Daily Ponderings

Yesterday I knew the box I sent out was supposed to be getting to my ex-friend. I kept checking the delivery confirmation number, and yes, it was at the post office. Since I knew T. had a P.O. box, I knew that she would get a ticket or something in her box saying she had a package. And since I knew T. so well, I knew that she would be working so late on a Friday night that she would most likely get the notice this weekend. I've checked 3 times today to see if she picked up the box. A few minutes ago, it showed that she did. Why am I so nervous about it? I know I shouldn't care since she didn't obviously care about how she ended the friendship. I think I'm worried about retaliation somehow. I've already told myself I won't open and read an email from her, and I haven't deleted her number from my phone yet because if she calls, then I know I won't answer it. I'm thankful that she is states away from me, but the thought crossed my mind at one point tha...

Today is my birthday. Well, there is less than an hour left of it, but it's been a good day. I have lived 12,784 days, which in the grand scheme of things, seems like nothing. But I've been blessed with every single one of those days. I have lived those days with a life threatening disease, and I have lived a huge majority of those days with no treatment for that disease at all. Just a wing and a prayer. Many prayers. I continue to thank God for every day He allows me to have. I hope and pray that I may live 12,784 more days, and maybe even more.

Today would have been Euan's 38th birthday. I wish he could've still been here to celebrate his special day, with a new heart, a new chance at a healthier life. Tomorrow he will have been gone 6 months. The past several weeks have been a bit difficult to get through, because I've been thinking about him so much lately, and how much I miss him. I miss our long chats online. I miss the books we used to write to each other in email. I miss our webcam chats, seeing each other and waving hello or goodbye. Today I remembered everything, and wished Euan a happy day up there in heaven, where I know he's been enjoying himself. I know that I'll see him once again some day, and I can't wait for that day. But for now, what I can do in the meantime is keep his memory alive. He was a kind and passionate man, a funny man, a man who had a heart of gold. And he'll always live that way forever.

Today I sent out a 24 pound box full of "gifts" T. had given me over the years. That's as much as Mittens weighs. I'm not sure what T. will do with it. She might be shocked, she might not even open it, she might even send it back. Whatever happens, it's done. I've been praying for her because there is obviously something wrong with her for her to choose to end a friendship the way she did. No harsh thoughts. It's just The End.

Anger set in today, and I allowed it. It's ok to be angry. I vented so much today to several different friends. I vented to my 2 of my sistores. I vented to Mittens. I went around the apartment and gathered stuff that T. had given to me over the years and put them in a pile. I am debating whether or not to send them back. A huge part of me wants to, because I am so ticked off that she considered me a gold digger. I want to write to her and just tell her I feel sorry for her, and that if she thought I was just in a friendship for gifts, she never knew me at all. I'd tell her to have a good life and I hope she'd find whatever it is she is so desparately searching for. A very small part of me wants to just put the items back, or even throw some of them out. I don't know what I'll do yet. All I know is, today I allowed myself to be angry. Tomorrow I need to start forgetting.

The summer after my high school graduation, I had an interview at the financial aid office of the college I had decided to attend. It was for work study, which I was eligible for to get tuition help. During the interview, I remember I was asked whether I would like to work in the library or in the financial aid office. I had no idea what choice to make, so I said I'd work in financial aid. I worked there all 4 years of college, only taking off one semester when I had to do my student teaching. I loved working there, and I still continue to visit once in awhile because we all had become close. I met T. there during those years, and we became fast friends. We'd chat for so long when we were supposed to be working, but we were also friends outside of work. She was so funny, cracking me up all the time, and we shared so many stories about so many things. We continued to keep in touch for years, even after she moved away, which was a very long time ago. We would always get together,...

Today was the unofficial last day of summer. Labor Day is usually the last hoorah to the warm weather, even though some hot days still might show up here and there. Summer isn't technically over yet, but it might as well be. Labor Day seems to usher the fall season in, at least around here. We've already had some chilly days, in the low to mid-60s, and although many people are so happy about it, I'm sad. This is the start of "freeze-my-butt-off" season. I'm dreading the cold. Yesterday I actually got a few things done around here. I washed my dishes, swept the kitchen floor, and swiffered the hardwood. The biggest problem of the day was the kitchen sink backing up, and not being able to use it for a few days. It's interesting washing dishes in the bathroom sink. Today was a nothing day. I had wanted to work on the necklace that's been sitting on the bead tray in my jewelry room for a few weeks, but I didn't do it until after 8 tonight. At least it...

