Monday, September 27, 2010

Great Weekend, Crappy Monday

Today was a crappy day. I tried to seek positivity in the morning when I got up, but since I didn't feel good from the get-go, that effort went down the drain pretty quick. It was kind of hard to take considering I had a really good weekend. So, I'll just focus on that instead!

Saturday I set out to do some things around the house that I needed to get done. Once the music hit my ears, it seemed that everything was pretty easy to do. I washed some sheets, put them in the dryer and then eventually folded them and put them away. I washed the dishes, and cleaned out the microwave. I finally got rid of the tomato plant on the front porch (there were still 2 tomatoes growing, but they are in a brown bag...maybe they'll ripen and be ok to eat!), and the dead flowers in the big pot on the porch, too. Then I went around to the back and ripped out the tomato plants that never even produced anything. Next year, I will know not to start seeds from scratch, I guess. I took a little nap, made dinner, and then watched my Netflix movie, and then chatted with phriends online until I made it to bed.

Sunday was a rather chilly day, making the apartment chilly. Someone on Facebook said something about their oven, which then inspired me to bake! I made brownies, and then chocolate chip banana muffins. And since I was on a roll, I finally decided to try making homemade hummus. I am so proud of myself, because it is GOOD!! I plan on making it from now on, it was really easy! After cleaning up from that, there wasn't really time to take a nap since I had to make dinner. I did that, and worked on a Medic Alert bracelet for someone. Then I organized some PH awareness bracelets that I want to bring to my support group meeting on Saturday. After that, it was lots of tv time! I relaxed on the couch with Mittens, and it was a very nice evening!

The 2 days were just so good. I was in a great mood, I was feeling good for the most part (some shortness of breath while doing things, but not horrible). I didn't have to take any pain meds since I wasn't in pain and had no headaches! It almost felt like the other shoe was about to drop, and I guess it did today since I just didn't feel good, and the day was lousy. But, I suppose that happens sometimes. Here's hoping the rest of the week is better. I'm still trying to get ready for the meeting, and I have no time for feeling yucky!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Four Eyes

I've been blind as a bat since the 3rd grade. Year after year, sometimes even a couple times a year, my eyes would get so bad that I'd need new lens. They got thicker and thicker the worse I got. I hate needing glasses, but there wasn't any way I could go without having them. The pair of glasses I had most were the huge green ones with lens thicker than the frames. They were horrible to say the least! Ten years ago was the last time I bought new frames. I was amazed at home much thinner the lenses were. I wore my glasses mostly at night, but I eventually became so dependent on contacts that I'd wear them from the time I got up to the time I went to bed, usually making that about 15 hours a day. Not exactly the best for my eyes! Since the glasses I had were so old, I could only wear them right before bed, if I decided I was going to read for a bit. So, I finally decided several months ago that I'd save up money to buy new frames. I really didn't like the ones I had anymore anyway. I went last week (on my birthday) to my eye doc, and after he told me my eyes were about the same (for the 3rd year in a row!), and that he could even bump me down a notch in prescription (gasp!! really?? sweet!), I went out to look at some frames. I had told my doctor that I had a budget, and I wanted to buy contacts as well as glasses. He said they'd work with me since he didn't want me going anywhere else for cheaper frames. How nice! Anyway, I was down to 2 pair of frames, and with the help of my doctor, the guy helping me pick out frames, and 2 other women who worked there, we all decided on the frames I ended up buying!

I picked up my new glasses on Thursday. They were fitted to my face, but I still had my contacts on. So I didn't really get to try them on and see how they fit until I got home, and put them on around 9pm that evening. Wooooooow, they made me feel funny. Since my eyes are used to be entirely covered with a contact lens that allows me to see anywhere I look since it moves with my eyeball, wearing glasses and trying to look around sure was going to take something getting used to! I had the glasses on until I went to bed around 12:30am. It wasn't too bad, but I knew this was going to take some time before my eyes were going to adjust to the glasses!

Yesterday afternoon, I took out my contacts and took a nap for a bit before going to my parents for dinner. When I woke up around 5pm, I put the glasses on. I went to my parents and stayed there for a few hours. By the time I got home, I was feeling pretty icky! I tried putting my contacts back on, and it wasn't any better. So, I laid down in the dark living room for about half an hour with my eyes closed. After that, I felt ok. But, I have decided that I need to do small increments of wearing my glasses at night before bed. Perhaps tonight I'll put them on an hour before bed. Then maybe I'll do that for a few days before I put them on like an hour and 15 minutes before bed, and so on. It's almost like exercising, adding small increments at a time to what I do in my workout. Hopefully that will work, because I really like my glasses, and I would like to wear them a bit more often!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunny Monday

My birthday weekend was rather nice. I spent time Friday night with my family, going to a Chinese buffet for a yummy dinner, and then having cake at my sister's house. One of my fav parts of the night was helping my 5yr old niece pick out food to eat, or try. When she saw the bin of clams, she exclaimed very loudly, "Clams?? I LOVE clams!!" She was so giddy about it! A woman across the buffet from us laughed and told me how cute my niece was! She is pretty cute, I do agree!

