutual friend and her husband, and her husband's uncle. We went to a sushi place, and it was so delicious! I have been to this place twice before, and I like it a lot, but I don't know how to CONTROL myself from not ordering so much. They basically give you a menu, and you can order off it as many times as you want. I'm always amazed at how much my boyfriend can eat. lol I had shrimp fried rice, 8 summer rolls (shrimp tempura with a sauce whose name I forget, it was a little spicy), two shrimp tempura skewers that accidentally got left at our table, and crab ragoon. I'm regretting all the food currently, and I am wondering if I'll wake up hungry for breakfast tomorrow. LOL </p><p>Speaking of tomorrow, I have my first support group of the year, which is virtual. I'm excited about it even though the people who have registered aren't even in my group. lol Since it is virtual, the PHA sends it out to pretty much anyone who wants to attend. I don't mind. It's better than getting no one at all, and at least they are still PHers who might need support!! So, I'm off to give Grace her snack, take my pills, and go read until I pass out, which might be pretty soon!! Good night world! :)</p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-45803393758596982302023-01-05T22:26:00.002-05:002023-01-05T22:26:33.959-05:00Productivity<p> Despite not really feeling that great today, I certainly got a lot done around here. I got up a little after 9, got Grace's breakfast and partially put my breakfast out, and then took a shower. I didn't end up eating breakfast until almost 11 since I also wanted to dry my hair. I don't like letting it air dry in the winter. I spent a lot of time doing some laptop stuff before I finally decided to go walk on my treadmill. I was about to step on it when a dance song came on - KC & The Sunshine Band! Well, guess what? The treadmill idea got nixed, and I ended up dancing. lol I had to take a small break halfway through when my Dad showed up at my door. He wanted to take out my garbage, plus I had given him a container of the tuna noodle casserole I made last night. So, he left, and I finished my dance session. It's amazing how exercise can help anxiety, because I felt a little better after that. I had a very late lunch, then a tiny nap, and dinner, news and a Law & Order episode. I think I'm almost done catching up with that, so now I can watch the other two versions of Law & Order soon! </p><p>I did a few loads of laundry today, too. So I guess I'll count the stairs as exercise as well for today. I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. It's supposed to be a little chillier with a little snow (probably not much for here in Niagara Falls). I don't know if I feel up to going out somewhere after the oxygen guy comes or what. I'll see how I feel tomorrow!</p><p>I'd like to see the movie about Whitney Houston. I had thought about going to the Regal pretty soon, and then today, the Niagara Falls Regal closed. It's going to reopen as a Dipson theater and is supposed to be remodeled, which is nice, but I don't know what movies they'll have when they open on February 1st. I might have to drive 20 minutes to the next closest Regal if I really want to see I Wanna Dance With Somebody! Perhaps a field trip tomorrow?? I'll sleep on it!! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-35103599864954051022023-01-04T23:00:00.004-05:002023-01-04T23:00:56.064-05:00Errands!<p> I have been on a medication for pulmonary hypertension for 19 years called Tracleer (bosentan). It requires that I get monthly blood work to check my liver functions, and to make sure I'm not pregnant. So yes, I have been doing this for 19 years! I decided today that I would leave after breakfast this morning to get this blood work done before it rained heavier in the afternoon. So, my errands looked like this:</p><p>-Drop off a piece of mail at the post office since getting my mail here has been spotty lately. </p><p>-Go to Rite Aid to pick up a prescription, and wait in line for about half an hour since they have had terrible problems in the last year with not enough staff (many places have been like this, not just Rite Aid). </p><p>-Go to the credit union to deposit some money, pay my rent, and say good luck to one of the ladies who is retiring on Saturday! She's such a sweet person, and swears she'll see us this summer when the weather gets better and she can invite us to sit out on her patio, but we'll see! </p><p>-Get blood work done! Not only did I have my monthly blood work, but I also had extra blood work for the new cardiologist I saw last month. I think I had 8 tubes of blood taken. Good thing it didn't bother me. lol</p><p>-Go to Dollar General to browse. I am going to start writing letters to seniors since I have decided it's probably no longer safe for me to volunteer at the nursing home. I found a website that lets you pick a senior facility and how many letters you want to write based on their need. I found a site the other night that was asking for 8 letters, so I now have some supplies to get writing! I'm excited about doing this! I'll start with 8, and then see if I like it enough to want to do more. </p><p>-Pick up a free Starbucks drink thanks to the amount of stars I had on my Starbucks account. Yay! I haven't treated myself to Starbucks in awhile, so it was nice to get something!</p><p>I got home, made a little lunch, and then took a nap for a bit. I had decided I wanted to make a tuna noodle casserole (one of my favorite comfort foods!) and have my Dad over for dinner. He wasn't feeling that great, so I have saved some in a container for him to pick up tomorrow. I had my dinner, watched a Law & Order episode, took a bath and read, and now I'm getting read to hit the hay! