Daily Ponderings

The past several days, I haven't felt like myself. While I do laugh and joke with my family and friends, either in person or on the phone, a couple things have been bothering me lately. My father is one of them, because of his non-chalant attitude about his prostate cancer that I can't understand. I'm trying to just "let go" of my worries about it, since there isn't much that I can do but pray that he actually does do something about it after July (he won't do anything until after my sister's wedding, July 29th). I think the stress of the whole situation is really getting to me, and I just can't let that happen. My health will start to deteriorate if I constantly worry about him right now. Another sort of sadness started on Sunday night. I was supposed to be going to a good friend's wedding this coming Saturday. My friends, my sisters, and I have been looking forward to it for months. Not to mention my friend, who just last Thursday was telling...

My parents and I were out on the Boulevard today, picking up bridesmaid dresses, getting my dad's outfit for Lisa's wedding, and eating at Outback (boy was that tasty!). On the way home, we stopped at Mandy's house to drop off her dress, and her in-laws were visiting. We went upstairs to see Hailey and Mandy, and Ron's mom. Hailey was on the floor with Beverly (Ron's mom), and my mom and I said hi to her. When I said "Hi Hailey," she turned around to look at me, gave me this huge smile, and immediately left Beverly to crawl over to me! I just thought that was the cutest thing! She did that the other day when I stopped by to drop something off. She was in the middle of the backyard on a blanket, and when she saw me, she started smiling and crawling toward me. I guess she must really love her Aunt Colleen! :-D

I was quite busy yesterday, that I guess I totally forgot about the date. I usually pay attention to anniversaries, even when they aren't nice ones. Well, April 19th is a date that means alot for several reasons. First of all, it's been 11 years since the Oklahoma City bombing. The only connection I have to that is that Timothy McVeigh used to live about 25 minutes from where I live. April 19th was also the day my Dad got into a bad accident at work, 11 years ago. He is still having complications from it, even after having 2 knee surgeries. Now his doctor is suggesting knee replacement surgery. It seems to never end for him. April 19th is also the day that I had to quit my preschool job, 6 years ago. It sometimes seems like yesterday when that happened, but I realize how much it had to happen. I wouldn't be here today if I had chose to ignore my doctor and kept on working. I'm much better health-wise than I was back then! Money-wise, well that's a different story...

It seems like nothing much has been going on since I last wrote, but really, there has. Maybe it just hasn't been too thrilling to write about. lol Last week I started taking L-arginine. My PH specialist suggested I take it if I wanted to go a more natural route, or I could try Viagra. Yes, I said Viagra! See, I had asked him about adding something to what I've been taking, to give me a little more oompf. I have been doing well on my lung medicine, but there have been times where I've felt I needed just a little something more to give me extra energy. Hence, the Viagra suggestion, or L-arginine. And with everything I've read online so far, L-arginine works in just about the same way Viagra would work. It opens up the blood vessels more, so that more blood can flow through, especially to areas that would need it most. In my case, that would be my lungs. Interestingly enough, when Viagra was first created, it was intended for heart patients. During studies, they discover...

In the past couple weeks, I've felt the money pinch. Well, I always feel the pinch, but some months aren't as bad as others. It's months like this one, where I have to pay an extra bill (water bill, and for one person who doesn't use that much water, it's really high!), plan for a friend's birthday, pay for my car's inspection, and a few unexpected needs along the way that make me stress out completely. And this month isn't as bad as May is going to be! I really hate May, there is toooo much going on in this month that causes me to want to choke financially. I guess the lack of funds makes me feel like I'm destitute. That's not the case. I can pay my bills every month, which is a blessing. I just hardly ever have enough money for myself, to get something I really want. And when I do have money for something, I feel torn about really getting something. For example, I bought 2 bottles of nailpolish today, they weren't even a dollar. Yet...

Well, we drove to Cleveland on Monday morning, despite the fact that I was still feeling sick. I made it through most of my appointments, until the end. I did my 6-minute walk (a regular test for PH patients), and when I was finished, I was so cold that I started shaking uncontrollably when I got back to my parents in the waiting area. After 10 minutes of that, my mom finally went to tell someone. They got me in to see my specialist right away, and he wrote me a script for an antibiotic. I did get to ask him about adding something to my medicines to help me with my PH symptoms, but we didn't really get to talk about much in length. I decided to cancel the appointments I had the next morning, and we left for home Monday night. So the entire trip was kind of a bust, and I wish that I had just cancelled everything. The only ironic thing about the trip was that on my walk, I went 200 meters farther than I did the last time! Go figure! lol Off to bed I go, again!

