Ponderments
After a demand, I recently deleted or edited many posts within the last year and a half of my life involving a certain topic that meant alot to me. I wish I hadn't done that now. Because now it seems like that topic never existed in the first place. My feelings that went along with it are now wiped out as well. I wish what I had done was changed or deleted names, maybe some of what I said, and comments that went along with it, so I could remember that this situation actually was a huge part of my life. It's too late to do that now. It's too late for alot of things. There's no way to really fix it. I'm just dealing and moving on.
I can't explain my emotions since all of this happened. Everything went way downhill on Tuesday, but really, for me, things were going downhill way before that. I think because of that, I shut a wall over my emotions so I wouldn't get hurt yet again. So I really don't know how I'm feeling right now. And for THAT, I feel awful. Sad isn't exactly what it is. Anger isn't there either. Well it was there at first, while I was deleting, but not right now. I can't even say I'm numb. Numb was completely how I felt a few years ago with someone else when my feelings were completely shattered and that ended. Like someone had kicked me in the gut, and I thought it would never get better. Of course it did. This time around, I guess shutting off my emotions alot earlier has allowed me to feel no pain. Maybe I will be sad at some point. Maybe I just have had too much going on to even have time to think about everything that happened. Maybe when my summer is ending, and I'm going back into fall/winter routine, I'll be able to sort out my feelings. I really just don't know.
I learned years ago that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some people are there for a very short time. Some are there forever. Some people who you think will be there for you, and was there for years, suddenly are just ripped from your life for whatever reason. It's very painful for a long time at first, but then looking back years later, you realize that maybe the time they were in your life was the time they were supposed to be there. My ex-best friend is someone I lost abruptly, but I realized years later that she was just there for the first part of my life, my childhood and young adulthood. She was so selfish in alot of ways, and I really think she finally couldn't deal with my health when I really got very sick, but for the many years we were friends, I had alot of fun with her. I think if she hadn't been in my life, I wouldn't have been a social butterfly during my college years. I think if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't really have guts to start talking to people like she always could. I think her time in my life was, for the most part, a great time, but I guess we just outgrew each other. And I know that it does happen. Alot.
This most recent incident, I can't quite figure out yet. I know it'll take time. I don't know why my feelings became so strong over the winter, only to be hardly there by late spring. So many reasons played into it, but I just wonder what God had to prove to me with them. I think I'll figure it out eventually. I hope I do, anyway. I really just regret deleting all those feelings from the past year and a half. They were genuine and very real. I was scared shitless when I didn't hear anything for a long time. I was so relieved when I finally would. I really did care, and I really did have hopes for happiness in the future. Why they ended? Well, that is for God to know, and maybe me to figure out.
All I know for sure is that this entry will be the only one that acknowledges that something happened in the last year and a half in regards to that topic. It'll be the only one that will give me some sense of what my feelings were when I go back and read entries, even though it's only an inkling of how I felt. I guess that is all I get to take away from what happened. I just hope that I will never forget.
I can't explain my emotions since all of this happened. Everything went way downhill on Tuesday, but really, for me, things were going downhill way before that. I think because of that, I shut a wall over my emotions so I wouldn't get hurt yet again. So I really don't know how I'm feeling right now. And for THAT, I feel awful. Sad isn't exactly what it is. Anger isn't there either. Well it was there at first, while I was deleting, but not right now. I can't even say I'm numb. Numb was completely how I felt a few years ago with someone else when my feelings were completely shattered and that ended. Like someone had kicked me in the gut, and I thought it would never get better. Of course it did. This time around, I guess shutting off my emotions alot earlier has allowed me to feel no pain. Maybe I will be sad at some point. Maybe I just have had too much going on to even have time to think about everything that happened. Maybe when my summer is ending, and I'm going back into fall/winter routine, I'll be able to sort out my feelings. I really just don't know.
I learned years ago that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some people are there for a very short time. Some are there forever. Some people who you think will be there for you, and was there for years, suddenly are just ripped from your life for whatever reason. It's very painful for a long time at first, but then looking back years later, you realize that maybe the time they were in your life was the time they were supposed to be there. My ex-best friend is someone I lost abruptly, but I realized years later that she was just there for the first part of my life, my childhood and young adulthood. She was so selfish in alot of ways, and I really think she finally couldn't deal with my health when I really got very sick, but for the many years we were friends, I had alot of fun with her. I think if she hadn't been in my life, I wouldn't have been a social butterfly during my college years. I think if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't really have guts to start talking to people like she always could. I think her time in my life was, for the most part, a great time, but I guess we just outgrew each other. And I know that it does happen. Alot.
This most recent incident, I can't quite figure out yet. I know it'll take time. I don't know why my feelings became so strong over the winter, only to be hardly there by late spring. So many reasons played into it, but I just wonder what God had to prove to me with them. I think I'll figure it out eventually. I hope I do, anyway. I really just regret deleting all those feelings from the past year and a half. They were genuine and very real. I was scared shitless when I didn't hear anything for a long time. I was so relieved when I finally would. I really did care, and I really did have hopes for happiness in the future. Why they ended? Well, that is for God to know, and maybe me to figure out.
All I know for sure is that this entry will be the only one that acknowledges that something happened in the last year and a half in regards to that topic. It'll be the only one that will give me some sense of what my feelings were when I go back and read entries, even though it's only an inkling of how I felt. I guess that is all I get to take away from what happened. I just hope that I will never forget.