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-27581596741768072122023-01-03T22:40:00.002-05:002023-01-03T22:40:58.810-05:00Busyness Today<p> My anxiety was rather crappy today, and I think it was brought on by what happened last night. I woke up to find out Damar Hamlin had cardiac arrest on the football field, which is why he was worked on for so long before he was brought to the hospital. No real updates since then, other than his vitals were stable, but he's been intubated and still in critical condition. I've been praying for him all day. </p><p>I had decided that I wanted to change my bedding, which meant almost an entire day of stripping the bed, slowly washing the blanket, the decorative blanket that goes over the bedspread, the sheets that had been on the bed, and putting everything back together. In between loads of wash, I also did an hour of yoga. I was pretty proud of myself, but tonight I am realizing that I think I once again pulled something in my chest and arm area while putting the bed back together. This seemed to be a common occurrence last year. And because it's in my chest, and my anxiety is a bit off, the combination really sucks. I've taken Tylenol a couple of times, and I've tried some heat. Guess I'll see how it goes tomorrow, but at least I'll have a nice comfy clean bed to sleep in tonight! That's always the best part!</p><p>My boyfriend texted me while I was waking from a nap earlier this evening to ask if I wanted to see Puss in Boots. He had taken me to see the original one when they brought it back to the theaters briefly this summer. So, I said sure! It was a pretty good movie, lots of funny parts, and references to fairy tales that were hilarious. I liked it! I'm hoping the next movie I see will be I Wanna Dance With Somebody, about Whitney Houston. Mandy wanted to go see it, so I will ask her when she'd like to go, but if she's not really sure, then I'm going by myself. Movies don't really seem to stay in theaters very long these days! Some seem to be there a couple of weeks and then go right to a streaming service that I don't have. </p><p>I'm so ready for bed, I'm exhausted from all I did today. I am hoping Grace won't do a repeat of very early this morning. I'm not sure what time it was, definitely way before 7am when I usually get up for my pills, but I awoke to her banging on my bedroom door and crying. I kept yelling at her to stop, but she didn't listen. I got out of bed, opened the door a crack, and crawled back into bed. Next thing I knew, Grace burst open the door, jumped on the bed, walked over to me to be near the wall, and just sent to sleep. I never let her sleep in my room, except for when I get up at 7am and go back to bed after taking my pills. I also let her nap with me. But sleeping all night? No. However, the few times I have let her do it, she actually sleeps with me all night, and doesn't come in and out of the room like most cats do. So, I guess I'll see what she does tonight. I don't want her to keep thinking I'll let her in my room at all hours of the night!</p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-18159345270856354952023-01-02T22:37:00.001-05:002023-01-02T22:37:39.611-05:00Buffalo Bills<p> I was going to type about my day, but my day is ending on a very sad and upsetting note. I was never a huge football fan growing up. It wasn't until I started dating my ex back in 2012 that I started to watch games and understand how the game was played, and before I knew it, I was a Buffalo Bills fan! Even after we broke up, I still continued to watch the Bills, despite so many losses and heartbreaking seasons. </p><p>In 2017, we got a new quarterback. Josh Allen. His jersey number? 17. MY FAVORITE NUMBER!! There was something different about this young man. And suddenly, the Bills were starting to do things we hadn't seen in so long. Like WINNING! A LOT! And going to the playoffs! The teams has been working so hard to get to the Super Bowl, and this season has felt like we almost have it, we're almost there!</p><p>Tonight, the Bills were playing the Cincinnati Bengals. The first quarter was barely started when there was a terrible injury for the Bills. Damar Hamlin, who is only 24, was hit, got up, and immediately went down. He was worked on the field for over 15 minutes with CPR, the ambulance took him away and the game was suspended and eventually postponed. No real word as of right now what his status is, but fans of football all over have been praying for this young man. I've actually cried because this has been a complete shock, and I think everyone else feels shock and sadness. So, I am off to bed very shortly with prayers to Damar and his family, to his teammates, and with everyone else who cares about this young man. </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-84642331570644047462023-01-01T23:19:00.002-05:002023-01-01T23:19:51.065-05:00A Brand New Year - 2023, Here We Go!<p> I completely skipped blogging about anything for 2022. It was a little difficult for me in terms of anxiety and not feeling great that comes along with that. I'm doing better right now, so I decided to give blogging daily (hopefully) another try. It's been so long since I've even done that, and I do like to write. So, I'll see what happens!</p><p>On this first day of 2023, it was fairly uneventful. I had my breakfast and then did my yoga. Time to start a whole new year of exercise! I did 274 out of the 365 days of exercising last year, which was down from the year before. I attribute that to the already mentioned anxiety and not feeling well, so I am hoping to do better this year! I'm very thankful I actually really like to exercise, but at the same time, I have been giving myself grace periods if I cannot do it. I tend to push myself a lot, and that is hard to do sometimes with having PH. So, I've got one day down. Yay!</p><p>I played with my brand new laptop for a bit, a gift for Christmas from my wonderful boyfriend that was totally not expected, but very much appreciated. I've got it set up for the most part, but I just can't figure out how to get my printer set up to it wirelessly. Guess I will have to try googling that, but for now, if I have to print something, I should be able to just use the cable from the printer. My new laptop is not that heavy to lug around like my other one was, so I have no excuses just to move it to the other room to print!</p><p>I had a nice nap with Grace after some lunch. Dinner was next on the agenda after waking up. Such exciting times! After dinner, I took a very nice bath with some of the bath products Mandy got me for Christmas. It was so very nice to soak in relaxing bubbles, and using a delicious smelling orange body scrub! I also read two chapters of a book I'm trying to finish. I seem to get most of my reading done when I am soaking in the tub!