Evaluations

Last week I received an email from Euan, and then I talked to him online later that evening. He had written to tell me that he was feeling a bit better lately, but that his grandmother's death made him evaluate his own life and where he's at right now. He told me that he sees all his friends and family members getting married, having children, owning a house, living a normal life. And he feels like he's being left behind. He wonders if he'll ever find that special someone to spend the rest of his life with, if he'll be a father, if he'll be able to make enough money to buy a house of his own. Then he asked me how I feel knowing I'll never live a normal kind of life like everyone else I know. Since we both are in situations where our health is a huge influence in what happens with our lives, he wanted to know how I deal with the fact that I may never have what I've always wanted in life.

The first thing I asked Euan when I wrote him back was "What is normal??" I don't think any one of us could say we live a "normal" life. What might be normal for one person wouldn't be normal for another. The second thing I told him was that I don't feel behind in regards to where my family and friends are in their lives. In fact, I am so close to everyone I love, that I feel I'm very much up-to-date. The people I love ARE my life. I constantly keep in touch with everyone, and vice versa. I can't stand it when I haven't heard from someone, or I don't know what they've been up to. It's not that I'm nosy, it's because I really care about them. I've always been that way, and I always will be.

I did admit to Euan that there have been many times when I've been sad that I don't have things that most people in my life have. For example, I wish that I could have continued the career that I had to quit when I barely got started. I miss teaching a lot, because I loved it. But if I hadn't quit, I might not even be here today. It was too overwhelming for me physically, and I got sick too often. But there are things in my life that I grew up knowing I wouldn't have, like a house. I can't take care of a house. I can't even take care of some of the chores in my apartment without help, like vacuuming (ok, I admit doing that, but I really shouldn't!!) or wshing floors. Forget yardwork, the thought if trying to rake or shovel gets me out of breath. I've also always known that I can't bear children. And while many people tell me I could adopt, taking care of a little baby is a physical challenge that I wouldn't be able to cope with. So I find myself being the best aunt I can be, whether it's to my sisters' children or to my friends' children. I love them all so dearly! (and when they are being fussy or misbehaving, I can give them back to their parents! hehe) And as for being in a relationship, I told him that if it's meant to happen, then it will. If not, then I'm not worried about it, because I have plenty of people in my life that make me happy.

The last thing I told Euan was that, although it took me some time to come to this realization, I am exactly where God wants me to be. I may not understand all the reasons why my life has turned out the way it is. God had His reasons. But I think they've made me a stronger person. At least that's what people tell me all the time. It's nice to be seen that way, although I know that I am not strong all the time. But right now, I am happy with my life. I've had one of the healthiest winters ever in the longest time. I hope to continue that now that spring is here. I started a support group, something I was so nervous about, but I am extremely proud of. I think I was meant to start it, and I'm so happy I did! I make jewelry, and I tutor, both of which I enjoy and can make a little bit of a profit. I'm back into exercising, which makes a difference on how I feel. I'm going to be involved in three weddings this spring/summer, and I can't wait to dance!! Life is good for me right now. I couldn't be happier.

Euan told me later that evening that my email was something he needed to hear/read. He said that everything I wrote about is what he needs to contemplate, that no matter what his life is like right now, it's where he's supposed to be. I hope that he is able to continue to move on after his grandmother died. He is a great person, I can see that and did see it when we met. Hopefully one day we can start hanging out more like we had planned way back in December. I'm not looking for anything more than a friendship with him, but I never know what will happen. He just needs to continue to get back on his feet and I hope he will be able to do that!