Daily Ponderings

It's the last day of March, and I can't express how much I am relieved of that fact. In the beginning of the month, I actually started not to mind March, a month I usually just don't like because it really makes winter seem to drag on forever. My prayers were being answered for my phriends who needed new lungs, the weather has been actually pretty decent in the longest time I can remember for March, and I just felt happy. Then March 16th came around. I started out that day on such a high. I couldn't believe Euan was getting his heart, I couldn't believe that another prayer had been answered. Hopes and dreams for the future with him were right there, it was an unbelievable feeling. I felt like I was in the clouds. I waited anxiously all day for news about how his surgery was going. Mid-afternoon was when I read about the complication. I don't think it really hit me at first how serious it really was. After dinner, I didn't to back to find out what happened un...

Sixteen years ago today, my Grandpa S. passed away after being in the hospital for almost a month. It was the first major loss I'd ever experienced, and it was pretty bad. I was a freshman in college at the time, in my second semester. It took many years before I didn't cry anymore when this day came around. I still remember it, but it doesn't hurt. Grandpa would be well into his 100s if he was still alive, and I know for sure he would not be a happy camper if he were. In the last 16 years, I've never really dealt with losing someone very close since then. Until now. In the past year I've lost 2 people I loved very much. Mason's death was very hard to take, even though he seemed to know he wouldn't be around that much longer by the time he had died. I was just getting to the point of being "ok" with it when all of a sudden, Euan died. It wasn't expected, I don't even think the surgeons expected him to pass. I'm not sure the hurt I feel...

A week ago I found out Euan had finally gotten his call for a transplant. I began to bawl, not just because he was finally getting his chance, but because I couldn't believe how amazing and awesome God was. I had been praying so hard for 6 people in the past several months to get their 2nd chance at life through the miracle of organ donation. On March 1st, I was down to 4. I had asked God if it was possible, would those 4 people be able to get their chance during this month. March 2nd, my phriend Vickie, got her call. A week later, Rachy in the UK got her call. So when last Tuesday came around, and Euan got his call, I was in awe at the fact that God was answering my prayers. Well, it wasn't just MY prayers that helped. So many people had been praying for them all. It was just the fact that they were actually being answered that made me unable to explain my feelings on how unbelievable that was. Then Euan died. And since then, I feel so disconnected to God, and my faith has bee...

I spent the weekend keeping very busy, trying not to think about Euan being gone, but it only worked very minimally. I met my phriend, Cindy from Toronto, and her family on Friday at Olive Garden. It was a nice time, and I told her about Euan and what happened. We had a good lunch, and then went shopping at Burlington Coat Factory. Her one daughter entertained us by trying on silly hats. She got me to smile. It was a nice time. I cried on the way home. I went out for dinner with my parents Friday night at the Polish Nook, for a fish fry. We went to Walgreen's and Tops after that, and I was completely exhausted by the time I went to bed. Saturday I went to the Outlet Mall with Joanie. She needed to exchange some stuff at Bath & Body, and then we went to Old Navy. I hadn't planned on getting anything, but I found 2 skirts I liked, tried them on, changed sizes and bought them. Thank goodness for Joanie's 30% off family and friends discount. I only paid $16 for the skirts. ...

About 6 years ago in February 2004, I was a member of Match.com. Well, not a paying member. I signed up just to see who was out there, and if any connections could be made. One day, I got a nice message from a handsome young man, and he seemed intriguing. He had said that he also dealt with heart issues (I clearly stated that I had PH in my profile. Why not, better just to be out with it in the beginning than being crapped on later). I took a look at his profile, and thought I'd like to get to know him. The only way I could reply to him, though, was by paying for a membership. Argh. I didn't really want to do that, but something told me it would be worth signing up. And besides, I could do a 3-day free trial! So, I signed up, was able to write him back, and cancelled my membership 3 days later. And that was the beginning of my wonderful friendship with a man named Euan. Euan and I shared so many things in common. We both understood what it was like growing up feeling different,...

Last night we had to spring forward an hour because Daylight Savings Time ended. Or started. I can never remember which. Either way, I think when we lose that hour of sleep, it's the worst. I went to bed early last night to try to prepare myself for that lost hour, but it didn't matter. I woke up at 7:50 (when it was really 6:50 the day before), took my Revatio, and proceeded to cough continuously for at least 45 minutes. Just when I thought I wasn't going to get any more sleep, I found myself waking up at 11 (when it would've been 10). It doesn't help that the sun is nowhere to be seen again, and it's another blah day. I've decided today would be a pajama day, something I rarely do anymore. I figured since the day is so messed up anyhow (all my morning meds have been totally screwed up with the time change!), why bother getting dressed? I am a bit bummed by this cough that I have because I wanted to go to Mandy's today to watch Cloudy With a Chance of M...