This morning I got ready to go to my friend's bridal shower, because I was actually somewhat feeling up to going. And then I started seeing stars. Damn it, a migraine was starting, which meant that I wasn't going anywhere. The drastic change in weather (a day ago it was near 90, today it barely got past 70 and it's now mid-50s) was the cause, and I was so disappointed. I texted my friend to let her know I wasn't coming, but it was no comfort to me. I spent the day sleeping and resting. I made dinner and was hoping that I could at least go to my sister's house to celebrate my BIL's birthday with cake and ice cream. I fell asleep on the couch after eating. I guess today was a bust after all.

The other day, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't totally know, but whose name I'd heard because she's been dating a guy I went to high school with. I thought, sure, why not? I added her, and the next day she sent me a message asking how I was. She also said that another person we both know had told her I make jewelry, and she was wondering if I'd be able to make bracelets for her jewelry party since she and the high school guy are engaged and will be married in March. Aha! That's why she added me! Well, of course I said yes! I'm just excited that I'm doing jewelry for a wedding again! This is the 6th time I've been asked, and I just love making wedding jewelry since it usually involves very sparkly and shiny beads!! I'm waiting to see what color(s) is needed for this wedding, and then I can go from there in planning what kind of beads I can suggest. Yay!!

It's hard to tell if my ear is getting better. The achiness is there, but it's not even near excrutiating. I think it's mostly bothersome. My sinuses are still draining, maybe more so now that I have the stronger antibiotic. I think that's a good sign. My head this morning just hurt before I even got up. The frustration of it all is wearing me thin. I did take an Excedrin around noon, and the headache and my ear are, for the moment, at peace. While this is good news, the fact that I don't have energy for much is not. I skipped rehab again today. I still need to go shopping for stuff, and yet that task is daunting. So, I haven't tried going. And my guilty conscience is eating at me. Saturday morning is my best friend's bridal shower. I don't have anything for her, but I don't even think I can make it. I know she would say it's ok. But deep down, it's not ok with me. And yet, I have to just shrug it off somehow. Saturday is also my BIL's bi...

After the yard sale we had this weekend, we stored the leftover stuff in my garage until it could be brought to Community Missions to be donated. So, I had to park my car on the street, and then I parked it right in front of the garage in the driveway. It's been so long since I've had my car parked outside the garage overnight. I used to leave it out all the time and hardly use the garage, but that was years ago when I first moved here. I had one incident where the back window of my car was smashed, either accidentally or on purpose, and since then, I've been parking in the garage. This morning I woke up around 7am-ish to take my Revatio and my amoxicillin. I got out of bed, squinted my eyes to look out near the garage (it's such a habit, I do it constantly), and my heart started racing. Omg, where was my car???? I squinted even harder, as if my very bad eyes would suddenly make a red car appear, and nothing. I swallowed my pills and tried to remember if I actually put ...

As much as I wanted to go to rehab today, I finally decided not to since my ear was bothering me and I thought the A/C in the gym would really make it worse. I spent the day doing little things for my upcoming PH support group meeting in October, hosting PH chat for a little while, and making several attempts at trying to take a nap. Every time I tried, something would come up. The phone would ring, the doorbell rang, I'd just get to sleep and the phone would ring again. It wasn't until after dinner that I finally dozed for a little bit on the couch. After debating back and forth for 20 minutes this afternoon, I finally decided to just call my doctor's office and tell them I didn't think my ear was 100% better, and that the antibiotic I've been on was going to be done tomorrow. I got the triage nurse, and when she answered, I could tell by her voice that it was my doctor's nurse. Yay!! After I mentioned my name, J. asked me right away if my ear was any better b/...

We had a yard sale this past weekend, and my niece and nephew were here for awhile on Friday morning. Trying to find things for them to do is good to a point. My niece, H, is 5 and can pay attention to things longer than my nephew, S, who is 3. At one point, H was given a pad of paper and some crayons, so she started drawing. Here she drew a picture of me, and when she was done she said she wanted to put it on my fridge. I asked her where Mittens was in my picture. She proclaimed that she didn't know how to draw a cat. And so I told her to just draw a big circle for the body, and a smaller circle for the head, and some triangles for the ears, and a long tail. She asked if Mittens was all orange, and I said yes, except for his tummy, where he has white fur. I'd say she did a pretty darn good job drawing Mittens. I swear it's drawn to scale. LOL! This picture is currently hanging on my fridge, but I do think I want to get a frame for it. It's one of my favorites from H, a...

I was having such a good summer, mostly feeling well enough to do things and go places with family and friends. I was doing so well with rehab, proud that I could go up a bit with walking and loving all my muscles and such. lol The heat of the summer was something I enjoyed so much, despite the fact that many people didn't like it (I can't help it, I freeze so much in the winter that I look so forward to the summer temps!). I didn't expect things to slam to a halt and push me backwards so quickly like it did when I got sick with a cold and ear infection. I've had colds before, but they have not been as frequent as they were 10 years ago when I was around germy children and adults every day while teaching. In fact, the last time I got sick was in January, and the time before that was the spring months prior. It just seems when I do get a cold, it takes so much longer to recover fully than it did the last time, and that's a little scary. My cold now is pretty much gon...