</p><p>My boyfriend came over after I was done so we could watch The Glass Onion on Netflix. If you watched Knives Out, I think you'd also love this movie! It was very good! Now I am very slowly starting to fade, so it's time to get myself to bed so I can wake up to see what excitement or relaxing things will happen for the 2nd day of this year! </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-6232133982111911952021-06-22T22:43:00.001-04:002021-06-22T22:43:35.147-04:00Goodbye, Grandma<p> 2021 keeps marching on, and it's still surreal to know my Mom isn't here anymore. To add another punch in the gut to this fucktastic year, my Grandma K, my Mom's mother, died last week. Although Grandma was 98, and lived a pretty full life, I truly believe that the loss of my Mom was too much for her to take. Fourteen weeks to the day my Mom died, on a Tuesday morning, my Grandma died, on a Tuesday evening. She was surrounded by much of her family at home, where she truly wanted to be when she died, after spending weeks in a hospital and a rehab facility. A week after they finally allowed her to go home to be at peace, she went to heaven. I am pretty darn sure that she was greeted by my Mom, my Grandpa K, and so many more who went before her years ago. I am saddened that she is gone, but I am relieved that she is no longer in pain physically or emotionally. </p><p> My Dad, Mandy, Lisa and I were able to drive to Horseheads, NY, this past weekend for my Grandma's services. It was the first time we'd seen any of my Mom's family for quite some time, since we had a private service for my Mom back in March due to covid restrictions. The funeral was beautiful, the eulogy given by my Uncle Paul was sweet and informational (so many things I didn't know about Grandma, or forgot!), and the luncheon afterward was both joyful and painful. I am glad that we were able to be there. I hope that many of them are able to attend a celebration of my Mom's life whenever Canada opens and we can have Rick's family there, too. But, I don't know when that will be. It's rather frustrating. </p><p>Anyway, before we headed back home, we went to Grandma's house for probably the last time ever. Lisa, Mandy and I walked the entire house, upstairs, side porch, basement, looking at things and remembering so many years of being there. It was kind of like a second home. I will actually miss it. I do not know what Grandma's family is going to do with the house, but I am sure it probably won't be kept for any reason. I guess I will hear at some point. I am just glad we did decide to go there one last time </p><p>I am so ready for this year to be over. Six more months to go. I pray that nothing, NOTHING, else happens to our family. I don't know how much more loss I can take. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKhgTQ8TA2yn9llXCd16aQWS4yADrHztxAOm5GcXEI08POB3pGE0GEFwUL4D4MzRi46ww32yt9M23PgVlqRaZ9uy9QJuLdEZygRh2GaUXkRIx1DYWzHtyVZRCvoRYh11F2G9OWlg/s2048/2021-06-19+08.04.27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKhgTQ8TA2yn9llXCd16aQWS4yADrHztxAOm5GcXEI08POB3pGE0GEFwUL4D4MzRi46ww32yt9M23PgVlqRaZ9uy9QJuLdEZygRh2GaUXkRIx1DYWzHtyVZRCvoRYh11F2G9OWlg/s320/2021-06-19+08.04.27.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaUAiIvoX0TQTlOltS88dvDy_6vMnh0daT_7-BqwiCZf5R3SLxWuiifTCbeqdKENDod8x0j7lx2LqvvKozES7ED1XyrhLbiYnb1VujddTHKSD7vnFcpFOTa-YKZeheIQHM_YsSkA/s1447/2021-06-17+12.49.36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1447" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaUAiIvoX0TQTlOltS88dvDy_6vMnh0daT_7-BqwiCZf5R3SLxWuiifTCbeqdKENDod8x0j7lx2LqvvKozES7ED1XyrhLbiYnb1VujddTHKSD7vnFcpFOTa-YKZeheIQHM_YsSkA/s320/2021-06-17+12.49.36.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBEcnl0W7UJm3lEmFBk3_LmJaZH6kp-B4Jt0Dn8MnwagBvNlxmoaAMMElvr1KghijqQ5_i6ql_ycZAPZ3hdZQqDX2THR6PTWmTAdkAHO4GhSzAnu6cLl6kuoKG4YLIWr7CjNuiyw/s2048/2021-06-19+16.10.04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBEcnl0W7UJm3lEmFBk3_LmJaZH6kp-B4Jt0Dn8MnwagBvNlxmoaAMMElvr1KghijqQ5_i6ql_ycZAPZ3hdZQqDX2THR6PTWmTAdkAHO4GhSzAnu6cLl6kuoKG4YLIWr7CjNuiyw/s320/2021-06-19+16.10.04.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXMmwCub10PaqpqXxhW6Cnn_lxcJSGo2xnoG0pFenbPtFEXwfmw2JIgeqs_wPr2AkZvuG1AqezchdGv1RQ7X_3SRbgMpSCO9HQ_yRQixSh_1ptBwWEixnC6zAnMKikH0W6dN5-vg/s2048/2021-06-19+16.10.20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXMmwCub10PaqpqXxhW6Cnn_lxcJSGo2xnoG0pFenbPtFEXwfmw2JIgeqs_wPr2AkZvuG1AqezchdGv1RQ7X_3SRbgMpSCO9HQ_yRQixSh_1ptBwWEixnC6zAnMKikH0W6dN5-vg/s320/2021-06-19+16.10.20.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnUscFscf0gEPDpla5hoXo99wvGcK6JlVxwRMlDKC-WPdSdPPtANn0JN_wwsAmmcWtgDKlE9agj_6-rsgISaFmY9fBRO2yHEQaOnA_GnZ8dfKXQno7AghCWPul3wy2pB8fpkzOeA/s2048/2021-06-19+16.15.45.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnUscFscf0gEPDpla5hoXo99wvGcK6JlVxwRMlDKC-WPdSdPPtANn0JN_wwsAmmcWtgDKlE9agj_6-rsgISaFmY9fBRO2yHEQaOnA_GnZ8dfKXQno7AghCWPul3wy2pB8fpkzOeA/s320/2021-06-19+16.15.45.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawnPJVUNssSsC3bTJmjBvO0CQ92JPEvEszVaCOGC4XhqlRhdxxCU53khCf1GixDvnalRRHI56UxQ81k_EmtnaJCXIEQTBV3Bwbn7Tps2JAgH1DnB_j01UXYqa-s1wfqlp-JJpOg/s2048/2021-06-19+16.15.48.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawnPJVUNssSsC3bTJmjBvO0CQ92JPEvEszVaCOGC4XhqlRhdxxCU53khCf1GixDvnalRRHI56UxQ81k_EmtnaJCXIEQTBV3Bwbn7Tps2JAgH1DnB_j01UXYqa-s1wfqlp-JJpOg/s320/2021-06-19+16.15.48.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-10880036845702987632021-04-10T23:08:00.002-04:002021-04-10T23:15:07.303-04:00Vaccinated<p>Throughout the year of covid, many drug companies started trying to come up with a vaccine against this deadly new illness. While it usually takes many years, sometimes many decades, to come up with new vaccines and even medications, the first two vaccines for coronavirus were emergency FDA-approved before the new year began. Some people even began to get vaccines in December. Still hard to come by, and with not a true plan in place on how people were to be vaccinated, January brought in a new administration and a new plan. It still has taken some time, but I feel as if more and more people are able to receive a vaccine if they so choose. Because remember, people have a choice about whether or not they want to be vaccinated. And that is ok. </p><p>A week before my mom died from covid, I was called by the Niagara County Mental Health department about the Moderna vaccine, and if I would like one. I was shocked, because although people living with comorbidities were able to get a vaccine (good luck finding one!) if they wanted to, around mid-February, I hadn't really been making huge efforts in trying to find one. It was still winter, it was still cold, I wasn't going out a lot anyway, I figured I'd eventually find one somehow. But no, here was an opportunity for me to get one!! So, of course, I said yes! I was to get it about a week later. And I had to only drive less than 5 minutes from my house. YAY!!