Daily Ponderings

The first weekend of May will be mostly PH-related for me. Saturday will be my PH support group meeting, and we'll be discussing the benefits of pulmonary rehab. I'm happy that someone from the rehab center I go to will talk to my group, and even show us the gym because the meeting is in the same hospital I go for rehab, and the meeting room is right down the hall from it! The group should go well, and I'm happy to be seeing many of my regulars at the meeting. I only do them twice a year now, so it's always nice to see the familiar faces, although newbies are always more than welcome, too! At some point Sunday, my parents and I will be driving to Cleveland. We usually need to stay the night since my appointments are never late enough for us to just drive there in the early morning. Unless we want to get up at 4am to leave by 4:30. Nooooooo thank you. Monday will be my tests and doctor visits. I'm not expecting any surprises. And yet I keep saying that, and watch, so...

It's hard to believe that May is right around the corner. I'm not quite sure where this month went. It seemed to just zoom by. I had to glance at my calendar to see if there was anything significant I did in the past several weeks, and there were a few things listed. I seem to have a very short memory lately. I went out to dinner on Saturday with a bunch of friends to celebrate Dee's 36th birthday. While it was a really fun time, I kinda got sad listening to a few of them talk about guys and dating. They were really frustrated with men, and the lack of decent ones out there. One of my friends was supposed to be married 4 years this month, but her ex-fiance broke it off a week before they were going to walk down the aisle. She knows now how much that was a blessing, but ever since then, the relationships she has had have been aggravating. And it seems no guy out there is willing to make the commitments anymore, or maybe it's just that she still hasn't found that one ...

The change of seasons usually brings me more shortness of breath and tiredness, but the change into spring especially is torture. Not only do I feel like I'm catching my breath doing simple things, but my face feels like someone has taken a hammer to it. I don't have allergies. Thank goodness! I don't have a runny nose or itchy eyes, I'm not sneezing or anything, and I've never been like that growing up. But the past several years have brought sinus headaches, and this week has been so crappy. I've had a sinus headache for 4 days now. A couple days they've felt like sinus migraines. This morning I took an Excedrin Migraine about 10 minutes after I woke up. I really hate taking it, and I usually try to wait as long as possible before taking Exedrin or Tylenol, but I knew I'd be in trouble if I didn't take it this morning. It really didn't work as well as I hoped, but I still went to pulmonary rehab, and then met my friend for lunch. I guess I'...

I have noticed that ever since I've become a part of the Wellsphere website, my blog has been getting many new visitors. I've received a couple new readers who have left kind comments (thank you so much), and I realize that I probably have many silent readers who either don't have anything to say, or just don't know how to say it. I figured since my blog is looooooooong, considering I've had it at least 5 years, that perhaps I'd do an introduction of myself. And for any of my long-term readers out there, here's a reintroduction! I was diagnosed at 9 months old with congenital heart disease and pulmonary hypertension. Basically, my heart has 2 holes in it, and my lungs don't make it easy for me to breathe. My pulmonary artery is constricted, causing a lot of shortness of breath and fatigue when doing almost anything. Pulmonary hypertension (PH) was barely even known back when I was diagnosed, and my parents were told that it was too late to try closing th...

Yesterday I spent much of the day thinking about Euan while doing things jewelry-related. I really wish that it would have been one month of celebrating having his new heart. Instead, I thought about the six years of friendship that we had. I thought about the first message I received from him, and how that message piqued my curiosity. I thought about the first time we had met in person, and how much we really had in common. I remembered when we first discovered that we actually had more feelings for each other than we thought, how it surprised both of us because neither of us thought the other had felt the same. I remembered how wonderful it was to fall in love with him, and to actually have him return the feelings. I remember the evening we spent together here, visiting and laughing, and sharing a kiss that both of us still recalled with much fondness a couple years later. I remember the last conversation we had over a month ago, knowing how much we both were hoping that we could spe...

A year ago yesterday, I wrote to Euan asking him how he was doing after we hadn't spoken or written in almost 8 months. We had gotten mad at each other for a few reasons, and made the decision to part ways. In the month before I had finally emailed him again, all I could do was think about how he was doing and if he was ok. I had never stopped caring about him. I had never stopped loving him. I remember writing the email to him with shaky hands, because I was so nervous that he would either be mad that I wrote, or that something might have happened in those lost months of communication to him, and I wouldn't hear from him at all. I pressed the send key, and just had to hope for something. A year ago today, Euan wrote me back. He was happy to hear from me, and he apologized for what happened months ago. He had some ups and downs with his health in the months we didn't talk, but he was stable at the point when he had written. He said that he felt like he had lost his best fri...

The area around the buildings where my dad works often brings about a collection of different wildlife. While I've never seen anything except for hawks flying about searching for lunch or dinner when I've gone there, my dad has seen deer, foxes, I think coyotes, rabbits, and various other critters. For the past few years at least, a pair of Canadian geese have come to visit quite often. I think they get treats when my dad has them, because I can't imagine they'd come back all the time for nothing. Saturday, my dad heard honking, and turned to see a goose right near him. He looked around, but didn't see the goose's mate. The goose honked crazily at my dad, and turned around to walk toward one of the fences, as if it wanted my dad to follow it. Well, he did, and sadly found the other goose laying at the bottom of the fence. He isn't sure what happened, but thinks the goose must've hit the fence. He got some gloves and walked over to it, and realized that i...

Every day I seem to feel a tiny itsy bitsy better in the pain I've been feeling since Euan died. Very miniscule steps make me feel not so sad, although it's going to be a very long time until I'm just ok with it. There still isn't a moment I don't think about him, and I still have my crying spells, but it's not as bas as in the beginning. I almost feel guilty about it, but he would be proud of me. He'd want me to keep living, to keep helping others, to keep making jewelry, to just keep being me. So because of that, I try my best. This weekend is a busy one. I went to a baby shower today that was rather entertaining. Kat's brothers, Joey and Phil, put on the shower for her, and it was a small gathering of friends. I went with Mandy and Joan. We got there, and as soon as we walked in the door, I could hear dance music. That's Joey's doing! I was thinking, whoo hoo! We said hi to Kat, and she took us to see the baby's room. It was beautiful, lo...

April is the official month for Organ Donation Awareness. I never in my life thought I'd know so many people who've had a transplant, or are still in need of one. I guess that's what happens when you're living with an illness where a transplant could possibly be one of the last few resorts to treating the disease. While I have never undergone a transplant evaluation, it may one day be on the table for me if the meds I'm on stop being effective, and other possible meds don't work. When could that be? I'm not sure. It may be several years from now, and it may be never. I sure hope it would be never, but long ago, I did decide that I'd go through with a transplant if I needed one. I figured that God has gotten me this far along in life, I'm sure He'd see me through a life-changing surgery. In the past 2 months alone, I can count on one hand the people I know who have gone through successful lung transplants. All of them continue to do well. A couple...

I try to read our local newspaper online every night, mainly to see what's happening, but also to see who has died. Morbid? Maybe to some, but I just like to know. Last night, I found out a man who I grew up knowing a few doors down and across the street from my parents' house had died on Wednesday. It dawned on me that that must've been the reason why I had heard a fire truck roaring down my street Wednesday evening, slowing down near my parents' house (which got me a bit worried). An ambulance followed shortly after. They took him to the hospital, where he passed away a short time after. According to the paper, Mr. S. was 96 years old. 96. I knew he was old, but didn't realize he was that old. And still driving!! I'd always see his car, and whenver I did, I would always think to myself, "Aww, the S's." His wife was usually in the passenger seat, and they'd be on their way somewhere. I adored the S's. I don't know why. I'd be worri...