Saturday I cleaned the bathroom, but tried not to exert myself too much so I could enjoy the evening with my friends. We had Game Night! We didn't seem to play too many games, though, but we did talk quite a bit. Adult Mad Libs was a hit, and hysterical, and I got 5 strikes in a row on Wii bowling! I could never do that in real life! My friends gave me beautiful gifts, and I loved them all. I must find places to put them now!

I spent Sunday just resting and playing Facebook games. I still have an addiction to Cafe World and Farm Town. Oh well, it gives me something to do if I want to take it easy. I watched a Netflix movie in the evening, The Magdalene Sisters. It was alright. I seem to be into the Indie films lately, this is the 3rd one I've watched. I have a few more movies left in my Netflix queue, and then I think I will suspend my account for now. With the new TV season here, I don't think I'll be able to watch as many movies as I have this summer.

Today is beautiful, albeit chilly (for me anyway). The sun has been out, and when it was coming in through the bathroom window this morning, Mittens wanted to sit in the windowsill. So, I opened the window, and there he sat. I had to leave for bloodwork, and he meowed when he saw me outside of the house as he sat in the window. After getting poked 3 times (grrrr), I went to the credit union and came back home two hours later. Guess who was still in the window??? I was surprised to see Mittens still there, because he doesn't usually stay there that long! He meowed like crazy when he saw me, and when I finally got into the house, there he was at the door, greeting me. He's just too cute!!

While I was waiting to be told I could go home after I got my bloodwork taken (my blood is thick and stupid, and years ago, the lab had to come up with a procedure to draw my blood differently since it would clot before anyone could even test it), I saw a lab tech who also has a daughter that draws blood. The last time I had gotten my blood drawn, the daughter did it, and as we were talking, she told me how her asthma was so terrible, and none of the inhalers she'd ever been given worked. My ears went up after I heard that. I started talking to her about pulmonary hypertension, and asked her how she felt doing any little thing, like walking up stairs or down a hall, or even getting dressed. She is so short of breath doing all those things. Well, I gave her the green PH Association card, and also my business card, and told her to call me if she wanted names of doctors in this area who treat PH. I hadn't heard from her, and so I talked to her mom today when I saw her. I gave another business card to her mom, and she told me she'll definitely get her daughter to call me. Obviously, I hope she doesn't have PH, but she sure shouldn't drag her feet finding out since this disease can be so vicious if treatment isn't given asap! I'm hoping to hear from either one of them soon!

Well, it's naptime. Wish I didn't need naps, but I sure wouldn't make it through a day without one!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Delivery

Yesterday I knew the box I sent out was supposed to be getting to my ex-friend. I kept checking the delivery confirmation number, and yes, it was at the post office. Since I knew T. had a P.O. box, I knew that she would get a ticket or something in her box saying she had a package. And since I knew T. so well, I knew that she would be working so late on a Friday night that she would most likely get the notice this weekend. I've checked 3 times today to see if she picked up the box. A few minutes ago, it showed that she did. Why am I so nervous about it? I know I shouldn't care since she didn't obviously care about how she ended the friendship. I think I'm worried about retaliation somehow. I've already told myself I won't open and read an email from her, and I haven't deleted her number from my phone yet because if she calls, then I know I won't answer it. I'm thankful that she is states away from me, but the thought crossed my mind at one point that she just might come here to my house. Stupid, I know, she doesn't want to come back here. I've just got block it out of my mind!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

12784 Days

Today is my birthday. Well, there is less than an hour left of it, but it's been a good day. I have lived 12,784 days, which in the grand scheme of things, seems like nothing. But I've been blessed with every single one of those days. I have lived those days with a life threatening disease, and I have lived a huge majority of those days with no treatment for that disease at all. Just a wing and a prayer. Many prayers. I continue to thank God for every day He allows me to have. I hope and pray that I may live 12,784 more days, and maybe even more.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Birthday Memory

Today would have been Euan's 38th birthday. I wish he could've still been here to celebrate his special day, with a new heart, a new chance at a healthier life. Tomorrow he will have been gone 6 months. The past several weeks have been a bit difficult to get through, because I've been thinking about him so much lately, and how much I miss him. I miss our long chats online. I miss the books we used to write to each other in email. I miss our webcam chats, seeing each other and waving hello or goodbye. Today I remembered everything, and wished Euan a happy day up there in heaven, where I know he's been enjoying himself. I know that I'll see him once again some day, and I can't wait for that day. But for now, what I can do in the meantime is keep his memory alive. He was a kind and passionate man, a funny man, a man who had a heart of gold. And he'll always live that way forever.