I woke up this morning without the sun coming up in my eyes. I usually wake up around 7am to take Revatio, and for the past 5 days at least, I would wake up to the sun starting to peek up into the horizon. I'd lay back down after swallowing the pill, and put my face onto the part of the pillow where a sunbeam was relaxing. It felt good, and I'd drift back off to slumber until I'd wake up again a couple hours later to the sun shining entirely into my bedroom. It would bring promises of a good day. Not today!! It's so dreary here, and the sun won't be showing up at all. No wonder I feel so sleepy. Although, considering all I've done this week, I think the sun is only a part of the reason I'm fatigued. Tuesday seemed to be "where'd this energy come from?" day. I purposely didn't go to rehab because I knew I wanted to change the bedding and do some laundry. After the crappy Monday I had, I was really surprised I could even do as much as I did. ...

An unexpected surprise today reminded me that God has blessed me with not only wonderful family, friends, and phriends, but a few angels as well. Thank you to the one who showed me great kindness and generosity. Just the thought of your gesture means more to me than anything else.

I broke my camera about 2 weeks ago, after dropping it onto the floor while taking pictures of flowers. I was soooooooo irritated with myself!!! Since I use my camera to take pics of things all the time, especially my jewelry, I looked online for a new one, and found a pink Kodak on sale at a price I didn't want to pay but could afford (since I took it out of my tv fund). I got it on Thursday, only to find I needed a memory card as well. I ended up buying the one Joan got for Christmas, so now I can take almost 4,000 pics, or 80 minutes of video!! Holy moly! So I played with the video feature a little bit tonight, and taped my little man! Isn't he just cute??? I know, I'm biased. LOL

I wanted to get so much done today. Laundry needs to be washed, the bedding needs to be changed, I have some jewelry to make for later this week. My bathroom could be cleaned, too. I was hoping to get at least 3 things finished today since my week is pretty busy. But, noooooooo. I usually wake up at 7am to take my Revatio, and then go back to sleep for a couple more hours. Today, I wake up to a large vision of stars surrounding my right eye. Damn it!! Migraine coming!! I took my Revatio and climbed back into bed, only to get out again 5 minutes later to find some Excedrin Migraine. I hate taking my meds together like that, but if I waited to take Excedrin later, I knew my day would be a complete loss. Every time I've gotten a migraine lately, I have been able to avoid the bad headache if I take Excedrin almost immediately after seeing the aura. However, I feel like crap because I'm exhausted and feel shaky, even though I didn't get the headache. Migraines suck. I guess ...

Yesterday I was gone from around 10:30 in the morning til after 4pm. Mandy and I had done a women's craft show in Kenmore for a few hours. It was ok, I only sold a couple things. We did it because it was only $10 for a table, so why not??  After we left, we stopped at Michael's Craft store for a bit, and I bought some spacers to use for more PH bracelets. I was so tired when I got home, but didn't lay down, and by 8pm I was sooooo ready to go to bed. But I can't take my PH meds that early, so I toughed it out until 11pm, and ended up getting to bed by midnight. I don't remember saying my prayers, I think I just fell asleep immediately! Today has been declared a lazy Sunday. I got out of bed around 11am, I got dressed late, and I had a very late breakfast. I was thinking about doing laundry and changing my bedding, but I'm just so exhausted. So, to heck with it, I will do it tomorrow! I have chatted with two phriends so far today, my cute little Canadian phrien...

Racheal started coming to the PH message boards and chat room a few years ago, newly diagnosed and scared as to what was next. She was going to be put on Flolan, and had so many questions. Her husband, Shannon, often came with her to chat in the beginning, and I think it was a comfort to them both to have so many people willing to offer help and suggestions as they began this tough journey of ups and downs with living with PH. Over the next few years, Rach offered help to any newbie who came into the room or posted on the board. Many times, I know she gave her phone number and said she'd love to talk to the new person who had so many questions like she did when she started out. She'd give her number to anyone, really. She was an incredibly kind soul, someone who wanted to help anyone at any given time. She never seemed to have too many complaints, and when she did, she sort of minimized them because she felt someone else was in more need than she was. Everyone just loved her sp...

March is here, and although I usually really hate this month, it hasn't been too bad so far. Of course, it's only the 3rd! The sun has been peeking out a bit, and we're starting to get a little warmer. It's funny to think that 35 degrees is a heatwave, but when the temps have been in the 20s and lower for the winter, mid-30s just sounds divine. Today I had plans to have lunch with my sister, Joan, and I also decided to take out a little extra cash to buy some shirts on sale at Targét. I picked Joan up so we could eat at Tim Horton's, which was nice. I showed her some of the wire-wrapped rings I've been trying to make, and she took one. She didn't think it was too bad, so I said well alright! I dropped Joan off and went to Targét. I debated on whether I wanted a shopping cart, but decided to pass. I started wandering around the women's clothing department, found some of the tshirts on sale, and picked out a couple. I browsed through everything that was ...

