Friday, December 23, 2016

Empty

I am constantly struggling every day with what I'm DOING every day. And if what I'm doing is worthwhile. I think because I don't have a job, I feel like I'm wasting my time. And yet, my heart knows this isn't true. But my mind is having huge conflicts with this, and I just don't know how to get over it. It's the biggest cause of my anxiety, and some days it's just terrible. I keep telling myself the only person judging me on how I live my life is ME. ME alone!! And there is no reason for that! I am proud of myself for the things that I have found to do to fill many of my days....like exercising, yoga, meditation, volunteering, painting, etc....and yet, I feel like they mean nothing. I tell myself over and over again that my life isn't like anyone else's, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I just wish I could learn not to be so hard on myself. This issue would bother me once in awhile, but it's been awful since breaking up with the ex. My sense of purpose seems to have gone down the drain, even though I have worked so hard in the last year and a half to build and add to my life things that I never did even while I was dating the ex, or before that. I hope and pray every day that I can find ways to learn that MY LIFE IS GOOD NO MATTER WHAT I AM DOING. I repeat it all the time. It's just a matter of believing it that I'm struggling with on a daily basis!!

Sunday, December 04, 2016

A Little Update

So, after reading a couple comments left on my last post, and some of Facebook, I was very open and honest with A. after we watched the Bill sadly lose their game today (UGH, such high hopes crushed in the 2nd half lol). I could tell he was a little alarmed as I was telling him how I was feeling, but I made sure he knew it wasn't anything he was doing. I told him the things I enjoyed about him, and that some things I'm still trying to get used to since I hadn't had that in my previous relationship, and that yes, there was a part of me holding back a little. I told him it might take some time, but doesn't building a relationship take time anyway?? See, these are things I need to constantly tell myself! lol I also told him if I feel I need to distance myself, to realize that it's not him, it's me and that I need to just take a breath and gather my thoughts. I also told him hugs were greatly appreciated. We certainly did that tonight, and I do feel a bit better that I talked to him about how I'd been feeling and how insidious anxiety can be to overcome. He seemed to be understanding and he hugged me for the longest time while I cried. And right before he left the house to go home, he told me I was worth it.

So, anxiety?? You're going to lose because I WANT to win! I want to get to know this man more, and I do NOT want to be afraid to fall for him, because he certainly seems like the type of man who is worth keeping around. And as I told my friend just now, "The future only works when you take it one day at a time." I need to remember this!!

Dating Anxieties

Back in May, even though I was anxious about it, I put myself back into the dating world by creating a profile on one of those dating websites. It happens to be free, which I can afford, but it really has some interesting characters. Well, I suppose the ones you pay for do as well, but that wasn't the route I could really go down. Anyway, I have chatted with many guys since then. Some don't last past a few conversations, some have led to meeting in person, but then nothing after that. A few I texted for awhile, but nothing really happened. It's been an up and down roller coaster, but at least I've been getting myself out there, or at least trying to.

During the last week of October, a guy sent me a message, and after some back and forth messages, we talked on the phone for awhile one night. He seemed rather nice, we had a lot to chat about, so we met in person on November 1st. He's a handsome guy with nice eyes, even though he says they are a boring brown. I think his eyelashes make his eyes look full of kindness, if that is somehow possible. We spent a couple hours chatting and yes, I even brought up the fact that I deal with anxiety. I feel sometimes it's nothing I can hide, and sometimes it gives anxiety a little less power if I actually acknowledge it. When it was time to go, he walked me to my car and asked if he could see me again. I said yes, because he did seem interesting and I wanted to see him!

We ended up meeting out 2 days later for drinks, and had another good night just talking about all sorts of stuff. When he walked me to my car this time, he kissed me. And gosh darn it, he was a good kisser! He told me the same about myself. We have seen each other many times since, and it's just over a month that I met him. I have had fun with him, but there is just something that is making me terribly anxious in the last couple days that is making me wonder if I can keep dating him.

He's done nothing to make me feel that way. I know he likes me, he tells me that. He compliments me all the time, something I'm not quite used to since I hardly had that with the ex. He texts me often to see how I'm doing. We've gone out to a few different places, which I like because I don't always like to just hang out at home and watch movies. He's a genuinely nice guy, and I do like him, but I'm questioning everything and anxiety is making me want to back off. I'm also wondering if it's because I know he really likes me, and I'm not feeling that way yet, and I'm wondering if I'll ever get to that point. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including my own, but is a month too early to judge?? Do I even talk to him about how I'm feeling? I honestly feel I need to because I don't know how to just calm the hell down without being anxious for weeks, and every time I see him. Why can't I just enjoy his company?? If I end things with him, does that mean if I meet someone else eventually, I will start doing the same thing?? I don't want anxiety to keep interrupting dating, especially if I do meet someone like this guy and I'm pushing him away for no reason! I really hate this!! He is coming over soon to watch the Bills game (I was supposed to go over to his place, but since I barely slept last night and I'm tired, he offered to come my way.....another reason why he's not doing anything wrong!!). I keep praying for a sign on what to do today in regards to him. I really hate anxiety!!