Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Feeling Down

The past several days, I haven't felt like myself. While I do laugh and joke with my family and friends, either in person or on the phone, a couple things have been bothering me lately. My father is one of them, because of his non-chalant attitude about his prostate cancer that I can't understand. I'm trying to just "let go" of my worries about it, since there isn't much that I can do but pray that he actually does do something about it after July (he won't do anything until after my sister's wedding, July 29th). I think the stress of the whole situation is really getting to me, and I just can't let that happen. My health will start to deteriorate if I constantly worry about him right now.

Another sort of sadness started on Sunday night. I was supposed to be going to a good friend's wedding this coming Saturday. My friends, my sisters, and I have been looking forward to it for months. Not to mention my friend, who just last Thursday was telling perfect strangers about her plans. Sunday night, I was told that the wedding wasn't going to happen. At first I thought it was just a joke (now who would joke about that??), but slowly it started to sink in that it was very real. My friend's fiance...well, I guess ex-fiance now....told her he couldn't go through with it. My heart aches for her. I know that she is devastated, although I have yet to talk to her. I don't think she wants to talk to anyone just yet. I can't blame her. She truly thought this was the person for her, and she couldn't wait to be married and start a family. I guess it just wasn't what he wanted.

I just feel so horrible for my friend, and my biggest hope for her is that she can move on from this. It's obviously going to take quite some time for her to do that, but I hope that she can do it. I guess I feel sad because I know that she is hurting. And I guess it's still so hard to believe that it happened.

I guess what happened makes me feel relieved that I'm single. There are times when I wish I wasn't, but there are many times when I'm glad I am. I know not every guy is like the one my friend was going to marry, but just knowing that something like this could and does happen makes me feel glad I'm not in a relationship.

Sunday, April 23, 2006


My parents and I were out on the Boulevard today, picking up bridesmaid dresses, getting my dad's outfit for Lisa's wedding, and eating at Outback (boy was that tasty!). On the way home, we stopped at Mandy's house to drop off her dress, and her in-laws were visiting. We went upstairs to see Hailey and Mandy, and Ron's mom. Hailey was on the floor with Beverly (Ron's mom), and my mom and I said hi to her. When I said "Hi Hailey," she turned around to look at me, gave me this huge smile, and immediately left Beverly to crawl over to me! I just thought that was the cutest thing! She did that the other day when I stopped by to drop something off. She was in the middle of the backyard on a blanket, and when she saw me, she started smiling and crawling toward me. I guess she must really love her Aunt Colleen! :-D

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Ooops, I Forgot!

I was quite busy yesterday, that I guess I totally forgot about the date. I usually pay attention to anniversaries, even when they aren't nice ones. Well, April 19th is a date that means alot for several reasons. First of all, it's been 11 years since the Oklahoma City bombing. The only connection I have to that is that Timothy McVeigh used to live about 25 minutes from where I live. April 19th was also the day my Dad got into a bad accident at work, 11 years ago. He is still having complications from it, even after having 2 knee surgeries. Now his doctor is suggesting knee replacement surgery. It seems to never end for him. April 19th is also the day that I had to quit my preschool job, 6 years ago. It sometimes seems like yesterday when that happened, but I realize how much it had to happen. I wouldn't be here today if I had chose to ignore my doctor and kept on working. I'm much better health-wise than I was back then! Money-wise, well that's a different story. lol

Maybe forgetting about April 19th this year was a sign that those bad things aren't that important now. It's better to look at where I am today, and how much better things are than what they were in the past. Hopefully I'll keep thinking that way from now on!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Just Some Stuff

It seems like nothing much has been going on since I last wrote, but really, there has. Maybe it just hasn't been too thrilling to write about. lol

Last week I started taking L-arginine. My PH specialist suggested I take it if I wanted to go a more natural route, or I could try Viagra. Yes, I said Viagra! See, I had asked him about adding something to what I've been taking, to give me a little more oompf. I have been doing well on my lung medicine, but there have been times where I've felt I needed just a little something more to give me extra energy. Hence, the Viagra suggestion, or L-arginine. And with everything I've read online so far, L-arginine works in just about the same way Viagra would work. It opens up the blood vessels more, so that more blood can flow through, especially to areas that would need it most. In my case, that would be my lungs. Interestingly enough, when Viagra was first created, it was intended for heart patients. During studies, they discovered a little side effect. lol Because of that side effect, they decided it would market better for men! Well, now it's being used for many PH patients, just under a different brand name, so there isn't much of a stigma. Especially for women who are on it! lol

Well anyhow, I started L-arginine last Thursday, so it's getting close to a week of being on it. I'm not sure if it's truly helping yet, but I'm hoping that it will. I got back into exercising last Thurs, too, after not doing anything for 2 weeks due to my cold. It's been a slow process getting back into a routine. There have been a couple days where I've just felt horrible trying to walk. And sometimes it's depressing. I don't want to feel as badly as I do sometimes, I just want to exercise and get on with my day. But I'm slowly getting into it, and I'm hoping that this L-arginine stuff will help me out a bit more. Or I'm trying Viagra next! lol

Easter was very nice. I went to church with my family, and also sat with my friend, Dee, and her family. Hailey was such a good baby during the mass! And she was just too cute in her little Easter dress. My Dad told me Hailey held on to his pinky finger during the Our Father. How adorable is that?? After church, we took some pictures in front of my sister's house. Then I went to my parents' house for dinner later in the afternoon. It was a nice evening, and Hailey was great entertainment! She is really crawling around, and also trying to stand every chance she gets. Mandy says she can't wait until Hailey can walk, but I told her she better take that back. If she thinks her life is chaotic now trying to keep up with her, wait until she walks!! lol By the time I got back home, I was really exhausted. I ended up going to bed a lot earlier than usual!

