Daily Ponderings

I am so happy this Thanksgiving! First of all, I am always thankful for my family and friends, who have been there for me when I've needed them. My health hasn't always been easy to deal with, yet it's a little easier when I have such wonderful people who are around me to give me courage to get through the tough times. Second, I found out yesterday that my liver enzymes went back down to normal, which means I can still take Tracleer! I actually had tears when I found out. I know every month might be if-fy with this medicine, but at least for now I know everything is ok. So it has been a happy Thanksgiving! :)

I go to get my bloodwork done again today, to check and see if my liver enzymes went up more. I keep hoping they didn't, but I'm not panicking like I was a week ago. I think it's b/c we went to that healing mass last Tuesday, and after going, I've just felt a calmness I can't explain. I just hope that I will have something to be thankful for on Thursday, although I am thankful for many things already. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Jenny called me back shortly after my last post. She said my liver enzymes were up slightly, but not enough for my dr. to change anything, or discontinue the medicine. While that is good news for now, that makes me worry that in 2 weeks when I get them checked again, it'll be worse. I know I can't worry about it for 2 weeks, I just have to pray that things will be ok.

While I was babysitting this afternoon, Jenny called and left a message to call her about my coumadin and liver enzyme test results. I don't know, I could be panicking, but it seemed like it was urgent. I truly hope it doesn't mean that the Tracleer is starting to effect my liver. I really pray that's not what it is. I couldn't get back to her today b/c the office was closed by the time I got home. Now I have to wait until tomorrow. I know I can't get too worked up about it, b/c I don't know what she'll tell me at all. I just hope I won't have to stop taking Tracleer. I've never felt so good in my life, like I'm able to do things. It's such a wonderful feeling! Yet I worry that it's not working to my benefit. I truly don't want to go on Flolan. Ok, now I need to stop b/c I'm driving myself nuts. Hope I have good news the next time I write.....

I have been so happy about exercising lately. And that's because I'm not getting as tired as I used to! And I can walk a lot more! I've done a mile at least for the past several days, and the feeling is just wonderful! It is so amazing when taking a medicine can make a huge difference. I almost feel like crying at times. Granted, I still do get tired at times, but it's not as much as before. I can definitely tell there's been a change. My hope now is that this change will last for quite a while. For a long time, really! I have high hopes, but I can never be sure what my tests at Cleveland will actually be like when I go there again. But right now, all I know is that I'm happy! :)

Although I've been feeling pretty good physically lately, emotionally I sometimes feel I'm not doing so hot. I've just felt sad the past several days, and it's mainly b/c I feel so lonely. I'm involved in 2 weddings coming up next year, and although I'm very happy for my good friend and my sister, I just keep feeling like it's never going to happen for me. I also keep feeling that there really is only one person I'd really want to be with, and I know that will never happen. We'll always be very good friends, that will never change. And I should be happy that it will be that way, but I just really wish it was more. I can't get him out of my heart. I realize that I feel for him way more than what I've felt for some other guys, like an intense crush that eventually goes away. I don't feel this is a crush, the feelings I've had for him have gone on for years. As hard as I try to push him out of my mind that way, the feeling never...