Daily Ponderings

  I "follow" God on Facebook. It seems ridiculous, but it's not. I love the posts I see, and this one hit me tonight. I need to see this every day somewhere. Maybe tape it to my bathroom mirror, my fridge, next to my laptop, I don't know. Everywhere. My inner struggle and happiness over the past couple of years about myself is the hardest battle I've ever faced, and it's mind-blowing that I even have to talk to myself about my daily purpose and to quantify what I'm doing every day. It doesn't matter. JUST LIVE. JUST ENJOY. AND KNOW THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING MATTERS, WHETHER IT'S HELPING SOMEONE OR DANCING TO MUSIC. WHETHER IT'S WRITING A LETTER OR CLEANING THE BATHROOM. IT'S LIFE!! STOP OVERTHINKING AND JUST DO!! God    ·  There are many great people in this world but none of them are you. You're meant to be here. You're doing fantastic. Keep up the great work and have an excellent rest of your day.

 I'm scheduled for a right heart catheterization on April 15th. I haven't had one since I was 2 years old. Both of my Cleveland doctors have suggested having a baseline RHC within the past year, especially if I were ever to start a transplant journey. I know what the test is like, but I also don't know what the test is like. I know they are done thousands of times a day all over the country, and I know my Cleveland cardiologist will be the ONLY ONE touching me because she doesn't let anyone else touch her congenital heart patients. But.....I am scared. I admit that. It's a test I haven't had done since an age I can't even remember it, so I don't know what to expect. I am trying my best to not focus on it, since it's over a month away. I keep telling myself that I will be in good hands, I will be with my best friend who is taking me, it's not a very long procedure, and hopefully it will provide some news my doctors haven't had to go on conside...

 I finally thought I was making progress with my anxiety that had ramped up again back in November of last year. It's been a very long road of not feeling good, trying to increase the Remeron, trying to learn once again that my life is worth a whole lot of SOMETHING. The tremendous loss of my mom, my grandma, a couple of dear phriends, and the nursing home volunteering put a huge pressure of my value of what my life is supposed to be like. However, I had finally started to turn that around. In June, I was robbed (another story for another time, maybe), and on that day I figured that out, I realized I wasn't anxious at all. I was pumped with adrenaline that whole day since I was so angry, so I thought for sure the anxiety would be back again, but it wasn't. And for at least a month and a half, it's been pretty decent. I've been so thankful for that.  But in the last several weeks, I don't know what has happened to my body, especially my abdominal area, but I have...

Well, technically there is still one more day tomorrow, but February certainly went by quick! It also wasn't as horrible as I was expecting, like last year. I hope in years to come, I will no longer see February as an awful month, because it wasn't this year. In fact, I had a lot of good things happen this month, no matter how big or little they were. From a few movie dates, either with my boyfriend or myself, to dinners, to an aquarium birthday party (YAY! I love fish!), February was for the most part doable.  The biggest blessing I found for myself this year? MASSAGES. I have gone twice, and I am signed up for a third massage this Wednesday. I found out last month that some medical costs are making it more affordable for me to include getting a massage about every two weeks. The first one was very nice, but gosh I was so sore, but after a few days that settled. What else has settled an awful lot from massage? My anxiety!! The first massage, after maybe 3 days of having it, I ...

 In the last four days, I have seen three movies in a theater. Saturday, I went to see Knock at the Cabin with my boyfriend. I have enjoyed a fair amount of M. Night Shyamalan movies, although I didn't like his last one called Old. Well, I did like it until the end. Then I was mad. lol Knock at the Cabin was pretty good, however. Kinda gory even though the gore wasn't shown, but you knew what was happening. It had a good ending, so we both liked that! When we were at the theater on Saturday before the movie, I noticed that The Whale was playing, which surprised me since I didn't think it was playing at many theaters. I decided over the weekend that I was going to take myself to that movie, and to A Man Called Otto. And I decided that the day I was going to do that was today. I don't have good memories of this date two years ago, and so I wanted to make different memories for this date so I'll have better things to remember in years to come.  A little side note.....m...