</p><p>I decided that afternoon to call my mom in her hospital room. She was on very hi-flow oxygen at the time, and I knew it wasn't easy for her to talk, but I knew she would want to know that her sickest child had the opportunity to get the vaccine and was going to do it. She had asked me several times if I was going to get one, and I said of course, I would. I called her room, and she answered, and I told her it was me. I told her I knew she was having a hard time talking, but that I knew she would want to know that I had gotten a call that morning about getting a vaccine, and that I had an appointment the next week. She sounded happy for me, asked where it was and which one. I told her, and she said, "Well, Colleen, I am happy that you're getting one." I could tell that it took a lot of breath just to tell me that, so I told her I wouldn't keep her. I told her that I loved her, and she told me that she loved me. And then we hung up. Little did I know, that would be the very last conversation I would ever have with my mom. </p><p>Fast forward to two days after my mom passed. I went to my first vaccine shot appointment. I cried the entire time I was there. So many PHriends have been posting about their relief to get the vaccine, how happy they were, how free they felt. I did not feel any of that. I felt such unbearable grief that I was getting my first shot right after my mom lost her life to this horrible illness. Four weeks later, I got the second shot, and despite a day and a half of very yucky side effects, I'm still not feeling anything other than complete and utter sadness that my mom never got a chance to get a vaccine. It hurts so much. </p><p>BUT.....on the day I got my 2nd shot, which was mid-morning, I felt fine enough to go to a favorite park I like to walk at since it was also a beautiful day weather-wise. I got to the park, got Artie (my oxygen) turned up, and started to go. Not even a minute into my walk, I passed by two women on their own walk. It didn't dawn on me until several minutes later that my mom showed me that she was with me. Because despite the fact that butterflies are not usually around this early in the season, I realized that one of the women's shirts had an array of beautiful butterflies on it. My mom knew how much butterflies meant to me, and showed me that shirt so I knew she was watching. And that small sign of comfort made me feel like she was happy to know that I am now fully vaccinated. It may have brought a tiny little piece of happiness to me. </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-41600971855135513162021-03-22T22:49:00.003-04:002021-03-22T22:52:48.102-04:00Absolute Pain<p> It's almost a year since I last wrote, but it's been over a year since the coronavirus pandemic started. There has been so much loss in this last year. So much. Over 500,000 lives have been lost to this virus in the United States alone, higher than any other country. </p><p>And one of those lives gone just recently happened, when my beautiful and wonderful mother passed away earlier this month after complications from covid. It has been absolutely unbearable and soul crushing. And I just don't know how to cope. I am gutted. I am traumatized. And I am in absolute pain. </p><p>I miss my mom so much. </p>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-70405443047338115642020-03-28T21:51:00.002-04:002020-03-28T21:51:33.131-04:00WTF, 2020????Near the end of last year, with all the busyness of the holidays, I started realizing how happy I truly had been for quite some time. I reflected on how 2015 and the few years following were so difficult to get through, but also that I eventually conquered those difficulties to the point where I was loving life again!! I was doing fairly good healthwise, exercising quite a bit, still meditating daily. I was enjoying all the things that go with the holiday, such as buying gifts for family and a few friends, going to holiday events for the nursing home, spending time with loved ones almost every week. Christmas came and went, and it was nice! Even though I spent the New Year by myself again as usual, I didn't mind. I was in a happy place!! I had excitement and hope for 2020 and new things to come!! BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!!!<br />
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BUT THEN........<br />
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In January, stuff started happening with my parents' health. My mom had some inconsistencies with some tests that had to be investigated. Plus, she didn't always feel well, which really wasn't anything new, but I felt like it was more frequent. And then near the end of January, my dad had a small stroke. That threw the entire family for a loop, including my dad, who has been relatively healthy for the most part. I'm so incredibly thankful that his stroke was not severe, but he is still trying to recover from it two months later. I believe he'll get there, but he seems to be having impatience with it, and not always feeling that great.<br />
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Also in January, a dear friend's father had a stroke before my dad had his. Then in February, a dear friend's mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Several days after the funeral, another dear friend's father had a small heart attack. All I could think of was WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HAPPENING??? I admit I had a couple breakdowns with all the stress that I was going through worrying about not only my own parents, but the parents of my friends. This year wasn't going well in terms of health so far!! The only blessing I felt was that my own physical health wasn't taking a toll.<br />
