Enlightenment

Tonight during meditation class, we had to focus on certain things, and I kind of wandered off topic in my head to make myself make sense of my current life. Although I am busy, going out almost every day, I still think I am not doing anything with my life. And yet, it's so untrue. So I looked back at what my life was like before K, and even while going out with him. I exercised, sometimes worked on jewelry, did housework when needed, and spent a huge amount of often wasted time on the internet. While dating K, I did much of the same, except I often waited to see what/when/where I could spend time with him.  I often found myself getting to the weekend and leaving it wide open to see what we'd do, instead of making plans with other people, or actually just spending time doing something on my own. Tonight I realized that during the time I went out with K, I spent so much of my time doing minute things, and the rest of the time was spent waiting to see what I'd do with a man who couldn't love me, just wanted to have someone to hang out with.

So, I thought about the year I've had since I ended the relationship. It's been an incredibly difficult year. BUT, in that year, no matter how I felt, I managed to get back into jewelry, and do some painting. I got my Etsy store back up and running (I wish I'd sell something, but that's beside the point lol).

I searched out places to volunteer, and found Elderwood. And I love being there. I love the people I work with, and I love the little old people who enjoy having me there and who like to share their stories, even if I've heard them a million times already. I've been asked to help with a couple outings lately, which means to me, that I'm a valued volunteer, and I'm appreciated! I'm so glad that I have this in my life right now!

I still exercise at rehab, but I have also found yoga. I never realized how much walking into that door in January would help me, even if it took a couple months to go back to it. I have found meditation and restorative yoga to be so helpful to me, and I love that I can go to a more active yoga class on Friday mornings. The studio and the people I've met there have been wonderful and understanding, and I really am so glad that I took a step and started a new path to help me recover. It's enriched my life!

Adding Grace to my life has been a good thing for me, too. I have a new little being to take care of, and to laugh about, since she is still young and does goofy things. I know that caused anxiety for me, but I'm so happy I have her now, and decided to just go for it!

I am looking forward to the warmer weather (it's kinda here now) so that I can plant flowers this summer since I didn't do it last, and I can hopefully grow more tomato plants than I did last year. I can't wait to walk near the water again, and to watch the kids' baseball games. I hope to have opportunities to explore areas I haven't been yet, maybe do something new in downtown Buffalo. The warmer weather opens up some more doors for me, and I look forward to that!

I am glad that this "enlightenment" during meditation tonight happened. I've been so down on myself about my life, which is causing my anxiety. I am SO PROUD of how I have done so much to try to build myself back up after last year. And I know I still have more work to do, but to finally realize that I have made my life much better in a year, well, that makes me happy! I need to stop having doubts that I'm not doing anything, because that is just so not true. I'm doing an awful lot, and the only person who is scrutinizing me for it is ME!! There is no reason to be hard on myself, I've accomplished so much!!

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