The End of Summer

Many months ago, I had a very vivid dream about meeting Mason. I went out west to California to where he was living while waiting for his transplant, and my mom was with me. Mason was in a wheelchair, and we had to help him get in our van so we could go somewhere to eat. We ended up at a mall, and then suddenly Sammy was there and Mason's mom, Janet. I remember feeling sad because Mason wasn't feeling all that great, and so we had to bring him home. But I had at least gotten to meet him, despite him not doing so well. I told him this dream the next morning, and he was just happy to hear about the part of meeting me.

Several weeks later, I had another vivid dream about meeting Mason, only this time Mason was very healthy! He actually came here, and he helped me around with my o2 as we visited all the places I had planned on showing him when he had wanted to make a trip to the Falls almost a year ago. We spent the day very happy, and I could actually hear our laughter in my dream. It felt so real. Again I told Mason about the dream the next morning, and he liked it very much!

Today was the unofficial end of summer, and even though I'm usually sad when Labor Day arrives, this year I wasn't. My summer ended the day that Mason died. I begged God so much to let him live, to let him get new lungs again, to let us be able to meet each other in person and have so much fun like the second dream I had of us meeting. I cannot begin to understand why God needed Mason back so badly, but that is not something I am supposed to question. I'm still trying to do my best to accept it, and to appreciate the time I had to get to know such a great young man. Next Monday (the 14th) will be three months since he passed away, and although I am doing better than I was when he first died, I still have my moments when something triggers the tears.

Summer was also sucky weather-wise. It doesn't help when I look forward so much to summer and heat and then we hardly have any of it, and fall starts up soon after. I'm already dreading fall. I do terribly when the weather changes. Summer to fall seems to be the worst for me. I hate waking up in the mornings feeling cold, and yet it's not cold enough to turn on the heat. I also get rather short of breath doing things, and it makes me feel like I'm getting worse PH-wise, which I know is not the case. But of course, it leaves me to question whether I am getting worse anyway! It's just an aggravating time of the year!

This weekend I really felt terrible, very exhausted and I had some chest pain. It was really bad on Saturday. I thought it had to do with the weather, which was weird because even though I get SOB, I don't usually have chest pain. By the time Sunday night rolled around, I realized what the pain was coming from: filling up Artie! I have to press down rather hard on the big reservoirs while filling him up, and since I'm only a foot taller than the reservoir, I'm putting a lot of pressure in my chest. Soooooo, I am going to try using a stool, and if that doesn't work, a chair! I don't want it to be a major issue, because if I keep getting pain, there is no way I can keep the liquid o2. I'm really hoping the stool will be the answer!


Mortimer said…
I am sorry that the end of summer has such bad connotations for you. Personally, I look forward to the end of this particular season. No more shoobies, the cooler weather, Halloween and no more sunblock. Your memories of Mason make him live through your writings. For that, you should be happy. I feel his specialness coming through your words. That's a great testament to him.
Jen said…
Wow..what vivid dreams..I know you to would have had a blast when you met...
I don't understand why God did not let Mason get his new lungs...I know it is so unfair..but you are right we are not to question that..He is greatly missed..

Hope the chest tightness and SOB resolved for you...Better days are ahead :)))

Hugs..Luve ya ...:))

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