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In the meantime, a scary, brand new virus was spiraling out of control in China. I would hear about it in my daily news brief with Alexa as I went on with my morning routine. It actually started to make news before the new year, but the news made it seem for awhile that it was just a thing happening across the world. Until it started spreading into other countries. And before we knew what was happening, Coronavirus (Covid-19) hit the United States.<br />
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Most of the country has been on lockdown since the second weekend of March. No one is allowed to come into the country unless they are a necessity. The elderly and people with compromised immune systems should really not try leaving the house. Covid-19 has been spreading regardless of this because not everyone is practicing social distancing, a term that has become the "new normal" nowadays in American life. Stores are bare of a lot of needs, especially toilet paper and cleaning supplies. I've only been out driving twice since March 7th, and it wasn't to go to a store, it was just to get some outdoor air in a space other than my home. No one knows when life will go back to normal, but will it truly be "normal" again? This pandemic hit the world in a fury and no one was really prepared for it (no matter what person in higher positions think). I hope and pray every day that none of my family and friends get sick from this virus, and I also hope and pray that this ends soon. In the meantime, thinking about just the first three months of this brand new year, all I can say is:<br /><br />
WHAT THE FUCK, 2020???????????Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-28899905823097159152020-03-12T21:48:00.001-04:002020-03-12T21:48:37.837-04:00Up, Up, And Away!I have lived in Niagara Falls, NY, my entire life. I have seen the Falls many, many times over the years. I've seen them just walking in the park to watch the fireworks down there. I've seen them by boat, on the <a href="https://www.maidofthemist.com/" target="_blank">Maid of the Mist</a>, at least 5 or 6 times (the last Maid trip, it hailed while we were also being pelted by rain and mist from the Falls themselves! lol). I have yet to see the Falls from behind in the <a href="https://www.niagarafallsstatepark.com/attractions-and-tours/cave-of-the-winds" target="_blank">Cave of the Winds</a>, but hopefully soon! This summer, I saw the great Niagara Falls and beyond from a view I had always been told I should see them from, but was never really sure I wanted to....FROM ABOVE!!<br />
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In June, after one of the fun casino trips with the seniors at the nursing home, I decided to drive around downtown to see the streets and possible places to park if I ever decided I wanted to go to one of the many events happening during the summer. I eventually ended up near the helipad of <a href="http://www.rainbowairinc.com/" target="_blank">Rainbow Air</a>. With a few moments of hesitation, I thought, why not go over there and see if Pat is working, to ask how much it would be for me to go up. Pat is part of the family who has owned the helicopter tour business for many years. I have always been told I should go up for a ride, but always kinda scoffed at the idea. I boldly decided this year, why not?? Even though I was still scared! lol Pat happened to be there, and after chatting for a bit, he asked if I wanted to go up. I said "I DON'T KNOW" and laughed! I asked if I could bring Artie, my oxygen, and he said yes. He told me a tour bus would be coming at any moment, and I could go up with their group, or just come back another time. I still wasn't sure, and then the bus came, making Pat busy for several minutes to get them situated for going up. The next thing I knew, he was coming over to me, and he handed me a number: 13. Oh, just my luck!! LOL Soooo, I guess I was doing this then!!<br />
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My hesitation for going up had nothing to do with being scared of being in the sky. I was more worried about motion sickness, which I experienced severely on my first plane ride ever several years ago. I rummaged through my small purse and found a mint, so I thought I could suck on that during the ride since mint can help with queasy tummies. Eventually, I heard my number being called, along with 2 other of the Asian riders from the bus. Time to go up and get our protective earmuffs on! After about another 5 minutes or so of waiting, the helicopter was coming back with the first set of riders. They got off the helicopter, and then it was time for the three of us to go! I was told I was sitting in the front seat with Artie between me and the pilot. Ummmm....ok. I guess. LOL I had a difficult time trying to hoist myself up, but finally did, and then I was being buckled in my seat. And then....LIFT OFF!!! And, well, I'll just let the pics tell the rest of my story of excitement and awe!!!<br />
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<br />Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-77100223867803178862019-08-17T20:23:00.000-04:002019-08-17T20:23:46.774-04:00Survivor's GuiltThe moment I was born, I was a sick baby, even though doctors couldn't figure that out until I was 9 months old. I don't know what it's like to be totally healthy. I spent the first 28 years of my life knowing I had 2 holes in my heart, and pulmonary hypertension (PH), although no one really explained that second half to my parents or myself. Then when my daily symptoms of shortness of breath, and extreme fatigue turned into an elephant sitting on my chest constantly, I was eventually introduced to the PH world. I started seeing doctors at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio who specialized in the disease, plus a cardiologist for adults living with a congenital heart defect. I was eventually started on a PH medication, and that first shipment of medication almost 16 years ago led me to the online world of a PH community. From message boards to chat rooms, I suddenly realized that I WAS NOT ALONE!! The PH world became MY world for so long. I would read messages for hours, replying to many of them, but just learning everything I could about the disease. The chat rooms became so vital to making phriends. For over a 10 year period, I "met" people around the globe who were looking for answers like I was, and looking for people who could possibly understand what they were going through. Don't get my wrong, I love and adore my family and my close friends, but NO ONE GOT ME. No one understood that I had to take breaks just making my bed. No one understood that sweeping a floor could lead to an hour long nap. But these new phriends...well, they got it!! And I made great phriends in those chat rooms, every night, or some afternoons, coming together to discuss not always PH, but other aspects in our lives. And it was so wonderful to not feel so alone!<br />
