Missing

Yesterday (the 15th) was a little hard, because a year ago that day was the last time I had a very long conversation with Euan. I still remember much of it, the laughter we shared, and the hope for the future after he would get his heart transplant. We talked for a very long time before he had to go. We promised each other we'd write, an actual ink-on-paper letter, because we were both thinking how people never write letters anymore. I did write that letter and sent it to him, which he received a couple weeks later (I still don't know why it takes so darn long to get a letter sent to Canada!). I never got one back. While I understood that he wasn't feeling all that great in the last month of his life, I will always wonder if he actually started one but never got to finish. Or if he just didn't know how to reply to what I had written. I'll never know.

Today while drying my hair, I completely broke down. I haven't done that in awhile. I guess the coming of the one year anniversary of his death exactly a month from today (the 16th) is hitting me. I still miss him terribly. I still long for the conversations that would last hours. I miss seeing him laugh while we both chatted on the webcams. I miss his words of encouragement, and the way we would finish each other's sentences. I wonder how long I can hold on to those memories before they vanish completely, and all I have is the rememberance of a man I loved so much.