 February starts this week, and with it is coming the coldest temperatures we've had all winter so far. It'll be in the 20s or teens most of the week. I don't like that at all. I will be leaving my house at least twice this week for appointments. Tomorrow is the dentist, but I don't think it'll be really frigid tomorrow. If I feel up to it afterward, I might try to go get a few things to make a beef stew in the crock pot. I haven't had that in ages.  Wednesday, I will be having a massage for the first time in forever, too! I am hoping to make it a monthly thing. I found out last week that due to some NY State changes to Medicaid, I am suddenly no longer needing to pay for my medical, which was shocking to me. I actually had to call the Social Service office to try to understand what happened. I've been paying for my Medicaid for years, which is fine. I have a ton of medical issues, and so I need my Medicaid. But now, I guess I make too little income and I no...

Almost two weeks have passed since I last wrote. I actually felt hardly any anxiety for about 5 days, and then it went from not there to subtly there. It's not out of control, but it's not gone either. I have had two doses of the 50K Vitamin D pills, which I started taking on January 14th. So, it's every Saturday for 12 weeks. That first weekend, we actually had sun twice, and I purposely put my winter coat and hat on and stood in the sun for as long as I could tolerate the cold. I've only seen glimpses of it since. I guess that's a huge part of my lack of Vitamin D!! I started talk therapy again last Wednesday. I still have the same therapist I've had twice already, because I do really like her, and I didn't really feel like starting over new with someone else. I told her the reasons for wanting to talk to someone again. I told her it's because I am especially hard on myself. She asked me what I meant by that. I summed it up this way: As a lifelong chro...

 It's been a few days. I've been busy but still also fighting the anxiety train. However, after a dear friend asked why I wasn't calling my mental health nurse to talk about what I'm dealing with, I finally did on Tuesday morning. I had to leave a message and wait for a call back. In the meantime, that day I spent keeping pretty busy. I showered, cleaned the bathroom, did yoga, washed my dishes, cooked (I made stuffed peppers!), even painted for a little bit. I had time for a little nap with Grace before making dinner and spending the rest of the evening playing around on the laptop.  Wednesday morning, I had a med check appt with my gyno. She walked into the exam room, looked at me, and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her about the anxiety issues I was having again. I even told her about the blood work I got done last week to check certain levels that can also be related to anxiety: thyroid (normal), Vitamin B levels (normal), Vitamin D (low!). I told her my n...

 I thought today was going to be good. I felt pretty tired when I got up this morning, but I figured it was because of going to bed last night still really full and not sleeping great. I started my day fine, but sometime after my breakfast, I just felt really blah and....I just don't know how to describe it. Not really anxious, but something was going on in my body that it didn't like. However, I still had a support group meeting to run!  My new laptop was not really wanting to participate in Zoom, so I had to join Zoom through the browser. Whatever, at least that worked! I waited in the room for several minutes before someone finally joined. I had spoken to her last month when she called me after finding out about my group through another lady. She was the only one to join the support group meeting today. We chatted for over an hour before we both decided just to take off. Sometimes I feel disappointed by small group meetings like that, but I know virtual meetings haven't ...

 I had thought maybe today I'd go see the Whitney Houston movie, but I called my sister, Mandy, to see if she had really wanted to go, too. After talking for an hour and a half, we decided to try maybe going on Wednesday next week. And no, it did not take that long to decide this. lol We talked about a lot of things. It was nice to chat with her for so long! My oxygen guy comes on Fridays, and even when he calls me in the mornings to give me a time frame of when he'll be here, it doesn't mean he makes it during that time. Such was the case today. He told me around noon but didn't get here until almost 2. I was trying to do random things around the house when I really just wanted to get on the treadmill! When he was finally gone, I walked for a mile on the treadmill, and then had a late lunch. I was contemplating a nap but also wanting to start working on cards for seniors. I opted to just make one card, and I ended up making two! I think I am going to like doing this! I...