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I have had 2 wonderful opportunities to meet many of those online phriends at 2 PHA conferences, both of which were so completely overwhelming in a good way! To be able to meet people I'd been talking to for many years in person.....well, it was beyond awesome! Don't get me wrong, I run a local PH support group and I love the people in my group! They've become my in-person phamily. But, these people I'd known for so long in the internet world that I finally got to meet...well, the tears of joy were plenty at both conferences!<br />
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And then, along the way, phriends started dying. And for a long time, it was a devastating blow to me, to lose someone I had never met to a disease we shared. It was frightening to say the least. Why did they die? What were the specifics? Sometimes we just didn't know. Sometimes we would find out and then wish we hadn't. And for several years, it just broke me to learn of a phriend passing away. After meeting many phriends at those conferences, we've lost several of them, and that has broken my heart. I am so thankful I had a chance to meet them, but I am saddened that they are gone. And there is just nothing I can do about it, just grieve in the best way I can.<br />
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Somewhere along the line, Facebook blew up and allowed so many PHers across the world to connect. I have over 900 friends, and the huge majority of them are PH patients, whether I have met them locally, or from other parts of the world, or I've never met them at all. And then there are the Facebook related groups. SO MANY GROUPS. I belong to several of them, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming to follow them on a daily basis (unless I'm moderating one of them!).<br />
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Facebook has allowed me to follow the journeys of the one group of PH patients I feel the closest with: the children living with PH. Some have had congenital heart defects like me, some have had PH for other reasons, and some have PH for no known cause. Some of these little warriors I've followed for many, many years, and I am so thankful their parents are willing to share their journey. Triumphs and heartaches.<br />
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And when a child with PH dies, it absolutely crushes my soul.<br />
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Almost 5 weeks ago, a beautiful 11 year old girl named Riley passed away from this disease, and I was absolutely inconsolable for almost two weeks. I didn't share my feelings with too many people, but quite honestly, when she died, I had the worse survivor's guilt I've ever had. I kept questioning why she had to go. Why is it that I am still here, and she is not? Especially when there are way more treatments when I was a kid, which was nothing at all at that time. Why does her family have to go through the pain of losing her, and I am still here trying to live my best life? I just couldn't make any sense of anything for the first couple weeks, and I felt mostly sad, even though I was not showing it to anyone.<br />
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Two weeks and day after Riley died, I went to visit my Dad at his new "shop." He recently had to move all of his mechanic tools and whatever the heck else he had out of the building he used as a shop, and into a much smaller building, a commercial storage locker, and an old shipping container. I stopped after rehab that Monday to see how he stored everything. The little building looked pretty neat to me, considering he had described it as a disaster zone. Then I told him to show me the storage locker. It held a generator so he could have power in the little building. So exciting. Then I asked to see the shipping container, since why not? I was there. lol He opened that up, and I saw that THAT was a mess. As I looked around at all his stuff, I glanced at the back wall. And then, my heart stopped. Because on the back of that wall of this shipping container that had not been used for who knows how long, and that my dad had acquired, was spray painted the name:<br /><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">RILEY</span></div>
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Even as I am typing this, the tears are welling up. There was absolutely no rhyme or reason for Riley to be on that wall......other than the fact, and I truly believe it, because I believe God answers in ways we just sometimes don't understand, that I needed a sign to realize that Riley is OK. I stood there staring for minutes with tears in my eyes, trying not to cry in front of my Dad, knowing that his mind was more occupied on having lost his old shop. I eventually got my phone out to take a picture of that wall, to remind me of Riley, to know that she is where she is supposed to be, even if we don't want to accept that. I don't know that that sign will comfort me if/when another child with PH passes. I know I will still have that Survivor's Guilt over it for awhile before maybe my soul comes to terms with it. But as sad as I get over my adult phriends pass, it simply does not compare to the loss of a child.<br />
