Summaries

Almost two weeks have passed since I last wrote. I actually felt hardly any anxiety for about 5 days, and then it went from not there to subtly there. It's not out of control, but it's not gone either. I have had two doses of the 50K Vitamin D pills, which I started taking on January 14th. So, it's every Saturday for 12 weeks. That first weekend, we actually had sun twice, and I purposely put my winter coat and hat on and stood in the sun for as long as I could tolerate the cold. I've only seen glimpses of it since. I guess that's a huge part of my lack of Vitamin D!!

I started talk therapy again last Wednesday. I still have the same therapist I've had twice already, because I do really like her, and I didn't really feel like starting over new with someone else. I told her the reasons for wanting to talk to someone again. I told her it's because I am especially hard on myself. She asked me what I meant by that. I summed it up this way:

As a lifelong chronically-ill person, I didn't really get to have the life I truly wanted. Sure, I had a "teaching career" that lasted only three and a half years, but that was it. But, does everyone's life turn out exactly how they planned? I also told her that I did start trying to talk myself out of this anxiety hole I'm in because my mind has told itself that I am not doing anything with my life. And that is the BIGGEST BUNCH OF CRAP I'VE EVER HEARD!!! 

What have I been able to accomplish since I had to quit working? I'll make a list:

1. I finished my grad degree in Early Childhood Education.

2. I started a PH support group in Western NY when I was terrified about doing it originally. This year will be the 18th year anniversary of the group!

3. I taught myself how to make jewelry of all sorts when I didn't know what to buy as gifts for my friends since my budget got cut from not working. I made jewelry and sold it for years until I wasn't selling it anymore and I got a little bored with it.

4. I taught myself how to cook better and eat better, and I enjoy making things for myself and others.

 

5. I taught myself how to paint in glass, and then I started painting rocks. Now I'm painting paint-by-number canvasses that I just enjoy because it's so relaxing.

6. I've made new friends in many places, and kept up relationships I've had for years. I have always been told I am THAT person who tries to keep people together, and I guess it's true. And that is saying a lot for someone who grew up terribly shy. 

7. I raised a cat for 15 years, and after I had to let him go to heaven, I have been "raising" another cat for almost 7 years. Although, I can't say I'm raising her to do anything because she is quite the personality challenge from the first one. lol

8. I have worked so very hard in the last at least 5 years building an exercise routine that I am so very proud of! It's to the point where I actually get a little irritated when I can't exercise. But, to be able to do something pretty much every day is a miracle considering I never took a gym class and I never played sports. I'm so thankful that my body is able to handle what I'm doing.

9. I learned how to make a little cash here and there by finding out about survey websites. I'm still doing several of them 15 years later, and it's been helpful!

10. I've had two boyfriends, one I had to learn the hard way about what NOT to have in a relationship, and the current one's lesson is that someone truly can come along when you least expect them to. I don't regret the first relationship, because it helped me learn so many things I was tolerating when I shouldn't have been. 

11. Volunteering at the nursing home made me truly realize how much of a people person I am, and I loved every minute of it! Unfortunately, since I probably can't go back to doing it safely thanks to covid and even other illnesses, I had to find a new way to help elders. And I did!! Now I am writing letters thanks to a few websites I found! If I had enough money, I'd be sending out letters constantly, but I need to limit myself a bit because stamps are expensive! 

I'm sure I am missing some of the things I've accomplished for myself in the last 24 years, but I'm getting tired and I need to sleep. I'm trying to keep my spirits up every day, even though the anxiety is still around. I'm pushing myself to do things anyway because I am hard headed and I don't give up. But, that is the source of my anxiety right now, all those things I have accomplished, and yet I still don't feel I'm doing much. And that is why I am seeing my therapist again, to hopefully help me get through to myself that what I am doing with my life is perfectly fine! The only person judging me is MYSELF!!