Vaccinated

Throughout the year of covid, many drug companies started trying to come up with a vaccine against this deadly new illness. While it usually takes many years, sometimes many decades, to come up with new vaccines and even medications, the first two vaccines for coronavirus were emergency FDA-approved before the new year began. Some people even began to get vaccines in December. Still hard to come by, and with not a true plan in place on how people were to be vaccinated, January brought in a new administration and a new plan. It still has taken some time, but I feel as if more and more people are able to receive a vaccine if they so choose. Because remember, people have a choice about whether or not they want to be vaccinated. And that is ok. 

A week before my mom died from covid, I was called by the Niagara County Mental Health department about the Moderna vaccine, and if I would like one. I was shocked, because although people living with comorbidities were able to get a vaccine (good luck finding one!) if they wanted to, around mid-February, I hadn't really been making huge efforts in trying to find one. It was still winter, it was still cold, I wasn't going out a lot anyway, I figured I'd eventually find one somehow. But no, here was an opportunity for me to get one!! So, of course, I said yes! I was to get it about a week later. And I had to only drive less than 5 minutes from my house. YAY!!

I decided that afternoon to call my mom in her hospital room. She was on very hi-flow oxygen at the time, and I knew it wasn't easy for her to talk, but I knew she would want to know that her sickest child had the opportunity to get the vaccine and was going to do it. She had asked me several times if I was going to get one, and I said of course, I would. I called her room, and she answered, and I told her it was me. I told her I knew she was having a hard time talking, but that I knew she would want to know that I had gotten a call that morning about getting a vaccine, and that I had an appointment the next week. She sounded happy for me, asked where it was and which one. I told her, and she said, "Well, Colleen, I am happy that you're getting one." I could tell that it took a lot of breath just to tell me that, so I told her I wouldn't keep her. I told her that I loved her, and she told me that she loved me. And then we hung up. Little did I know, that would be the very last conversation I would ever have with my mom. 

Fast forward to two days after my mom passed. I went to my first vaccine shot appointment. I cried the entire time I was there. So many PHriends have been posting about their relief to get the vaccine, how happy they were, how free they felt. I did not feel any of that. I felt such unbearable grief that I was getting my first shot right after my mom lost her life to this horrible illness. Four weeks later, I got the second shot, and despite a day and a half of very yucky side effects, I'm still not feeling anything other than complete and utter sadness that my mom never got a chance to get a vaccine. It hurts so much. 

BUT.....on the day I got my 2nd shot, which was mid-morning, I felt fine enough to go to a favorite park I like to walk at since it was also a beautiful day weather-wise. I got to the park, got Artie (my oxygen) turned up, and started to go. Not even a minute into my walk, I passed by two women on their own walk. It didn't dawn on me until several minutes later that my mom showed me that she was with me. Because despite the fact that butterflies are not usually around this early in the season, I realized that one of the women's shirts had an array of beautiful butterflies on it. My mom knew how much butterflies meant to me, and showed me that shirt so I knew she was watching.  And that small sign of comfort made me feel like she was happy to know that I am now fully vaccinated. It may have brought a tiny little piece of happiness to me.