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<br />Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-76073337598865364802019-02-02T23:05:00.001-05:002019-02-02T23:05:16.246-05:0030 Things That Make Me SmileI was looking for some journaling prompts tonight, and came across this one: List 30 Things That Make You Smile. So, here goes....in no particular order of importance:<br />
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<i><b>1. Tulips</b></i></div>
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<i><b>2. Hearing any Janet Jackson song</b></i></div>
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<i><b>3. A baby's laughter</b></i></div>
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<i><b>4. My kitty girl</b></i></div>
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<i><b>5. Getting exercise done</b></i></div>
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<i><b>6. Making a healthy meal</b></i></div>
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<i><b>7. Helping a new phriend in their time of need and sometimes despair</b></i></div>
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<i><b>8. Talking with an elderly person about their life</b></i></div>
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<i><b>9. A conversation with an old friend</b></i></div>
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<i><b>10. Spending an afternoon with my parents</b></i></div>
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<i><b>11. Talking to any of my sistores</b></i></div>
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<i><b>12. Watching a butterfly</b></i></div>
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<i><b>13. Pushing myself to do something out of my comfort zone, and then loving what I did</b></i></div>
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<i><b>14. Looking at old photographs and remembering exactly what was happening in them</b></i></div>
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<i><b>15. Watching a betta fish swim around in it's tank</b></i></div>
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<i><b>16. Smelling a baked good in the oven</b></i></div>
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<i><b>17. Hearing my phone ring</b></i></div>
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<i><b>18. Painting </b></i></div>
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<i><b>19. Opening the windows on a warm day</b></i></div>
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<i><b>20. Waking up to Grace snoring next to me</b></i></div>
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<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
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<i><b>21. Driving with my windows down and the music blaring on a warm summer's day</b></i></div>
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<i><b>22. Reading a heartwarming story on the internet</b></i></div>
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<i><b>23. Looking at glass objects</b></i></div>
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<i><b>24. Dancing like I just don't care</b></i></div>
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<i><b>25. God's little hints to let me know He's listening</b></i></div>
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<i><b>26. Taking a good picture of myself</b></i></div>
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<i><b>27. Planting my flowers on the porch in the spring</b></i></div>
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<i><b>28. Hearing a thunderstorm</b></i></div>
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<i><b>29. Going to a movie by myself</b></i></div>
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<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
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<i><b>30. Watching little kids play</b></i></div>
Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-86580670326385073042019-02-01T23:01:00.000-05:002019-02-01T23:01:17.673-05:00Exercising<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijS_b2BgLgwZO0k_6c_vchzIIkPqPd9KSXOlUuccKZiKp2nZXT6Z_BQ54l8iBQXXFf7cbhISu-qY45AAhssQ3_e3lS14fWi5yjkwc8Fuw5o2l1qo1zmwXjB5jaGkqP0nLXqmWh4Q/s1600/2019-01-31+13.30.16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijS_b2BgLgwZO0k_6c_vchzIIkPqPd9KSXOlUuccKZiKp2nZXT6Z_BQ54l8iBQXXFf7cbhISu-qY45AAhssQ3_e3lS14fWi5yjkwc8Fuw5o2l1qo1zmwXjB5jaGkqP0nLXqmWh4Q/s320/2019-01-31+13.30.16.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Exercise. It was something I was pretty much told to stay away from when I was growing up. Doctors initially couldn't give my parents a direct answer about me taking gym class, so they finally decided that I would do better without it. So, my entire school career, I never took a gym class, and I never participated in sports. Even though I ran around with my sistores and neighborhood friends playing Hide N Seek and Capture The Flag, it would exhaust me, and I'd have to rest for an awfully long time. So, no exercise regimen or sports for me!</div>
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Then, when my PH symptoms got worse, and I eventually was referred to Cleveland Clinic, I was told I'd have to do a 6 minute walk. I had no idea what that really entailed, but I tried to start walking on my sistore's treadmill to "practice," and holy moly, did I feel terrible!! But, I kept trying as much as I could to walk so that maybe I could "pass" this 6 minute walk thing. Unfortunately, when it got time to do the test at the Clinic, I felt like I was gonna die. I had to walk back and forth up and down a hallway for 6 minutes to see how long of a distance I could go. I was allowed to stop if I needed, but the time would not stop. Of course, I am hard headed, and even though I thought I was going to puke at one point, I didn't stop. I didn't really do very well on the walk, either, but it was a baseline that I don't believe I've repeated in all the years I've had to do this walk since. </div>
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After being put on a couple of medications for PH, I asked about starting a pulmonary rehab program at one of my local hospitals. Both my pulmonologists approved it for me, and I started going twice a week. It has been 10 years since (well, a bit over that now), and oh my, has it made a huge difference in my life! I am not running marathons....nor am I even running lol....or doing anything crazy. But, the consistency of exercising all this time is a part of what I believe is keeping me stable. </div>
