Daily Ponderings

This morning I woke up from an incredibly emotional dream. It was so vivid, like it had been happening in real time, and the emotions from what was happening felt so real that I was almost crying. I dreamt that I had been evaluated for a lung transplant, and that my time had come to have the surgery. I was saying goodbye to my family, hugging each one for what could've possibly been the last time, and trying not to cry my eyes out. I asked the doctors if we could say a prayer before surgery. I remember holding onto someone's hand before I was knocked out completely from the anesthesia, but I don't remember who that person was. Then the dream seemed to fast forward a tiny bit to after the surgery and I was already recovering so well that I was allowed to go home after a week of being under the knife and getting my new lungs. The first thing I did was go to my parents' house to pick up Mittens, who was so happy to see me he couldn't stop crying and rubbing my legs. I ...

Yesterday I didn't feel like getting up, but since the oxygen guy and the FedEx lady were showing up at some point, I figured staying in bed all morning wasn't going to work. I struggled to stay awake after getting dressed and having some breakfast. I think I'm fighting something off. Grrrr. The oxygen guy showed up and took his time filling the 2 big tanks, and a couple hours later, the nice FedEx lady came with my new phone. I was so tired by that point that all I did was open the package, take out the phone and put it in the wall to charge while I went to nap! A couple hours later, I turned the phone on and followed the directions on how to set some things up. The sounds were fascinating, but oh my word, everything seemed overwhelming! I started playing around with it and got confused on some things. Luckily, there are Youtube videos out there to view, and some of them have helped me set up stuff. But I certainly have a lot to play around with and discover. Somehow this ...

When I woke up this morning to the dogs barking next door, I had a feeling that today wasn't going to be all that great. I took my Revatio, and tried so hard to go back to sleep. I laid in bed for another 2 hours, not feeling all that great, but finally dragged myself out of bed because I really wanted to get to rehab. I got all ready to go, got a small package ready for the post office, got out the door, got into my car, aaaaaaaaaand nothing. At least this time Miss Saturn made an effort to turn on, but the battery is once again dead. I really should've just listened to my gut this morning when I knew I didn't feel like going anywhere, but I suppose I wouldn't have known my car wouldn't start until a time when I really really had to be somewhere. I'm just really irritated and frustrated! So on that note, I am going back to bed!

Things are a bit calmer since I last posted. I'm trying to take it one step at a time in figuring out my dilemma, although I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I've got some answers that work for me, but now I need to find more, and I'm just wondering whether or not I want to do anything about the entire situation. Sigh. Healthwise, I'm ok. I've been rather tired lately. I sleep, or oversleep, but just don't feel too rested most of the time. I'm blaming that on the situation I'm dealing with, but also with the winter blahs. I haven't been able to get out of the house since last Thursday. The bitter cold weekend wasn't pleasant, and when I tried to leave yesterday to go to rehab, my car wouldn't start. Thankfully my dad was able to jump the battery last night, so I'm crossing my fingers that I can go to rehab tomorrow!! I have exercised a couple days here this week, which I'm proud of since I don't do it here that often...

I've been trying to figure something out about a situation I've found myself in, and unfortunately can't describe here. But it's caused some rather unwanted stress, and my physical being and emotional being has been having a hard time handling it. It reminds me of how I felt back in March, like I was floating on Cloud 9 and things seemed to be going so well, and then I was suddenly slammed back down to earth....well, really hell....when Euan died. I'm trying to really find a lot of answers, and I keep praying and asking God for some peace and strength to get me through this. All I know is that I'm constantly tired and not sleeping well, and I'm really just hoping the answers come around very soon. I know stress isn't good for anyone, but when you're living with a chronic illness, stress seems about 100 times worse!!

Mittens often sees little bugs or centipedes or flies or whatever decides to roam around the apartment from time to time, but doesn't do anything to them. He just likes to watch them, and I'm usually the one to kill them. Today I noticed Mittens staring at the kitchen floor intently but I just couldn't see what he was seeing. So I ignored him for about 10 minutes, and when I looked back over, there was this cute little caterpillar inching it's way along the floor! I was rather surprised, since I had no idea how a caterpillar could've gotten in here considering it's the dead of winter and it's absolutely frigid outside. But, there it was, slowly making it's way across the floor. Mittens and I both stared as it began crossing over from the kitchen into the hallway, and I was trying to think of what to do with it. Obviously I couldn't get it and put it outside, since it would certainly freeze! As I was wondering if I should try to put it into a containe...

I'm thankful that the winds aren't blowing fiercely at all tonight. The temperature outside is 6F. It's supposed to go down to -1F. The fact that the winds are calm makes it a tad bit better, because it means the house isn't trying to stay warm with winds blowing hard. Tomorrow I have an appt with my PCP, and I'm hoping it won't feel so bad at 2pm when I'm to be there. Tuesday will be near 40F and rainy. I have another appt, so I'm happy it won't be frigid when I need to go! It won't last of course, but even a day break is nice to have! I haven't been doing too much around here, which isn't all that good. Being lazy has set in, and I feel guilty, but can't seem to snap myself out of it. I did finally force myself to make a bracelet this afternoon for a wedding party I was asked to do. I took a few pics so I could send them to the bride-to-be for her approval so I'd know whether to continue making the rest or if she wanted changes....