The End

Today I sent out a 24 pound box full of "gifts" T. had given me over the years. That's as much as Mittens weighs. I'm not sure what T. will do with it. She might be shocked, she might not even open it, she might even send it back. Whatever happens, it's done. I've been praying for her because there is obviously something wrong with her for her to choose to end a friendship the way she did. No harsh thoughts. It's just The End.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Anger

Anger set in today, and I allowed it. It's ok to be angry. I vented so much today to several different friends. I vented to my 2 of my sistores. I vented to Mittens. I went around the apartment and gathered stuff that T. had given to me over the years and put them in a pile. I am debating whether or not to send them back. A huge part of me wants to, because I am so ticked off that she considered me a gold digger. I want to write to her and just tell her I feel sorry for her, and that if she thought I was just in a friendship for gifts, she never knew me at all. I'd tell her to have a good life and I hope she'd find whatever it is she is so desparately searching for. A very small part of me wants to just put the items back, or even throw some of them out. I don't know what I'll do yet. All I know is, today I allowed myself to be angry. Tomorrow I need to start forgetting.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A User

The summer after my high school graduation, I had an interview at the financial aid office of the college I had decided to attend. It was for work study, which I was eligible for to get tuition help. During the interview, I remember I was asked whether I would like to work in the library or in the financial aid office. I had no idea what choice to make, so I said I'd work in financial aid. I worked there all 4 years of college, only taking off one semester when I had to do my student teaching. I loved working there, and I still continue to visit once in awhile because we all had become close.

I met T. there during those years, and we became fast friends. We'd chat for so long when we were supposed to be working, but we were also friends outside of work. She was so funny, cracking me up all the time, and we shared so many stories about so many things. We continued to keep in touch for years, even after she moved away, which was a very long time ago. We would always get together, or at least try to, during the times when she'd come home to visit. We'd go out to eat, maybe go to a movie, once in awhile get drinks. I considered her one of my good friends.

Several months ago, I came to realize that I hadn't been hearing from T. The last time I really talked to her was maybe January or February, I can't really remember (my memory is terrible lately, and I blame it so much on PH and lack of o2). When Euan died in March, I had emailed to tell her, and her email back was short and simple and almost lacked any empathy. I thought it was a little weird, but I was too devastated at that time to really analyze it. The last time I had any sort of communication from her was in a phone call I missed by just minutes, and she said she would get back to me by the end of June. Well, June came and went, I called her in July, I sent a card in August, I emailed her a couple times. Nothing. I was starting to worry. In the last few weeks, I'd try googling her name to see if anything came up. I'd leave another message. I even admit that I looked up the newspaper in the area she was living to see if she was in the obituaries. Gladly, I found nothing, but still. Where was she??

Today I got a letter from her. To put it plainly, I guess I am no longer a friend to her for several reasons. A couple of them I can understand. She was disappointed in a few things that meant a lot to her, and I let her down. I just wish that she had let me know and not wait for months and months to even tell me. What I completely disagree with is that she accused me of using our friendship for gifts and money. That is flat out wrong. She was the one always asking me what I wanted or what I needed every time my birthday or the holidays came around. Most of the time I didn't want anything. A couple of years she wanted a list. Sure, I named some items, but did she HAVE to buy them? No. I certainly didn't put a gun to her head. I sure never asked her for money. I am not that type of person. If she really thought I was that kind of a person, than she never was a friend at all.

Now it makes me wonder if all my friends see me as a user. My friends give me a lot, they offer to buy me coffee or take me to dinner or whatnot. There are so many times that I either don't accept or I try to pay. I'm sorry I don't have a ton of money. It wasn't my fault that I had to quit my job and live in near poverty. But when that happened, I never once asked my friends for money to help me get by. And I feel totally guilty if they offer to pay for something, even after 10 years. So now after T.'s letter, I wonder if I do the same thing to my friends. The funny thing is, for some reason I'm not terribly upset by T.'s letter. If that's what she thought of me, that's too bad for her. What upsets me most is now I'm wondering if that's how I am seen, as a user. That's what's stabbed me most in the gut, and is now making me think twice as to what kind of friend I could possibly be.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Labor Day

Today was the unofficial last day of summer. Labor Day is usually the last hoorah to the warm weather, even though some hot days still might show up here and there. Summer isn't technically over yet, but it might as well be. Labor Day seems to usher the fall season in, at least around here. We've already had some chilly days, in the low to mid-60s, and although many people are so happy about it, I'm sad. This is the start of "freeze-my-butt-off" season. I'm dreading the cold.

Yesterday I actually got a few things done around here. I washed my dishes, swept the kitchen floor, and swiffered the hardwood. The biggest problem of the day was the kitchen sink backing up, and not being able to use it for a few days. It's interesting washing dishes in the bathroom sink.