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Since only go to rehab twice a week, I have tried to exercise at home. That doesn't always go so well. Oh, it might start off ok at first. I might get into a little routine for awhile, but then something happens, and before I know it, my treadmill, bike and weights haven't been used in weeks or months. At the end of last year in October, I started forcing myself to just ride my bike after dinner (stationary bike, not sure if I could handle a real one again!) every night, and suddenly it was the end of the month, and I had been riding almost every night! Sometimes, it was on top of whatever I did at rehab in the morning. Unfortunately, the bike seat was causing problems, and so was my consistency. I ended up having to stop biking for at least a couple weeks because I think I pulled a muscle somehow in my chest. It was extremely uncomfortable! My bike seat was also very uncomfortable, so I had to address that. Anyway, my excitement from getting into an extra exercising routine got lost when I had to take a break. It was a bummer!</div>
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Then around the holidays, after I got a new bike seat cover, and I had rest from over-doing it, I started trying to exercise a bit more. But, besides rehab, I wasn't limiting myself to just bike rides. And, if I did decide to just bike, it wasn't for long periods of time. I started exercising a bit more consistently, at least a few times a week instead of just two. And, I wasn't killing myself from it! I also started doing stretching a lot more, which is also very important. So, I got back into a much better routine, and last month, January, I exercised every single day except for the 1st! I am so proud of myself!!</div>
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Can I keep this up? I mean, yes, I would like to, but I am going to be real with myself and know that anything might make me stop this sudden routine. I did not exercise today because I just felt so exhausted, and I have felt so guilty about it while at the same time trying to practice kindness to myself in realizing that I am allowed to take a day off!! I need to listen to my body! Maybe I will just take the first day of the month off, if I am trying to keep this up! Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope I won't be as tired, so that I can do some sort of exercising....and see what February will look like at the end! </div>
Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-23094389636230353532019-01-19T23:00:00.000-05:002019-01-19T23:00:24.439-05:00A Sign<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The other day I was in Hobby Lobby for some clear Elmer's glue for a project I'm doing next week with the seniors at the nursing home. Since the glue was almost near the back of the store, I took my time wandering up to the front to cash out, and stopped at a display of signs. The one below really spoke to me, and so I decided that I had to have it:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSINHalzvRfS0u55yqrwJ-EJlg7Mp8d_310ND9xoah-7SM-vjjGYL-AKEXFKoCS5sNEVv_vwJhnJ_M06rNFOM0ro6qhylB8C73sOc4I8_YxGpcmXiZzjWnMijew2RuVtV8bt3rQ/s1600/2019-01-17+17.35.18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSINHalzvRfS0u55yqrwJ-EJlg7Mp8d_310ND9xoah-7SM-vjjGYL-AKEXFKoCS5sNEVv_vwJhnJ_M06rNFOM0ro6qhylB8C73sOc4I8_YxGpcmXiZzjWnMijew2RuVtV8bt3rQ/s320/2019-01-17+17.35.18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Ever since I had to quit working at the ripe old age of 24, I have spent the almost last 20 years occasionally wondering what my purpose was supposed to be if I couldn't work. Sometimes I had such terrible guilt about not going to a job every day, and sometimes I felt judged by it. But, there has never been anyone in my life who has outright made comments to me about not working. And, to be honest, the only person really judging me is.....me. It hasn't been until the last several months that I have actually been OKAY with not working. Why did it take so long?? I guess maybe because I found some answers along the way about trying to get a job, even part time, would not be to my benefit. And besides, it's not like I'm not busy! I run a support group, I learned how to make jewelry and paint things, I've been a helpful daughter, sister and friend, I've been volunteering, I've been exercising. And when I am really not feeling that great, I've been able to rest. </div>
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So, as I stood in the store and read this phrase, I came to see that God had a plan for me all along, before I was even born. Sure, I don't love the fact that I have a chronic illness that keeps me from living a normal life, but what exactly IS a normal life? Just because I am not working doesn't mean that I am not living the life that God had already set apart for me! And, perhaps reading this sign every once in awhile will help bring me out of doubts if I have them again that I am not doing what I was meant to be doing. I am following the path that God has known about all along. </div>
<br />Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19009654.post-62273847620791398262019-01-15T22:25:00.000-05:002019-01-15T22:25:54.452-05:00Dusting Off The CobwebsIt's been, once again, forever since I last wrote in this blog. I have always done that with any diary/journal/blog I've had since I was little and had my Cabbage Patch Diary (which is still in my drawer!). Sometimes, I am just not inspired to write. Sometimes, I feel like my writing is boring. I think I need to change that. I was thinking of finding some sort of article or challenge of writing almost every day on different topics. I'll have to do some research. But, tonight, I at least wanted to brush off the proverbial cobwebs of my site, to get some words out there in the internet. And, I wanted to also put it in "writing."<br />
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I've been happy lately, and that speaks volumes to me. <3 p=""></3>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619732913623023461noreply@blogger.com0