I had a totally unexpected bit of good news today that I never would've thought in a million years would ever happen. I won some money from my credit card's Fall paperless billing contest. When I first saw the email, I almost deleted it, but it had named my credit card and the contest, which I remember seeing every time I logged on the site in the last few months. So when I read the email, I was like whaaaaaaaaaaat?? I finished doing the dishes, and then sat down and read it again. Of course, my head was screaming scam, but there was a part of me that said this is probably legit. I contacted the person listed in the email. It wasn't a 1-800 number, and the person who answered didn't sound like they were from India or some other faraway place. The number, in fact, was from the Long Island area. I told her about the email I had just received, and she said that indeed, they had just sent that out to 45 winners of the contest. I told her I was calling to make sure this wasn...

I got to the dentist this afternoon, and was brought back to a room right after I gave the lady my name. After explaining the problem to her, and then telling the same to my dentist when he came in, my gums were examined. My front teeth were tapped with a metal object. I had an xray done of my 4 bottom front teeth. The dentist rechecked my gums, and also checked to see if I grind my teeth or if they still have a good bite. After he looked at the xray, he came back in and said, "Your teeth and gums couldn't be any better." He said the roots of my teeth are strong, and my gums aren't bleeding, aren't swollen, and they aren't red. He didn't know what to tell me, because everything looked good. He had checked under my chin and asked if it bothered me when he pushed there, and I said it was a tad sensitive. So, he suggested I ask my doctor to check my lymph nodes. Since I see her next Monday, I'll ask about it then. I'm hoping maybe it'll just get b...

The cold air is settling in again this week, which leaves me stranded at home for the most part. This isn't good because I need some food staples very soon, and I have one roll of toilet paper left!! lol I am hoping maybe tomorrow I can ask my mom to take me to Walmart after she brings me to an unplanned trip to the dentist. About a week after my last cleaning in September, I started having some problems with my lower front teeth. I figured it would just resolve itself, but it didn't. I stopped taking an antibiotic I had been on for almost 9 months for acne, because I thought it was causing the problem since I believe it had also stained the same 4 teeth that are bugging me now (the stain was removed during the last cleaning). I was going to call the dentist last Monday, but my mom suggested using a peroxide/water mix for a few days. I did use it several times a day for the week, but nothing's changed much. I feel like my gums are burning, especially by the end of the day. ...

I checked my email and the tracking code for my new ring this morning, and it said it was in Niagara Falls and was out for delivery. Yay, finally!! When I went to check the mail, the mail lady was just coming to the door, so I opened it up and actually accepted it from her in person. I do love the ring, and I think the sapphire is very pretty, but I must admit that had anyone bought this ring for the original price of about $150, they were totally ripped off. I paid $15 for it, and I think that's about what it's worth, even though it looks like it might cost more. lol But oh well, it's my new bling, and I'll wear it often I'm sure!!

I bought a ring for myself on December 17 last year (seems so funny saying that, last year!). A week later, I got the email that it was going out into the mail, but that it might take some time for the tracking to be updated. In their words, they said the USPS and UPS are slow as turtles in updating their tracking system. They said I might get the ring before it's even updated. I was hoping to have it before the new year, but I didn't even get a tracking update until 2 days ago. The ring made it to Buffalo, according to the tracking, yesterday. So, here I thought, I'll get it today! When I checked the mail, I didn't get anything. Grrrr. So, I checked the tracking again. The ring was off to Rochester, NY. ??????? Is it going for a little tour around the country before it gets here?? Sometimes I don't understand the post office! Rochester is only an hour from here, so I HOPE that maybe I'll get the ring sometime this week!!! Frustrating!!

A new year has been ushered in, and it's hard to believe that an entire decade of the 2000's is under our belt. Where in the world did 10 years go?? I remember being sick on New Year's in 1999, having to give up plans with my sisters and friends to stay home on the couch with my boyfriend at the time. I fell asleep shortly after 2000 began. And then 10 years whipped by and there I was last night, ringing in the new year by myself on the couch with a bottle of champagne! No, I didn't drink the entire bottle. And I wasn't totally by myself, I was chatting with good phriends in the PH chat room. Not a bad way to celebrate the beginning of 2011! This past week has been one of the best weeks I've had in a very long time. I can't begin to describe how happy I was to spend time, as short as it was, with my ENTIRE family for a few days. I'm so glad that Lisa was able to come home, and we all really enjoyed our time together. Dinner on Tuesday night was fabulous,...