I decided in January that I am supposed to buy myself something small every month as a treat. I can't really afford getting a manicure or pedicure every month, and getting my hair done all the time is just over my budget. So, I've decided on flowers. Aldi's has flowers that are so beautiful and yet so affordable. Who can go wrong spending $3.99 on a bouquet of flowers, or a half dozen roses?? Not only are they so pretty, and they liven up the kitchen, but they also last awhile! I've had my flowers for almost a week and there isn't any sign they are dying yet. Hopefully I'll keep this up for myself! I deserve a little treat, because anything I usually buy myself monthly has to do with household and personal needs. That's just fun stuff!!

I have so many things I'm trying to save up for, and so little funds, that every time I do get a tiny bit of extra cash, I have a hard time deciding which "fund" to put it in. There's the pulmonary rehab fund, which has been deemed the most important one. I will need to start dipping into that fund by November, so I'm trying to add most of my money there. I also have a TV fund. It's not a huge necessity, but it might be if the little fuzzies and sometimes white lines get any worse within the next year or so. I've had my tv since I moved here 11 years ago, and it would be nice to get a new one, but that fund is going to take awhile to grow. I'm also trying to save up for contacts and a new pair of glasses by the fall. I refuse to spend a fortune on glasses because the most I wear mine now is maybe 15 minutes a week if I'm lucky. But the prescription in them is so old that I can't wear them during the day unless I feel like puking every 3 seconds...

I've spent this week feeling rather cruddy. Monday I was fine, and Tuesday morning before rehab I felt ok. But after getting off the elevator at the hospital to get to the rehab gym, and still feeling like I was on it for the rest of the day, the remainder of my week didn't go so well. In fact, I felt dizzy and nauseous for most of the week. I could be up for awhile, but then I'd have to go lay down and hope that later when I got back up, I'd feel a bit more decent. Thursday was especially bad. I decided not go to to rehab, and tried to walk on my treadmill. I didn't last too long, and then I tried to vacuum. I got it done, but it took awhile. I felt a few times that I might pass out, and glad that I never did. While I felt all this for several days, I knew the reason why. At least, I was pretty sure. That time of the month is never a fun ride, but this time it just made me wonder if that was completely the reason for my crappy days, or if I was getting pulmonary hy...

My aunt, uncle, and 2 cousins came up today so that my uncle could play in a poker tournament at the casino. I wanted to know what they were doing for dinner, and they said they were going to meet my uncle at the casino for dinner at the buffet. It's been several years since I've been inside the casino, so I wanted to go, too. While I had fun at dinner, and the food was extremely good, the worst thing was the smoke in the entire building. It was disgusting! The casino is run by the Seneca Indians, and the land is considered theirs. So, being they it's Indian property, they do not have to follow NY state No Smoking laws in restaurants and public places. It's so disheartening to know that I'll probably never go there again because my lungs just couldn't tolerate it. I also can't believe that smoke didn't bother me that much way back in the day when I used to frequent the local bars every weekend. Being that I've been on oxygen for almost 10 years, my l...

It's been so long since I've done a puzzle. I did many of them years ago when I changed my computer room into an ocean-themed sanctuary for myself. Five of the pictures hanging on the walls are actually puzzles! I find putting them together to be relaxing. So before the holidays, as I was shopping in Ollie's, a discount store that carries items that might never be seen again, I found a Christian Lassen 3D spherical puzzle. It was only $6, so I got it! I hadn't had much time to put it together until now, and it was fun to do! I guess I spent maybe a week working on it. There were two ways of putting it together. One was the traditional way of doing a puzzle, using the images on the pieces. The other way was by using the numbers on the back of each piece, which was supposed to be the "easy way out," but I did it that way, and it was still rather difficult! Ever the Virgo, I sorted pieces by numbers: 1-99, then the 100s, 200s, etc. There were 540 pieces to the pu...

We're dealing with super low temps this weekend. It's 11 degrees with a 1 degree windchill right now. The sun is shining bright as can be, but it sure isn't doing anything to heat us up! I'll be in for the weekend, but that's ok. I got my periwinkle beads that I ordered, and I've been working on bracelets. I want to make as many as I can with the beads I have before I post them anywhere. I've gotten many requests for pics and prices, but I need to see how much I can make first. I made a bracelet sale last night from a phriend in CA. Thank you, Imelda!! She bought 3 bracelets actually, and I sure hope she likes them when she gets them! My first sale of 2010! Whoo hoo!! :) I better get to working now before I decide to take a nap!!

In the past couple weeks, I have been having recurring dreams about fire. I wish they were cozy campfire dreams, or sitting by the fireplace romantic sort of dreams. Unfortunately, these dreams about fire have to do with a house fire, and trying to escape from it. I have even tried to come up with a plan of how to get Mittens out of here with me if my place were ever up in flames. It's caused quite panicky dreams, and I've often woke up feeling like I've lost something. It really makes me happy when I open my bedroom door to that huge ball of fur waiting for me to serve him breakfast. I know there has to be significance to why I'm dreaming about fire. Usually your dreams aren't literal, there is something else they represent in your life. So when I googled "dreams about fire," I found several interesting interpretations. One site said that dreaming of a fire burning down a house can mean one is consumed by passions. Another site also suggested a fire drea...