Back in May, even though I was anxious about it, I put myself back into the dating world by creating a profile on one of those dating websites. It happens to be free, which I can afford, but it really has some interesting characters. Well, I suppose the ones you pay for do as well, but that wasn't the route I could really go down. Anyway, I have chatted with many guys since then. Some don't last past a few conversations, some have led to meeting in person, but then nothing after that. A few I texted for awhile, but nothing really happened. It's been an up and down roller coaster, but at least I've been getting myself out there, or at least trying to.
During the last week of October, a guy sent me a message, and after some back and forth messages, we talked on the phone for awhile one night. He seemed rather nice, we had a lot to chat about, so we met in person on November 1st. He's a handsome guy with nice eyes, even though he says they are a boring brown. I think his eyelashes make his eyes look full of kindness, if that is somehow possible. We spent a couple hours chatting and yes, I even brought up the fact that I deal with anxiety. I feel sometimes it's nothing I can hide, and sometimes it gives anxiety a little less power if I actually acknowledge it. When it was time to go, he walked me to my car and asked if he could see me again. I said yes, because he did seem interesting and I wanted to see him!
We ended up meeting out 2 days later for drinks, and had another good night just talking about all sorts of stuff. When he walked me to my car this time, he kissed me. And gosh darn it, he was a good kisser! He told me the same about myself. We have seen each other many times since, and it's just over a month that I met him. I have had fun with him, but there is just something that is making me terribly anxious in the last couple days that is making me wonder if I can keep dating him.
He's done nothing to make me feel that way. I know he likes me, he tells me that. He compliments me all the time, something I'm not quite used to since I hardly had that with the ex. He texts me often to see how I'm doing. We've gone out to a few different places, which I like because I don't always like to just hang out at home and watch movies. He's a genuinely nice guy, and I do like him, but I'm questioning everything and anxiety is making me want to back off. I'm also wondering if it's because I know he really likes me, and I'm not feeling that way yet, and I'm wondering if I'll ever get to that point. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including my own, but is a month too early to judge?? Do I even talk to him about how I'm feeling? I honestly feel I need to because I don't know how to just calm the hell down without being anxious for weeks, and every time I see him. Why can't I just enjoy his company?? If I end things with him, does that mean if I meet someone else eventually, I will start doing the same thing?? I don't want anxiety to keep interrupting dating, especially if I do meet someone like this guy and I'm pushing him away for no reason! I really hate this!! He is coming over soon to watch the Bills game (I was supposed to go over to his place, but since I barely slept last night and I'm tired, he offered to come my way.....another reason why he's not doing anything wrong!!). I keep praying for a sign on what to do today in regards to him. I really hate anxiety!!