Daily Ponderings

Today was a crappy day. I tried to seek positivity in the morning when I got up, but since I didn't feel good from the get-go, that effort went down the drain pretty quick. It was kind of hard to take considering I had a really good weekend. So, I'll just focus on that instead! Saturday I set out to do some things around the house that I needed to get done. Once the music hit my ears, it seemed that everything was pretty easy to do. I washed some sheets, put them in the dryer and then eventually folded them and put them away. I washed the dishes, and cleaned out the microwave. I finally got rid of the tomato plant on the front porch (there were still 2 tomatoes growing, but they are in a brown bag...maybe they'll ripen and be ok to eat!), and the dead flowers in the big pot on the porch, too. Then I went around to the back and ripped out the tomato plants that never even produced anything. Next year, I will know not to start seeds from scratch, I guess. I took a little nap,...

I've been blind as a bat since the 3rd grade. Year after year, sometimes even a couple times a year, my eyes would get so bad that I'd need new lens. They got thicker and thicker the worse I got. I hate needing glasses, but there wasn't any way I could go without having them. The pair of glasses I had most were the huge green ones with lens thicker than the frames. They were horrible to say the least! Ten years ago was the last time I bought new frames. I was amazed at home much thinner the lenses were. I wore my glasses mostly at night, but I eventually became so dependent on contacts that I'd wear them from the time I got up to the time I went to bed, usually making that about 15 hours a day. Not exactly the best for my eyes! Since the glasses I had were so old, I could only wear them right before bed, if I decided I was going to read for a bit. So, I finally decided several months ago that I'd save up money to buy new frames. I really didn't like the ones I h...

My birthday weekend was rather nice. I spent time Friday night with my family, going to a Chinese buffet for a yummy dinner, and then having cake at my sister's house. One of my fav parts of the night was helping my 5yr old niece pick out food to eat, or try. When she saw the bin of clams, she exclaimed very loudly, "Clams?? I LOVE clams!!" She was so giddy about it! A woman across the buffet from us laughed and told me how cute my niece was! She is pretty cute, I do agree! Saturday I cleaned the bathroom, but tried not to exert myself too much so I could enjoy the evening with my friends. We had Game Night! We didn't seem to play too many games, though, but we did talk quite a bit. Adult Mad Libs was a hit, and hysterical, and I got 5 strikes in a row on Wii bowling! I could never do that in real life! My friends gave me beautiful gifts, and I loved them all. I must find places to put them now! I spent Sunday just resting and playing Facebook games. I still have an a...

Yesterday I knew the box I sent out was supposed to be getting to my ex-friend. I kept checking the delivery confirmation number, and yes, it was at the post office. Since I knew T. had a P.O. box, I knew that she would get a ticket or something in her box saying she had a package. And since I knew T. so well, I knew that she would be working so late on a Friday night that she would most likely get the notice this weekend. I've checked 3 times today to see if she picked up the box. A few minutes ago, it showed that she did. Why am I so nervous about it? I know I shouldn't care since she didn't obviously care about how she ended the friendship. I think I'm worried about retaliation somehow. I've already told myself I won't open and read an email from her, and I haven't deleted her number from my phone yet because if she calls, then I know I won't answer it. I'm thankful that she is states away from me, but the thought crossed my mind at one point tha...

Today is my birthday. Well, there is less than an hour left of it, but it's been a good day. I have lived 12,784 days, which in the grand scheme of things, seems like nothing. But I've been blessed with every single one of those days. I have lived those days with a life threatening disease, and I have lived a huge majority of those days with no treatment for that disease at all. Just a wing and a prayer. Many prayers. I continue to thank God for every day He allows me to have. I hope and pray that I may live 12,784 more days, and maybe even more.

Today would have been Euan's 38th birthday. I wish he could've still been here to celebrate his special day, with a new heart, a new chance at a healthier life. Tomorrow he will have been gone 6 months. The past several weeks have been a bit difficult to get through, because I've been thinking about him so much lately, and how much I miss him. I miss our long chats online. I miss the books we used to write to each other in email. I miss our webcam chats, seeing each other and waving hello or goodbye. Today I remembered everything, and wished Euan a happy day up there in heaven, where I know he's been enjoying himself. I know that I'll see him once again some day, and I can't wait for that day. But for now, what I can do in the meantime is keep his memory alive. He was a kind and passionate man, a funny man, a man who had a heart of gold. And he'll always live that way forever.

Today I sent out a 24 pound box full of "gifts" T. had given me over the years. That's as much as Mittens weighs. I'm not sure what T. will do with it. She might be shocked, she might not even open it, she might even send it back. Whatever happens, it's done. I've been praying for her because there is obviously something wrong with her for her to choose to end a friendship the way she did. No harsh thoughts. It's just The End.

