Health Changes

 I finally thought I was making progress with my anxiety that had ramped up again back in November of last year. It's been a very long road of not feeling good, trying to increase the Remeron, trying to learn once again that my life is worth a whole lot of SOMETHING. The tremendous loss of my mom, my grandma, a couple of dear phriends, and the nursing home volunteering put a huge pressure of my value of what my life is supposed to be like. However, I had finally started to turn that around. In June, I was robbed (another story for another time, maybe), and on that day I figured that out, I realized I wasn't anxious at all. I was pumped with adrenaline that whole day since I was so angry, so I thought for sure the anxiety would be back again, but it wasn't. And for at least a month and a half, it's been pretty decent. I've been so thankful for that. 

But in the last several weeks, I don't know what has happened to my body, especially my abdominal area, but I have not been well. It's been hard to eat sometimes, I have an ache in my lower right side, and I'm bloated, which is something I haven't dealt with before. I have been to my primary, a NP gastro twice, I've had abdominal ultrasounds and an abdominal CT scan. Those have shown my stomach, intestines, gall bladder, and whatever else is in that region to be fine. Nothing is showing up on blood work. I went to 2 different ERs 2 weekends in a row. One locally, and one at the Cleveland Clinic. The local one thought maybe I had a UTI, but the cultures came back negative. Cleveland went back and forth between maybe a gastro issue to maybe my PH had suddenly gotten worse. Now I have a GI consult coming up next week with a Cleveland gastro person, and she may or may not suggest scopes. The week after, I have to go back to Cleveland to see my cardiologist's NP, and if scopes are suggested, I hope they can be done at that time or even the next day. 

Traveling to Cleveland is getting trickier. I haven't had my dad bring me since 2020 after his stroke because I don't really trust his driving on the highway. It's about a 3 hour trip, which isn't too bad, but I'm just not sure that's the best idea for him. Now that he is having issues with walking around because of his back, trying to walk Cleveland is another problem I don't want him to have. It's a HUGE facility! My boyfriend has brought me twice, and the last time was the ridiculous trip to their ER which was kind of stupid to do on a weekend. No one told me GI specialists weren't around on the weekend. I wish I had known. But, oh well, I know now. 

All of this within the last week has taking a hit on my mental health again. My anxiety isn't totally out of control, but it's not great. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. It's been hard. My sistore from NC is here with her family this week, and I have been doing my best to visit and get some rest in between. I'm thankful yesterday wasn't too bad that I spent most of my time with her and another sistore, which meant I was just really tired last night. Tomorrow evening is a party for my niece who graduated last month, so I am hoping I'll have energy for that since it'll be the last time we're together again for awhile. 

I'm praying so hard to feel better, but I am also praying so hard for more answers as to why I feel the way I do. I haven't even been exercising because of how I'm feeling, and that is saying an awful lot. I exercised almost every single day in June. Now this month, I might have one or two days marked on the calendar. If my PH has gotten worse, I have to hold onto hope that there is something I can do to help get back on track. I also have to pray my heart isn't being terribly affected, either. I am crying as I type this, but at this point, I am honestly scared. And I'm usually the one who is trying to spread the hope around. I know I'll make sure to talk to my therapist about this next week. Last time I had my appt with her, she mentioned going back to just med management again. I'm not sure now with what's been happening that it's a good idea. I need to talk this stuff out.