Passing Time and Starting Over
It's hard to believe that May is right around the corner. I'm not quite sure where this month went. It seemed to just zoom by. I had to glance at my calendar to see if there was anything significant I did in the past several weeks, and there were a few things listed. I seem to have a very short memory lately.
I went out to dinner on Saturday with a bunch of friends to celebrate Dee's 36th birthday. While it was a really fun time, I kinda got sad listening to a few of them talk about guys and dating. They were really frustrated with men, and the lack of decent ones out there. One of my friends was supposed to be married 4 years this month, but her ex-fiance broke it off a week before they were going to walk down the aisle. She knows now how much that was a blessing, but ever since then, the relationships she has had have been aggravating. And it seems no guy out there is willing to make the commitments anymore, or maybe it's just that she still hasn't found that one who is.
Talking about all this just got to me because I still really miss Euan. And even though I know he's never coming back, just the thought of starting over and trying to find someone to be with is upsetting. I didn't want to start over. I really wanted to be with him. I know that life doesn't always work the way we want it to. I keep wondering if we just really weren't never meant to be together anyway. Of course, I would have accepted that if he was still here. I just wanted to be a part of his life. I didn't want for him to pass away.
For the longest time I didn't mind being single. I fend for myself on my own, for the most part. I am happy with my friends and family, and just being able to do the things I want. But for the last several months, I've really been thinking about what my future holds. My parents aren't going to be around forever. Even if they continue to live for another several decades, eventually they aren't going to be able to help me the way they have been. I can't see my dad still trying to get buckets of litter for me when he's in his 80s. And my mom won't always be my grocery buddy. Then there are my sisters. Lisa lives in NC, so obviously she can't do anything for me (unless I move down there, and I don't think that's happening). Mandy is busy with her kids right now, even though I know if I asked, she would help me with something. But I know she eventually wants a job again when both kids are in school, and then there is the possibility of them moving out of the Falls. And Joan, well I don't know. She's getting married at some point, and none of us know where she'll be living yet. The thing is, they have families, and I don't expect them to be able to be there for me if I need something. I already feel guilty sometimes asking for help, even though I know that is what family is there for.
I love my friends all very much, and I know they'd help me out, but they also have busy lives. I guess maybe asking for help is the biggest issue I am having. But, this brings me to think about having a special someone in my life. I almost feel like I want that just to get help doing day-to-day things. Kinda silly. lol But I guess lately the thought of being by myself sort of scares me. And I guess, too, I admit to being a little lonely. I just wonder if there is a guy out there who could love me for me, and accept me with all my limitations. I mean, I do have phriends who are in relationships, and their significant other is supportive. It does happen! I have just never found that, except for with Euan. And I just don't know if I can ever find that again.
What I DO know is that I still need time. Euan is still in my heart, and he always will be. I'm still in the guilty stage, where I feel like I'm betraying him when I look at guys and think "Oh, he's cute," or "I wonder if that guy is single." I started signing up for one of those dating websites, got mostly through it, and then clicked off the site and started crying. I felt awful for even considering it, and I just wanted Euan back. So, I know that I'm totally not ready to consider trying to date right now. I realize that I have so many emotions and feelings to get through before that ever happens, if it ever does.
I went out to dinner on Saturday with a bunch of friends to celebrate Dee's 36th birthday. While it was a really fun time, I kinda got sad listening to a few of them talk about guys and dating. They were really frustrated with men, and the lack of decent ones out there. One of my friends was supposed to be married 4 years this month, but her ex-fiance broke it off a week before they were going to walk down the aisle. She knows now how much that was a blessing, but ever since then, the relationships she has had have been aggravating. And it seems no guy out there is willing to make the commitments anymore, or maybe it's just that she still hasn't found that one who is.
Talking about all this just got to me because I still really miss Euan. And even though I know he's never coming back, just the thought of starting over and trying to find someone to be with is upsetting. I didn't want to start over. I really wanted to be with him. I know that life doesn't always work the way we want it to. I keep wondering if we just really weren't never meant to be together anyway. Of course, I would have accepted that if he was still here. I just wanted to be a part of his life. I didn't want for him to pass away.
For the longest time I didn't mind being single. I fend for myself on my own, for the most part. I am happy with my friends and family, and just being able to do the things I want. But for the last several months, I've really been thinking about what my future holds. My parents aren't going to be around forever. Even if they continue to live for another several decades, eventually they aren't going to be able to help me the way they have been. I can't see my dad still trying to get buckets of litter for me when he's in his 80s. And my mom won't always be my grocery buddy. Then there are my sisters. Lisa lives in NC, so obviously she can't do anything for me (unless I move down there, and I don't think that's happening). Mandy is busy with her kids right now, even though I know if I asked, she would help me with something. But I know she eventually wants a job again when both kids are in school, and then there is the possibility of them moving out of the Falls. And Joan, well I don't know. She's getting married at some point, and none of us know where she'll be living yet. The thing is, they have families, and I don't expect them to be able to be there for me if I need something. I already feel guilty sometimes asking for help, even though I know that is what family is there for.
I love my friends all very much, and I know they'd help me out, but they also have busy lives. I guess maybe asking for help is the biggest issue I am having. But, this brings me to think about having a special someone in my life. I almost feel like I want that just to get help doing day-to-day things. Kinda silly. lol But I guess lately the thought of being by myself sort of scares me. And I guess, too, I admit to being a little lonely. I just wonder if there is a guy out there who could love me for me, and accept me with all my limitations. I mean, I do have phriends who are in relationships, and their significant other is supportive. It does happen! I have just never found that, except for with Euan. And I just don't know if I can ever find that again.
What I DO know is that I still need time. Euan is still in my heart, and he always will be. I'm still in the guilty stage, where I feel like I'm betraying him when I look at guys and think "Oh, he's cute," or "I wonder if that guy is single." I started signing up for one of those dating websites, got mostly through it, and then clicked off the site and started crying. I felt awful for even considering it, and I just wanted Euan back. So, I know that I'm totally not ready to consider trying to date right now. I realize that I have so many emotions and feelings to get through before that ever happens, if it ever does.
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