Daily Ponderings

So, after reading a couple comments left on my last post, and some of Facebook, I was very open and honest with A. after we watched the Bill sadly lose their game today (UGH, such high hopes crushed in the 2nd half lol). I could tell he was a little alarmed as I was telling him how I was feeling, but I made sure he knew it wasn't anything he was doing. I told him the things I enjoyed about him, and that some things I'm still trying to get used to since I hadn't had that in my previous relationship, and that yes, there was a part of me holding back a little. I told him it might take some time, but doesn't building a relationship take time anyway?? See, these are things I need to constantly tell myself! lol I also told him if I feel I need to distance myself, to realize that it's not him, it's me and that I need to just take a breath and gather my thoughts. I also told him hugs were greatly appreciated. We certainly did that tonight, and I do feel a bit better tha...

Tonight during meditation class, we had to focus on certain things, and I kind of wandered off topic in my head to make myself make sense of my current life. Although I am busy, going out almost every day, I still think I am not doing anything with my life. And yet, it's so untrue. So I looked back at what my life was like before K, and even while going out with him. I exercised, sometimes worked on jewelry, did housework when needed, and spent a huge amount of often wasted time on the internet. While dating K, I did much of the same, except I often waited to see what/when/where I could spend time with him.  I often found myself getting to the weekend and leaving it wide open to see what we'd do, instead of making plans with other people, or actually just spending time doing something on my own. Tonight I realized that during the time I went out with K, I spent so much of my time doing minute things, and the rest of the time was spent waiting to see what I'd do with a man w...

Today was a decent day. Today I did my best, and I am proud of myself. I made a necklace set for a phriend who asked for a certain color before I went to volunteer at the nursing home. I took a couple pictures of it so I could send it to her through Facebook, and later on, she told me she loved it. Yay! Whenever I get her check, I will send it out to her! I'm glad she asked me to make it. I love it when people have requests. I got another request this morning from another phriend, for a shot glass. I will have to work on that this weekend! Volunteering was good today. I did a room visit with one of the ladies that works in the Activities Room, and then went back to Activities. A resident, Jimmy, was there. Usually he is waiting for me to play a game with him. So I asked about Blackjack. We played that for about an hour before he went back to his room. There were a bunch of other residents in the room after awhile, and I helped some of them do puzzles and play a game. Just chattin...

I have been having an incredibly hard time with anxiety and depression for over a year now. Well, it really started with anxiety. I had a several long spells of anxiety that I didn't recognize as such until many months later. The first time was in August 2014 after my friend's wedding, when I somehow hurt my neck. I was trying to get it better so that I could go on a week long vacation with K. to North Carolina. But during that time, I wasn't sleeping well at night, and it never got better, even on vacation. I would wake up after being so exhausted within a few hours, and then couldn't get back to sleep. This went on for over a week, and after we got home, it kinda went away eventually. I was so relieved! And then it happened again when K. and I went to Cleveland for my appts a week after coming back from North Carolina. It didn't seem to last as long. I still didn't recognize that I was having anxiety. I thought it was just bad sleeping issues, and just feeling...