Anger set in today, and I allowed it. It's ok to be angry. I vented so much today to several different friends. I vented to my 2 of my sistores. I vented to Mittens. I went around the apartment and gathered stuff that T. had given to me over the years and put them in a pile. I am debating whether or not to send them back. A huge part of me wants to, because I am so ticked off that she considered me a gold digger. I want to write to her and just tell her I feel sorry for her, and that if she thought I was just in a friendship for gifts, she never knew me at all. I'd tell her to have a good life and I hope she'd find whatever it is she is so desparately searching for. A very small part of me wants to just put the items back, or even throw some of them out. I don't know what I'll do yet. All I know is, today I allowed myself to be angry. Tomorrow I need to start forgetting.

The summer after my high school graduation, I had an interview at the financial aid office of the college I had decided to attend. It was for work study, which I was eligible for to get tuition help. During the interview, I remember I was asked whether I would like to work in the library or in the financial aid office. I had no idea what choice to make, so I said I'd work in financial aid. I worked there all 4 years of college, only taking off one semester when I had to do my student teaching. I loved working there, and I still continue to visit once in awhile because we all had become close. I met T. there during those years, and we became fast friends. We'd chat for so long when we were supposed to be working, but we were also friends outside of work. She was so funny, cracking me up all the time, and we shared so many stories about so many things. We continued to keep in touch for years, even after she moved away, which was a very long time ago. We would always get together,...

Today was the unofficial last day of summer. Labor Day is usually the last hoorah to the warm weather, even though some hot days still might show up here and there. Summer isn't technically over yet, but it might as well be. Labor Day seems to usher the fall season in, at least around here. We've already had some chilly days, in the low to mid-60s, and although many people are so happy about it, I'm sad. This is the start of "freeze-my-butt-off" season. I'm dreading the cold. Yesterday I actually got a few things done around here. I washed my dishes, swept the kitchen floor, and swiffered the hardwood. The biggest problem of the day was the kitchen sink backing up, and not being able to use it for a few days. It's interesting washing dishes in the bathroom sink. Today was a nothing day. I had wanted to work on the necklace that's been sitting on the bead tray in my jewelry room for a few weeks, but I didn't do it until after 8 tonight. At least it...

This morning I got ready to go to my friend's bridal shower, because I was actually somewhat feeling up to going. And then I started seeing stars. Damn it, a migraine was starting, which meant that I wasn't going anywhere. The drastic change in weather (a day ago it was near 90, today it barely got past 70 and it's now mid-50s) was the cause, and I was so disappointed. I texted my friend to let her know I wasn't coming, but it was no comfort to me. I spent the day sleeping and resting. I made dinner and was hoping that I could at least go to my sister's house to celebrate my BIL's birthday with cake and ice cream. I fell asleep on the couch after eating. I guess today was a bust after all.

The other day, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't totally know, but whose name I'd heard because she's been dating a guy I went to high school with. I thought, sure, why not? I added her, and the next day she sent me a message asking how I was. She also said that another person we both know had told her I make jewelry, and she was wondering if I'd be able to make bracelets for her jewelry party since she and the high school guy are engaged and will be married in March. Aha! That's why she added me! Well, of course I said yes! I'm just excited that I'm doing jewelry for a wedding again! This is the 6th time I've been asked, and I just love making wedding jewelry since it usually involves very sparkly and shiny beads!! I'm waiting to see what color(s) is needed for this wedding, and then I can go from there in planning what kind of beads I can suggest. Yay!!

It's hard to tell if my ear is getting better. The achiness is there, but it's not even near excrutiating. I think it's mostly bothersome. My sinuses are still draining, maybe more so now that I have the stronger antibiotic. I think that's a good sign. My head this morning just hurt before I even got up. The frustration of it all is wearing me thin. I did take an Excedrin around noon, and the headache and my ear are, for the moment, at peace. While this is good news, the fact that I don't have energy for much is not. I skipped rehab again today. I still need to go shopping for stuff, and yet that task is daunting. So, I haven't tried going. And my guilty conscience is eating at me. Saturday morning is my best friend's bridal shower. I don't have anything for her, but I don't even think I can make it. I know she would say it's ok. But deep down, it's not ok with me. And yet, I have to just shrug it off somehow. Saturday is also my BIL's bi...

After the yard sale we had this weekend, we stored the leftover stuff in my garage until it could be brought to Community Missions to be donated. So, I had to park my car on the street, and then I parked it right in front of the garage in the driveway. It's been so long since I've had my car parked outside the garage overnight. I used to leave it out all the time and hardly use the garage, but that was years ago when I first moved here. I had one incident where the back window of my car was smashed, either accidentally or on purpose, and since then, I've been parking in the garage. This morning I woke up around 7am-ish to take my Revatio and my amoxicillin. I got out of bed, squinted my eyes to look out near the garage (it's such a habit, I do it constantly), and my heart started racing. Omg, where was my car???? I squinted even harder, as if my very bad eyes would suddenly make a red car appear, and nothing. I swallowed my pills and tried to remember if I actually put ...