When I got up (late again) this morning, I fired up the laptop and got Mittens' breakfast while I waited for it to load. I went to Facebook to see if Lisa had updated anything about coming home. I didn't see a particular message on her wall, but I did see that she had commented to a friend that she wouldn't be making it home. I was really crushed. I spent most of the day just really feeling bummed that she wouldn't be making it, and that this Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas at all this year since we couldn't celebrate it as an entire family. I lazed around for the longest time, but finally got to doing dishes and cleaning up some of the kitchen when my mom called me. She told me that Grandma and Aunt Joan were on their way, which I already knew from talking to my Grandma earlier in the morning. And then she said that Lisa and Brandon were making their way home, too. WHAT???? I swear I lit up right then and there with a huge smile on my face! They were ...

I got up late this morning, got dressed, fed Mittens, and put a load of laundry in the washer before I finally decided to try Lisa to see if they were able to leave on their trip up here. I called her house number, and she answered on the third ring. Boooooo. That told me the trip so far was a no go. It had occurred to me overnight that we haven't even seen Lisa and her little family since last Christmas. The thought that they may not make it at all if the weather isn't better tomorrow is a bit more bothersome than I'd like to admit. I'm praying and crossing everything I've got that they can make the trip tomorrow, or else they aren't making it at all. Today was a cold one, so I just stayed home and did 3 loads of laundry. In the afternoon, while using the laptop, I sorta had a hard time seeing and concentrating. Then my head started killing me. I had gotten a migraine that snuck up on me! Usually I see an aura first, but not this time. I had to take an Excedrin...

In several hours, it will officially be Christmas. I really can't believe the holidays are here. It didn't seem like it took all that long from Thanksgiving until now for the day to arrive, but bam! It's right on the doorstep! I'm looking forward to the upcoming gatherings with my family, especially after tomorrow since Lisa will be here with her little family by Monday night. We'll get together for an appetizer dinner tomorrow, but our Christmas celebration, complete with a dinner outing and opening gifts, won't be until Tuesday evening. So it's like we get to have Christmas twice. :) When Christmas passes, there's just one more week until a whole new year begins. I have been thinking back on this year a lot lately, and I while it's been a pretty good one, I do realize I'm still grieving Euan's loss. It's been over 9 months since he died during his surgery, and I still cry sometimes at night wishing he was here. I never expected to lose ...

I think I left off wondering whether or not I'd be stepping out of the house on Thursday. Well, I did! I just didn't make it to rehab Thursday morning. I had a slight headache, and I knew I had other places to go, so I didn't want to overdo it. When it's cold weather out, I don't have the energy to just push myself anyways to do the things I want to do. I tend to be able to do that a little bit more when it's warm out, but definitely not this time of year. So I went out with my mom. I had a package of jewelry to mail out (a rather large order, I was surprised when I saw the email for it!), and money to put into my credit union, and then we had a quick lunch at Wendy's, and headed to Mandy's house for a bit. We stayed there with my nephew while Mandy picked up my niece, and shortly after they got back, we went to Napa to get a gift for my dad. We had planned on going to Walmart, but it was getting late in the afternoon, and my mom needed to get home to st...

I've been in my house since Friday night's grocery trip. I didn't really care at first, because the beginning of the week was brutally frigid. But I really need to escape from this place! I have many places I need to go to finish holiday shopping and stuff. The temperature is supposed to be mid-20s tomorrow, which I suppose I can deal with as long as the wind chill isn't bitter. I'll just have to make sure I get my butt up early enough to check the conditions and decide whether to go to rehab and elsewhere. I know the weekend will be in the 30s, which is better, but I really hate being out and about on the weekend during the busy shopping season. It's hard for me to find close enough parking sometimes, and fighting the crowds can just be downright exhausting. Sooooo, crossing my fingers that it'll be somewhat tolerable for me to go out!!!

With more bad weather and bitter temperatures coming starting tomorrow, I knew last Thursday that I really needed to take advantage of the 30 degree temps that would be sticking around for the weekend. I seriously needed to make a grocery trip, and since I really don't like to be in the stores on the weekend this time of year, Friday was going to have to be the day to go out. I had asked my mom if she could go, and she said yes, but she just wasn't sure when. My parents had taken their dog, Shelby, to the vet's on Thursday for an operation on her foot, and Shelby ended up needing her toe removed. She also had a tooth extracted, and a couple of spots removed from her ears. The poor thing! Shelby is 14 now, although she still has some days where you'd think she was way younger. And of course, she still looks like a puppy because of her small size. Well anyway, my mom didn't want to leave Shelby alone at home, so we ended up waiting until the evening to go out for food...

My friend, Erin, called me on Sunday evening to let me know that her niece, A., had passed away the night before. A. was 10 years old, and had died from complications of pneumonia. She was a special needs child, with many health issues over her short 10 years, including almost always being in a wheelchair. I didn't always get to see A., but when I did, she always had a beautiful smile on her face. She was so innocent to life, she saw joy in so much around her when any other person may have let that joy escape unnoticed. I was really surprised when Erin told me A. had died, it was just nothing I was expecting to hear. Today was the wake for A., and despite the cold temps, I bundled myself up to get myself to the funeral home. I wanted to be there for Erin, who has no words to describe how she's feeling, and for A.'s family. I didn't realize exactly how difficult it would be to go to a wake for a child. I wrote a short memory of A. for the parents, and then went to view t...