Daily Ponderings

I am constantly struggling every day with what I'm DOING every day. And if what I'm doing is worthwhile. I think because I don't have a job, I feel like I'm wasting my time. And yet, my heart knows this isn't true. But my mind is having huge conflicts with this, and I just don't know how to get over it. It's the biggest cause of my anxiety, and some days it's just terrible. I keep telling myself the only person judging me on how I live my life is ME. ME alone!! And there is no reason for that! I am proud of myself for the things that I have found to do to fill many of my days....like exercising, yoga, meditation, volunteering, painting, etc....and yet, I feel like they mean nothing. I tell myself over and over again that my life isn't like anyone else's, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I just wish I could learn not to be so hard on myself. This issue would bother me once in awhile, but it's been awful since breaking up with the ex....

So, after reading a couple comments left on my last post, and some of Facebook, I was very open and honest with A. after we watched the Bill sadly lose their game today (UGH, such high hopes crushed in the 2nd half lol). I could tell he was a little alarmed as I was telling him how I was feeling, but I made sure he knew it wasn't anything he was doing. I told him the things I enjoyed about him, and that some things I'm still trying to get used to since I hadn't had that in my previous relationship, and that yes, there was a part of me holding back a little. I told him it might take some time, but doesn't building a relationship take time anyway?? See, these are things I need to constantly tell myself! lol I also told him if I feel I need to distance myself, to realize that it's not him, it's me and that I need to just take a breath and gather my thoughts. I also told him hugs were greatly appreciated. We certainly did that tonight, and I do feel a bit better tha...

Back in May, even though I was anxious about it, I put myself back into the dating world by creating a profile on one of those dating websites. It happens to be free, which I can afford, but it really has some interesting characters. Well, I suppose the ones you pay for do as well, but that wasn't the route I could really go down. Anyway, I have chatted with many guys since then. Some don't last past a few conversations, some have led to meeting in person, but then nothing after that. A few I texted for awhile, but nothing really happened. It's been an up and down roller coaster, but at least I've been getting myself out there, or at least trying to. During the last week of October, a guy sent me a message, and after some back and forth messages, we talked on the phone for awhile one night. He seemed rather nice, we had a lot to chat about, so we met in person on November 1st. He's a handsome guy with nice eyes, even though he says they are a boring brown. I think...

Tonight during meditation class, we had to focus on certain things, and I kind of wandered off topic in my head to make myself make sense of my current life. Although I am busy, going out almost every day, I still think I am not doing anything with my life. And yet, it's so untrue. So I looked back at what my life was like before K, and even while going out with him. I exercised, sometimes worked on jewelry, did housework when needed, and spent a huge amount of often wasted time on the internet. While dating K, I did much of the same, except I often waited to see what/when/where I could spend time with him.  I often found myself getting to the weekend and leaving it wide open to see what we'd do, instead of making plans with other people, or actually just spending time doing something on my own. Tonight I realized that during the time I went out with K, I spent so much of my time doing minute things, and the rest of the time was spent waiting to see what I'd do with a man w...

Today was a decent day. Today I did my best, and I am proud of myself. I made a necklace set for a phriend who asked for a certain color before I went to volunteer at the nursing home. I took a couple pictures of it so I could send it to her through Facebook, and later on, she told me she loved it. Yay! Whenever I get her check, I will send it out to her! I'm glad she asked me to make it. I love it when people have requests. I got another request this morning from another phriend, for a shot glass. I will have to work on that this weekend! Volunteering was good today. I did a room visit with one of the ladies that works in the Activities Room, and then went back to Activities. A resident, Jimmy, was there. Usually he is waiting for me to play a game with him. So I asked about Blackjack. We played that for about an hour before he went back to his room. There were a bunch of other residents in the room after awhile, and I helped some of them do puzzles and play a game. Just chattin...

Today I watched the animated movie from Pixar called Zootopia. I met my sister at the theater with the kids since they are on spring break for two weeks. It was the first time I'd ever seen a movie in 3D, and as much as I thought it would probably make me sick (which is why I've always avoided such movies), I actually did ok with it! It was a cute and funny movie, but also had a great message behind it. I got a little emotional with the one song included in the film by Shakira. It's called Try Everything. Hopefully the link works and you can listen to the words. I enjoyed the movie, and on my way home I kept thinking about how crappy I have felt in the past year, not only physically but emotionally. I got home and completely lost it. I spoke to myself out loud for quite a long time. I have been dealing with anxiety on a daily basis for a year since I broke up with K, and in the last couple months depression has also appeared. The medication I've been on for alm...

I let Mittens, my beautiful Maine coon cat, my little man, my monster, the love of my life (just a few names I gave him over the years) go to heaven on December 23, 2015. He had been sick for over a year, but really wasn't himself in the last few months of his life. He was another part of the anxiety I'd been dealing with, because I wasn't ready to lose him, but I also wanted to know exactly when it was the right time to let him go.  Back in August 2014, I discovered a lump on the right side of his cheek. It was odd, but after it grew a bit more in another month or so, I finally found a vet to look at it. Well, it was a tumor. There wasn't any way to find out  if it was cancerous or not unless it was removed. I didn't have money to do that, but after two more trips to the vet to have the area around the tumor drained (and a seriously stressed out Mittens), I finally decided what the heck? I would do surgery for him. I cashed some bonds, put some savings together,...

I have been having an incredibly hard time with anxiety and depression for over a year now. Well, it really started with anxiety. I had a several long spells of anxiety that I didn't recognize as such until many months later. The first time was in August 2014 after my friend's wedding, when I somehow hurt my neck. I was trying to get it better so that I could go on a week long vacation with K. to North Carolina. But during that time, I wasn't sleeping well at night, and it never got better, even on vacation. I would wake up after being so exhausted within a few hours, and then couldn't get back to sleep. This went on for over a week, and after we got home, it kinda went away eventually. I was so relieved! And then it happened again when K. and I went to Cleveland for my appts a week after coming back from North Carolina. It didn't seem to last as long. I still didn't recognize that I was having anxiety. I thought it was just bad sleeping issues, and just feeling...