Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Today I watched the animated movie from Pixar called Zootopia. I met my sister at the theater with the kids since they are on spring break for two weeks. It was the first time I'd ever seen a movie in 3D, and as much as I thought it would probably make me sick (which is why I've always avoided such movies), I actually did ok with it! It was a cute and funny movie, but also had a great message behind it. I got a little emotional with the one song included in the film by Shakira. It's called Try Everything. Hopefully the link works and you can listen to the words.


I enjoyed the movie, and on my way home I kept thinking about how crappy I have felt in the past year, not only physically but emotionally. I got home and completely lost it. I spoke to myself out loud for quite a long time. I have been dealing with anxiety on a daily basis for a year since I broke up with K, and in the last couple months depression has also appeared. The medication I've been on for almost 2 months to try to help has sort of worked a little, but not as much as I had hoped. I see my psychiatrist next week, and I don't know what the next step will be yet. I'm guessing he'll want to add something, since trying to increase the med I'm on didn't go well when I tried 3 weeks ago. Honestly, I don't want to add anything. I don't even want to be on what I'm already on. I've been doing meditation at a yoga studio near me for a little over a week, and I plan to continue going for as much as I can. I'm also looking into acupuncture to see if that helps any. I spoke with my PH nurse today, who told me that some of their PH patients have used acupuncture for a variety of reasons, and they don't have a problem with it.

But I told myself when I got home, that no matter what I do, I seriously have to start working harder at the reasons behind my anxiety and depression. It's not just related to the breakup anymore. That is done. That was a bit over a year ago. K. is no longer in my life, and he isn't a reason to be anxious anymore. What has been bothering me every day is the feeling that I'm not doing enough with my life. Sure, I'm keeping very busy every day doing things, whether it's going to rehab or volunteering, or going to the yoga studio, or meeting someone for coffee, or going to a movie. Right now, though, I'm seeing it all as just doing something, and not as a part of my life. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I guess it doesn't matter since it makes sense to me. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, I keep feeling it's not right. 

Tonight, in the midst of streaming tears, I started telling myself that I had a year of changes. One big change was losing a man who couldn't tell me his feelings about me at all. I lost a man who saw life as one big lousy thing and that nothing or no one mattered. I lost a man who I finally knew in my heart wasn't the man who was meant for me. Yes, I learned a lot in the time I was with him, and it wasn't all bad. But I also learned what I hope to not find again. I learned that as much as it sucked to let go, it was something I really had to do or else I was just going to continue to be with a man who didn't want more than someone to hang out with and not commit to. 

I also had to take a look at what I didn't lose. I didn't lose the ability to help others living with PH. I kept up with the support group meetings for last year, and I am working on the meetings for this year. Although I haven't really been in the chat rooms, I was still doing that once in awhile. I also learned that I have the ability to help anyone. I took the jump and started volunteering. I didn't find the SPCA appealing (even though I love cats and dogs, I just didn't feel it when I went to the orientation). But I found the nursing home was a great fit. It was a bit hard at first, because I hadn't been to a nursing home in forever, and I wasn't used to seeing the residents in various conditions. Some of them are able to do things, some of them don't seem like they are there, even though they are. I enjoy being there, and I'm glad I can be helpful in a different area other than the PH world. 

I got back into doing jewelry, and I still paint wine glasses and bottles (when I actually make the time for it). Is that wasting time or doing nothing important? No, it's not. It's a different venue of being creative. I can make pretty things and hopefully other people would like to have them. Or, I can make something as a gift, or a surprise. I can do these things when I'm not feeling great, or I can do it on a cold, crappy day. Much better than trying to go out to a job in horrible weather, or taking a day off that I might not have if I'm feeling sick. Right?? Right!!

I also had to remind myself that I go to rehab, I go to yoga and meditation, I eat healthy like I do, to take care of myself. That is nothing to get anxious about!! If I didn't take care of my body, I wouldn't be able to do as much as I can, and that would really suck. I am incredibly blessed that I can do as much as I can, because I know there are many PHers out there who cannot do anything at all. I know I've been pushing myself lately, and I'm pretty tired from keeping myself far too busy, but I'm thankful that I can do what I can. 

This is my life. It's full of keeping myself healthy. It's full of helping others, PHers, elderly people, family and friends, strangers in a store or wherever I go! It's full of creativity in the ability I've acquired in making things! I'm also a cat mommy again, something I forgot to mention, so I'm full of love for another cute animal that happens to also love me! And I can do pretty much anything I want at any day. If I need a down day because I'm not feeling well, I can take it. There is nothing wrong with it!! 

There is nothing wrong with how I'm living my life!! I'm doing pretty much the same things I was doing before even meeting K, except I've added a few new things to my routine, and that is good!! So, I am going to just try to remind myself this every friggin day, because I don't want to be anxious about this anymore. I don't want to be in depression anymore. I don't want to keep taking a medication to help me anymore, even though I know it might be helping for now (kinda). My life has purpose, and God has allowed me to find and discover the things that I can do, and figure out the things I can't. I hope and pray that telling myself this often will lead me back to the happy-go-lucky gal I used to be, and I know I want to be again!!