Daily Ponderings

Besides the guy from Canada, I was kind of talking to another guy in Buffalo. My first instinct of him when I got email from him was don't go there! But for some reason, I did. I talked to him for a few days, but was realizing that his, and these are his words, "I want to rule the world some day" attitude, just didn't fly with me. He also asked me, after describing my health, if I had a hard time with sex. That did it, I knew then I didn't want to meet him! But I didn't really tell him, I still talked to him for about 2 more days. But when he kept wanting to meet me like yesterday, I just decided not to call him again. So he left a message the other day saying he wanted to meet Friday, and if he didn't hear from me, he thought I might be "that kind of girl." I don't even know what that means! I also thought, did he really think I'd want to go out with someone who is degrading or putting someone down he doesn't even know?? ...

I have been talking to a really nice guy for the past week. It almost seems as if we've been talking for years, actually! He is from Canada, but originally from Scotland. We have so much in common, it's scary sometimes! He also has a heart condition, and may one day need a transplant. He loves to write, and has tried children's books. He is into art, graphic design. He is just a wonderful person to talk to, and I hope to meet him at some point! I think it's been helpful to know that there is someone out there other than "him." I haven't been talking to "him" too much lately anyway, which has sort of helped me. Because for a while there, I think I was just getting too depressed about everything. Now that I've been talking to this other guy, even if nothing happens between us, I've at least gotten my mind off the other one.

"Drowning in a sea of sorrow, trying to find a way to the surface. Then, I remember...I do not know how to swim." --me

I'm trying not to make too big a deal of this, but last night, I told "him" about how I have felt about him for the last few years. He took it okay, but it got to a point where I wasn't sure if he was saying stuff b/c I had told my feelings, or if he really meant it. I think I might have made him mad, although he didn't say he was. I'm just confused! However, I'm also trying not to make this a big deal. I'm sure nothing will change, it never did before, when I told him almost 4 years ago how I felt. Damn, it's been that long?? Ugh, will I ever get him out of my head?? Actually, it's more like will I ever get him out of my heart. :(