 Despite not really feeling that great today, I certainly got a lot done around here. I got up a little after 9, got Grace's breakfast and partially put my breakfast out, and then took a shower. I didn't end up eating breakfast until almost 11 since I also wanted to dry my hair. I don't like letting it air dry in the winter. I spent a lot of time doing some laptop stuff before I finally decided to go walk on my treadmill. I was about to step on it when a dance song came on - KC & The Sunshine Band! Well, guess what? The treadmill idea got nixed, and I ended up dancing. lol I had to take a small break halfway through when my Dad showed up at my door. He wanted to take out my garbage, plus I had given him a container of the tuna noodle casserole I made last night. So, he left, and I finished my dance session. It's amazing how exercise can help anxiety, because I felt a little better after that. I had a very late lunch, then a tiny nap, and dinner, news and a Law &...

 I have been on a medication for pulmonary hypertension for 19 years called Tracleer (bosentan). It requires that I get monthly blood work to check my liver functions, and to make sure I'm not pregnant. So yes, I have been doing this for 19 years! I decided today that I would leave after breakfast this morning to get this blood work done before it rained heavier in the afternoon. So, my errands looked like this: -Drop off a piece of mail at the post office since getting my mail here has been spotty lately.  -Go to Rite Aid to pick up a prescription, and wait in line for about half an hour since they have had terrible problems in the last year with not enough staff (many places have been like this, not just Rite Aid).  -Go to the credit union to deposit some money, pay my rent, and say good luck to one of the ladies who is retiring on Saturday! She's such a sweet person, and swears she'll see us this summer when the weather gets better and she can invite us to sit out on h...

 My anxiety was rather crappy today, and I think it was brought on by what happened last night. I woke up to find out Damar Hamlin had cardiac arrest on the football field, which is why he was worked on for so long before he was brought to the hospital. No real updates since then, other than his vitals were stable, but he's been intubated and still in critical condition. I've been praying for him all day.  I had decided that I wanted to change my bedding, which meant almost an entire day of stripping the bed, slowly washing the blanket, the decorative blanket that goes over the bedspread, the sheets that had been on the bed, and putting everything back together. In between loads of wash, I also did an hour of yoga. I was pretty proud of myself, but tonight I am realizing that I think I once again pulled something in my chest and arm area while putting the bed back together. This seemed to be a common occurrence last year. And because it's in my chest, and my anxiety is a bi...

 I was going to type about my day, but my day is ending on a very sad and upsetting note. I was never a huge football fan growing up. It wasn't until I started dating my ex back in 2012 that I started to watch games and understand how the game was played, and before I knew it, I was a Buffalo Bills fan! Even after we broke up, I still continued to watch the Bills, despite so many losses and heartbreaking seasons.  In 2017, we got a new quarterback. Josh Allen. His jersey number? 17. MY FAVORITE NUMBER!! There was something different about this young man. And suddenly, the Bills were starting to do things we hadn't seen in so long. Like WINNING! A LOT! And going to the playoffs! The teams has been working so hard to get to the Super Bowl, and this season has felt like we almost have it, we're almost there! Tonight, the Bills were playing the Cincinnati Bengals. The first quarter was barely started when there was a terrible injury for the Bills. Damar Hamlin, who is only 24, ...

 I completely skipped blogging about anything for 2022. It was a little difficult for me in terms of anxiety and not feeling great that comes along with that. I'm doing better right now, so I decided to give blogging daily (hopefully) another try. It's been so long since I've even done that, and I do like to write. So, I'll see what happens! On this first day of 2023, it was fairly uneventful. I had my breakfast and then did my yoga. Time to start a whole new year of exercise! I did 274 out of the 365 days of exercising last year, which was down from the year before. I attribute that to the already mentioned anxiety and not feeling well, so I am hoping to do better this year! I'm very thankful I actually really like to exercise, but at the same time, I have been giving myself grace periods if I cannot do it. I tend to push myself a lot, and that is hard to do sometimes with having PH. So, I've got one day down. Yay! I played with my brand new laptop for a bit, a...