This week so far hasn't been too bad. Yesterday I visited Erin and her cute little girl for a while. Today, I've just been doing odd things here and there. I had to reinstall AIM, which ended up being a newer version, and so much better than what I had before! I exercised in the afternoon, rather than the morning, and I seemed to do a bit better. I also started putting away winter clothes, and taking out some spring/summer stuff. It's still a little cool on some days to be wearing summer shirts (at least for me it is), but the bulky sweaters had to go!

I've been watching a group of little kids playing in their backyard on a swingset for the past couple hours. They are on the next block over, but I can see their backyard from here. They remind me of playing with my sisters for hours in our backyard on our swingset when we were little. I miss being a little kid sometimes. They have no worries like we do as adults. Their biggest concerns are what to play next, who did what to whom, and so on. I wish I could have that carefree life again! lol

Well, guess that's it for now. I should go start dinner, although I don't know what I want! See, that's another thing little kids don't have to worry about, what to make for dinner! hehe Til next time.....

Monday, April 10, 2006

Missing Green Stuff

In the past couple weeks, I've felt the money pinch. Well, I always feel the pinch, but some months aren't as bad as others. It's months like this one, where I have to pay an extra bill (water bill, and for one person who doesn't use that much water, it's really high!), plan for a friend's birthday, pay for my car's inspection, and a few unexpected needs along the way that make me stress out completely. And this month isn't as bad as May is going to be! I really hate May, there is toooo much going on in this month that causes me to want to choke financially. I guess the lack of funds makes me feel like I'm destitute. That's not the case. I can pay my bills every month, which is a blessing. I just hardly ever have enough money for myself, to get something I really want. And when I do have money for something, I feel torn about really getting something. For example, I bought 2 bottles of nailpolish today, they weren't even a dollar. Yet I felt really guilty about it afterward. I looked at watches today, and didn't get one because I knew I didn't have the money. I desparately need a new watch. Mine has been slowing down alot, leaving me behind time, and I've super-glued the watch band together so many times that I'm not sure it'll last one more time! It's just really frustrating!!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Shouldn't Have Gone to Cleveland :(

Well, we drove to Cleveland on Monday morning, despite the fact that I was still feeling sick. I made it through most of my appointments, until the end. I did my 6-minute walk (a regular test for PH patients), and when I was finished, I was so cold that I started shaking uncontrollably when I got back to my parents in the waiting area. After 10 minutes of that, my mom finally went to tell someone. They got me in to see my specialist right away, and he wrote me a script for an antibiotic. I did get to ask him about adding something to my medicines to help me with my PH symptoms, but we didn't really get to talk about much in length. I decided to cancel the appointments I had the next morning, and we left for home Monday night. So the entire trip was kind of a bust, and I wish that I had just cancelled everything.

The only ironic thing about the trip was that on my walk, I went 200 meters farther than I did the last time! Go figure! lol Off to bed I go, again!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Going to Cleveland...Hopefully

I am supposed to be leaving in the morning for another round of appointments at the Cleveland Clinic. I've actually been looking forward to it, since I want to ask my PH specialist several things. However, I woke up this morning sick. Yes, that's right, sick!! After spending an entire winter avoiding and narrowly missing colds, I now have one! This really blows! I don't want to cancel my appointments, though. Right now, what I'm feeling is post nasal drip, a slight cough, and I had a small fever earlier (my mom said it wasn't high enough to be a fever, but I had chills, and my forehead was hot!). I've been taking that Mucinex stuff, and some Tylenol for pain. So I guess we'll see how I am tomorrow. I really hate that I am sick now!! But maybe that means I won't get sick again until the fall?? I sure hope so!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Tea For Two...Or 14 In This Case!

My good friend, Monique, is getting married exactly 4 weeks from today! She had a big huge bridal shower a month ago with about 100 women, but today, there were 14 of us. She didn't know where, she didn't know who was going to be there. It was at a cute little place, called The White Linen Tea House. There were many rooms where groups of people (ok, women really, what guy would go for tea?? lol) could sit and have tea and sandwiches, and a variety of desserts. I had never been to a place like this before, and I found it rather nice! It was relaxing, the food was good, and I have fallen in love with scones! I've never had them before! They also had a lot of tea choices to pick, and you get your own pot of hot water to brew whatever you've chosen. I picked vanilla, very tasty! So we all ate, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company! It was a very fun afternoon with my friends!