Three years ago today was the last time I saw Euan in person. Actually, it was only the second time I had ever seen him. His parents dropped him off here and left to enjoy dinner in a restaurant a few blocks away, so Euan and I could spend some quality time together. This was shortly after we had realized we had feelings for each other, and he felt well enough to hang out for a little while. It was such a wonderful evening, talking and laughing, sharing stories, kidding around. Even the kiss we shared was so beautiful, until discovering afterward that it had started his heart beating so fast that it wouldn't slow down. Although that was definitely not funny at the time, Euan and I both laughed at it long afterward, and as recently as February when we talked about that night. It was an evening we had both hoped to share again one day, and again and again....but it will just never be. I thought about Euan most of the day today, but I really got a smile (and some tears) when I saw 2 s...

The last several days have not been easy. I have felt so crappy, but the worst part of it has been the excruciating pain of an ear infection. I've had tons of ear infections over the years. In fact, every time I get sick, I usually have one. My right ear has always been the target for the infections. I had tubes twice in my right ear as a kid, and I just recently had one put in this summer since it wasn't draining for a long time, there was lots of fluid behind my eardrum, and I couldn't hear well. I was really hoping that because of the new tube, I wouldn't be prone to ear infections if I got sick again, but well, I was wrong. So anyway, Monday morning I made a call to my doctor, told them how I was feeling, and was able to get an appt at 4pm with the nurse practitioner. I waited patiently all afternoon for that appt, and didn't take anything for the pain since Tylenol Arthritis just wasn't helping much. My mom brought me to my appt, I saw the NP, and she gave ...

I'm sick. It isn't pleasant having PH and dealing with your average cold. It's even worse when it's summer. I think all the lack of naps and the busy days last week finally caught up with me. Last night, I felt sniffly, and although my throat wasn't sore, it felt odd. I drank tea with honey and sniffed a bottle of Vicks occasionally throughout the night (not the best idea, at one point I stuck my little finger in the bottle, and the gross slimy feel of the stuff woke me up long enough to grab a kleenex, wipe my finger off, cap the bottle and drift back to sleep). I woke up not feeling much better, but at least I finally had a morning to sleep in. Most of the day, I did nothing. I took Mucinex, not the green one, but the blue one. PHers need to make sure they don't take a decongestant because it isn't good for us. That totally sucks, let me tell you. I took decongestants growing up, and they really helped me when I was sick. Now, sadly, I pretty much have to...

It's amazing how tiring it is to lose a few days worth of naps. All I feel like doing in the past couple days is sleeping! It's a real pain in the butt to have some good days PH-wise, and overdoing it on those days, and then losing a few days to recovery. And yet, do I learn from it? It seems like I never do. Does anyone dealing with a chronic illness learn?? We all take our good days for granted, as if they are a golden opportunity to do all the things we can't do on a bad day. We may clean, or go shopping, or go out to eat with family and/or friends. We may get things done that we didn't have the energy for before. We may try cramming all of those things into one day, because, that the heck, we are feeling pretty darn good today and nothing is impossible! Good day ends, and wham! The next day feels as if we hit a brick wall. Nothing is happening that day, for we completely overdid it, yet again, on our good day. It's a vicious cycle, and I am guilty over and over ...

It's been a long and rather eventful several days, and I'm getting worn out a lot lately. I think I need to get more rest than I have been getting! Last weekend I traveled to my Grandma's in Horseheads, NY, with my mom, Mandy and the kids. It was a brief trip. We left Saturday morning, got there in the early afternoon. The kids explored the house and were in awe at how big it seemed to them. We didn't do too much the rest of the day, just hung out at Grandma's (although I did go to church with her, my mom and one of my aunts), and ate a late dinner. Preparations for the next day were started by my Grandma, and eventually I was tired enough to call it a night. Sunday was rather rainy, which kinda stunk since the kids couldn't really run around and explore the very large backyard at Grandma's. They spent most of the time watching programs on tv, while we got food ready for the afternoon party that was going to happen at another aunt's home. My aunt's c...

I've been getting random comments from stupid people that are obviously spam. I'm glad that I set up comments to be approved by me first, but the amount of spam keeps increasing lately. So, I just tried adding a word security thing to see if that'll stop it for awhile. I sure hope so!! Mittens is peeking around the corner at me. It's almost 1am and he has been running around the apartment, sounding like a galloping horse. Wish he'd do that more during the day!! He's happy I'm home, I was gone for a couple days visiting family. I missed his cute lil face!! Off to bed now since I've been up since 8am, didn't get a nap, and tried to keep my niece and nephew entertained on the trip back home. Fun times, but very tiring!! :)