 2021 keeps marching on, and it's still surreal to know my Mom isn't here anymore. To add another punch in the gut to this fucktastic year, my Grandma K, my Mom's mother, died last week. Although Grandma was 98, and lived a pretty full life, I truly believe that the loss of my Mom was too much for her to take. Fourteen weeks to the day my Mom died, on a Tuesday morning, my Grandma died, on a Tuesday evening. She was surrounded by much of her family at home, where she truly wanted to be when she died, after spending weeks in a hospital and a rehab facility. A week after they finally allowed her to go home to be at peace, she went to heaven. I am pretty darn sure that she was greeted by my Mom, my Grandpa K, and so many more who went before her years ago. I am saddened that she is gone, but I am relieved that she is no longer in pain physically or emotionally.   My Dad, Mandy, Lisa and I were able to drive to Horseheads, NY, this past weekend for my Grandma's services. It...

Throughout the year of covid, many drug companies started trying to come up with a vaccine against this deadly new illness. While it usually takes many years, sometimes many decades, to come up with new vaccines and even medications, the first two vaccines for coronavirus were emergency FDA-approved before the new year began. Some people even began to get vaccines in December. Still hard to come by, and with not a true plan in place on how people were to be vaccinated, January brought in a new administration and a new plan. It still has taken some time, but I feel as if more and more people are able to receive a vaccine if they so choose. Because remember, people have a choice about whether or not they want to be vaccinated. And that is ok.  A week before my mom died from covid, I was called by the Niagara County Mental Health department about the Moderna vaccine, and if I would like one. I was shocked, because although people living with comorbidities were able to get a vaccine (g...

 It's almost a year since I last wrote, but it's been over a year since the coronavirus pandemic started. There has been so much loss in this last year. So much. Over 500,000 lives have been lost to this virus in the United States alone, higher than any other country.  And one of those lives gone just recently happened, when my beautiful and wonderful mother passed away earlier this month after complications from covid. It has been absolutely unbearable and soul crushing. And I just don't know how to cope. I am gutted. I am traumatized. And I am in absolute pain.  I miss my mom so much. 

Near the end of last year, with all the busyness of the holidays, I started realizing how happy I truly had been for quite some time. I reflected on how 2015 and the few years following were so difficult to get through, but also that I eventually conquered those difficulties to the point where I was loving life again!! I was doing fairly good healthwise, exercising quite a bit, still meditating daily. I was enjoying all the things that go with the holiday, such as buying gifts for family and a few friends, going to holiday events for the nursing home, spending time with loved ones almost every week. Christmas came and went, and it was nice! Even though I spent the New Year by myself again as usual, I didn't mind. I was in a happy place!! I had excitement and hope for 2020 and new things to come!! BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!!! BUT THEN........ In January, stuff started happening with my parents' health. My mom had some inconsistencies with some tests that had to be investigated. ...

I have lived in Niagara Falls, NY, my entire life. I have seen the Falls many, many times over the years. I've seen them just walking in the park to watch the fireworks down there. I've seen them by boat, on the Maid of the Mist , at least 5 or 6 times (the last Maid trip, it hailed while we were also being pelted by rain and mist from the Falls themselves! lol). I have yet to see the Falls from behind in the Cave of the Winds , but hopefully soon! This summer, I saw the great Niagara Falls and beyond from a view I had always been told I should see them from, but was never really sure I wanted to....FROM ABOVE!! In June, after one of the fun casino trips with the seniors at the nursing home, I decided to drive around downtown to see the streets and possible places to park if I ever decided I wanted to go to one of the many events happening during the summer. I eventually ended up near the helipad of Rainbow Air . With a few moments of hesitation, I thought, why not go over th...