Daily Ponderings

 I'm scheduled for a right heart catheterization on April 15th. I haven't had one since I was 2 years old. Both of my Cleveland doctors have suggested having a baseline RHC within the past year, especially if I were ever to start a transplant journey. I know what the test is like, but I also don't know what the test is like. I know they are done thousands of times a day all over the country, and I know my Cleveland cardiologist will be the ONLY ONE touching me because she doesn't let anyone else touch her congenital heart patients. But.....I am scared. I admit that. It's a test I haven't had done since an age I can't even remember it, so I don't know what to expect. I am trying my best to not focus on it, since it's over a month away. I keep telling myself that I will be in good hands, I will be with my best friend who is taking me, it's not a very long procedure, and hopefully it will provide some news my doctors haven't had to go on conside

 I finally thought I was making progress with my anxiety that had ramped up again back in November of last year. It's been a very long road of not feeling good, trying to increase the Remeron, trying to learn once again that my life is worth a whole lot of SOMETHING. The tremendous loss of my mom, my grandma, a couple of dear phriends, and the nursing home volunteering put a huge pressure of my value of what my life is supposed to be like. However, I had finally started to turn that around. In June, I was robbed (another story for another time, maybe), and on that day I figured that out, I realized I wasn't anxious at all. I was pumped with adrenaline that whole day since I was so angry, so I thought for sure the anxiety would be back again, but it wasn't. And for at least a month and a half, it's been pretty decent. I've been so thankful for that.  But in the last several weeks, I don't know what has happened to my body, especially my abdominal area, but I have

Well, technically there is still one more day tomorrow, but February certainly went by quick! It also wasn't as horrible as I was expecting, like last year. I hope in years to come, I will no longer see February as an awful month, because it wasn't this year. In fact, I had a lot of good things happen this month, no matter how big or little they were. From a few movie dates, either with my boyfriend or myself, to dinners, to an aquarium birthday party (YAY! I love fish!), February was for the most part doable.  The biggest blessing I found for myself this year? MASSAGES. I have gone twice, and I am signed up for a third massage this Wednesday. I found out last month that some medical costs are making it more affordable for me to include getting a massage about every two weeks. The first one was very nice, but gosh I was so sore, but after a few days that settled. What else has settled an awful lot from massage? My anxiety!! The first massage, after maybe 3 days of having it, I

 In the last four days, I have seen three movies in a theater. Saturday, I went to see Knock at the Cabin with my boyfriend. I have enjoyed a fair amount of M. Night Shyamalan movies, although I didn't like his last one called Old. Well, I did like it until the end. Then I was mad. lol Knock at the Cabin was pretty good, however. Kinda gory even though the gore wasn't shown, but you knew what was happening. It had a good ending, so we both liked that! When we were at the theater on Saturday before the movie, I noticed that The Whale was playing, which surprised me since I didn't think it was playing at many theaters. I decided over the weekend that I was going to take myself to that movie, and to A Man Called Otto. And I decided that the day I was going to do that was today. I don't have good memories of this date two years ago, and so I wanted to make different memories for this date so I'll have better things to remember in years to come.  A little side note.....m

 February starts this week, and with it is coming the coldest temperatures we've had all winter so far. It'll be in the 20s or teens most of the week. I don't like that at all. I will be leaving my house at least twice this week for appointments. Tomorrow is the dentist, but I don't think it'll be really frigid tomorrow. If I feel up to it afterward, I might try to go get a few things to make a beef stew in the crock pot. I haven't had that in ages.  Wednesday, I will be having a massage for the first time in forever, too! I am hoping to make it a monthly thing. I found out last week that due to some NY State changes to Medicaid, I am suddenly no longer needing to pay for my medical, which was shocking to me. I actually had to call the Social Service office to try to understand what happened. I've been paying for my Medicaid for years, which is fine. I have a ton of medical issues, and so I need my Medicaid. But now, I guess I make too little income and I no

Almost two weeks have passed since I last wrote. I actually felt hardly any anxiety for about 5 days, and then it went from not there to subtly there. It's not out of control, but it's not gone either. I have had two doses of the 50K Vitamin D pills, which I started taking on January 14th. So, it's every Saturday for 12 weeks. That first weekend, we actually had sun twice, and I purposely put my winter coat and hat on and stood in the sun for as long as I could tolerate the cold. I've only seen glimpses of it since. I guess that's a huge part of my lack of Vitamin D!! I started talk therapy again last Wednesday. I still have the same therapist I've had twice already, because I do really like her, and I didn't really feel like starting over new with someone else. I told her the reasons for wanting to talk to someone again. I told her it's because I am especially hard on myself. She asked me what I meant by that. I summed it up this way: As a lifelong chro