Today was a nothing day. I had wanted to work on the necklace that's been sitting on the bead tray in my jewelry room for a few weeks, but I didn't do it until after 8 tonight. At least it's finished, I just have to make the earrings now. I got up very late this morning, so that just put a slow mood onto my day. I napped with Mittens this afternoon on the couch. It wasn't the best nap. We seemed to be fighting for space, with me trying not to move too much because I thought I'd kick him accidentally, and him using my butt as a resting place for his back feet. Oh well, I just love naps with him no matter how restful or unrestful they may be! And since I didn't get a good rest, and I'm exhausted, bedtime is early for me tonight. I am crossing my fingers I'll be able to go to rehab tomorrow since it's been 2 weeks. It'll all depend on when/if my mom calls the plumber and when/if he'll get here during the time I usually go. I'll find out in the morning!

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Failed Attempts

This morning I got ready to go to my friend's bridal shower, because I was actually somewhat feeling up to going. And then I started seeing stars. Damn it, a migraine was starting, which meant that I wasn't going anywhere. The drastic change in weather (a day ago it was near 90, today it barely got past 70 and it's now mid-50s) was the cause, and I was so disappointed. I texted my friend to let her know I wasn't coming, but it was no comfort to me. I spent the day sleeping and resting.

I made dinner and was hoping that I could at least go to my sister's house to celebrate my BIL's birthday with cake and ice cream. I fell asleep on the couch after eating. I guess today was a bust after all.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Some Good News For A Change!

The other day, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't totally know, but whose name I'd heard because she's been dating a guy I went to high school with. I thought, sure, why not? I added her, and the next day she sent me a message asking how I was. She also said that another person we both know had told her I make jewelry, and she was wondering if I'd be able to make bracelets for her jewelry party since she and the high school guy are engaged and will be married in March. Aha! That's why she added me! Well, of course I said yes! I'm just excited that I'm doing jewelry for a wedding again! This is the 6th time I've been asked, and I just love making wedding jewelry since it usually involves very sparkly and shiny beads!! I'm waiting to see what color(s) is needed for this wedding, and then I can go from there in planning what kind of beads I can suggest. Yay!!

So-So

It's hard to tell if my ear is getting better. The achiness is there, but it's not even near excrutiating. I think it's mostly bothersome. My sinuses are still draining, maybe more so now that I have the stronger antibiotic. I think that's a good sign. My head this morning just hurt before I even got up. The frustration of it all is wearing me thin. I did take an Excedrin around noon, and the headache and my ear are, for the moment, at peace. While this is good news, the fact that I don't have energy for much is not. I skipped rehab again today. I still need to go shopping for stuff, and yet that task is daunting. So, I haven't tried going. And my guilty conscience is eating at me. Saturday morning is my best friend's bridal shower. I don't have anything for her, but I don't even think I can make it. I know she would say it's ok. But deep down, it's not ok with me. And yet, I have to just shrug it off somehow. Saturday is also my BIL's birthday. I wanted to get him something, too, but once again, it hasn't happened yet. I know he won't care, either. But......

I hate disappointing people. I hate disappointing myself. I should be used to having to say no to something sometimes, but it still really bothers me when I have to. I feel as if I'm failing my family and friends, even when I know that they understand (and sometimes I wonder if they really do). I'm sure I'm not the only one with PH or any chronic illness who feels the same way. I just wish that these feelings wouldn't come up over and over again, no matter how hard I try to not let it bother me.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Morning Shock

After the yard sale we had this weekend, we stored the leftover stuff in my garage until it could be brought to Community Missions to be donated. So, I had to park my car on the street, and then I parked it right in front of the garage in the driveway. It's been so long since I've had my car parked outside the garage overnight. I used to leave it out all the time and hardly use the garage, but that was years ago when I first moved here. I had one incident where the back window of my car was smashed, either accidentally or on purpose, and since then, I've been parking in the garage.

This morning I woke up around 7am-ish to take my Revatio and my amoxicillin. I got out of bed, squinted my eyes to look out near the garage (it's such a habit, I do it constantly), and my heart started racing. Omg, where was my car???? I squinted even harder, as if my very bad eyes would suddenly make a red car appear, and nothing. I swallowed my pills and tried to remember if I actually put my car in the garage last night since my parents had finally picked up the stuff inside. But I had never left the house yesterday. I didn't know what to do, mainly because I was only half awake at the time! I threw on some clothes quickly and went into the kitchen to call my dad. His cellphone wasn't turned on yet. So I put on my glasses and took the garage door opener outside with me and opened the door. Thankfully, my car was sitting safely inside! Apparently one of my parents decided to put my car in there, but just didn't tell me. What a way to have a heart attack that early in the morning!! I'm just thankful that I was able to get back to sleep!!