I am supposed to be leaving in the morning for another round of appointments at the Cleveland Clinic . I've actually been looking forward to it, since I want to ask my PH specialist several things. However, I woke up this morning sick. Yes, that's right, sick!! After spending an entire winter avoiding and narrowly missing colds, I now have one! This really blows! I don't want to cancel my appointments, though. Right now, what I'm feeling is post nasal drip, a slight cough, and I had a small fever earlier (my mom said it wasn't high enough to be a fever, but I had chills, and my forehead was hot!). I've been taking that Mucinex stuff, and some Tylenol for pain. So I guess we'll see how I am tomorrow. I really hate that I am sick now!! But maybe that means I won't get sick again until the fall?? I sure hope so!

My good friend, Monique, is getting married exactly 4 weeks from today! She had a big huge bridal shower a month ago with about 100 women, but today, there were 14 of us. She didn't know where, she didn't know who was going to be there. It was at a cute little place, called The White Linen Tea House. There were many rooms where groups of people (ok, women really, what guy would go for tea?? lol) could sit and have tea and sandwiches, and a variety of desserts. I had never been to a place like this before, and I found it rather nice! It was relaxing, the food was good, and I have fallen in love with scones! I've never had them before! They also had a lot of tea choices to pick, and you get your own pot of hot water to brew whatever you've chosen. I picked vanilla, very tasty! So we all ate, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company! It was a very fun afternoon with my friends!

Today is another gorgeous day! This is a day I like to call a teaser day. Teaser days occur in the spring and the fall. They are days that are nice and warm, most of the time sunny, sometimes not. They come once in a while, sometimes in pairs, and if we're in luck, they might come three days in a row! They are days that say, "It's spring, it's nice, but not all spring days are nice like this!" And then the next day, the temperature is much cooler, and we need to break out the sweaters again. Well, most of us have to anyway! The same thing happens in the fall. No matter which season it is, we always long for more teaser days!! I have a couple of windows open, one on each side of the house. I opened the bathroom window, which enticed the cat to sit there for a few hours! He misses the windows being open just as much as I do! I also opened a kitchen window, which inspired me to clean! The dishes are done, and I took apart the burners on top of the stove and clea...

It's gorgeous out today! I thought yesterday was so nice, but today has been even better. The wonderfully warm sunshine has felt so good, and made me happy! I exercised this morning, and then made a quick decision to go visit my dad since it was almost his lunch time. I brought him some banana chocolate chip cake that I made the other morning, so he had that with lunch, too! We sat outside the pipe shop in the sun, and chatted while he ate. It was rather nice! Too bad he only had half an hour! Afterward, I went to my mom's house. We chatted, and had lunch. It was nice! Then I decided to go back home and try cleaning up some crap on my lawn. Having a house on the corner isn't always fun. It sort of becomes a dumping ground, with newspapers, bottles, cigarette packs, and a variety of other things left throughout the year! I walked around with a garbage bag, picking up various items on the lawn and hiding in the bushes. Bending over constantly is not a good thing for me, so ...

Due to the fact that I keep getting unsolicited comments about loans in my journal (which I keep deleting!!), I guess I'm going to have to put controls on the comments I get. I'll have to proof them first. Not that I get all that many, but still, what a pain!! I hate it when people try to advertise, though! Hopefully it'll stop!

Today is a stark contrast to the day 12 years ago when I learned that my Grandpa passed away. It was a beautiful sunny day, much warmer than it is today. My Grandpa had been in the hospital for almost a month, fighting every moment of being there. He constantly pulled out his IVs, or tried to, until they finally put them down near his ankle. He always wanted to go home. Little did he know that if he ever left the hospital, he wasn't going back to the home he loved. My parents had been trying to find the right nursing home for him, which my grandpa would have absolutely hated. In a way, I think it was a blessing that he passed away in the hospital, for he would have been miserable if he couldn't go back to his home. In the 12 years since my Grandpa has gone home to God, I've gone through alot of emotions. The first few years were hard for me. I cried every year on the anniversary of his death, because it still seemed like it just happened. Over the years, it's gotten bet...

Well, after my morning rant, I feel better than I did when I woke up. That's because I slept most of the day. After I got up from my second nap, I didn't feel so fatigued as I did from my first nap and when I woke up this morning. So hopefully, I'll be doing better tomorrow, too! I changed my answering machine message today, also. It now sounds like this: You have reached (phone number). Please leave a message at the beep. If you are looking for Darlene or Dana Destino, they no longer use this number, and I have no idea who they are. Thanks. I don't know if this will help me out at all, but I figured, what the heck?? It can't hurt! Not many people use my house number anyway. Except the people looking for the Destinos. lol

I'm in a pissy, foul mood this morning. I lost an hour of sleep because my house phone rang at 4:40 this morning. The phone is in my bedroom, which I really must reconsider. I let the machine pick it up, and I listened to some woman asking Darlene if she wanted to work the morning shift at S2 today, and to call her as soon as she could. The first thought that came across me after the woman hung up was, "What the fuck??" Darlene Destino is really beginning to piss me off. She gets rid of her phone number, and since I got it in June, I've gotten calls from obviously good friends, her doctor's office, the WIC program, her pharmacy, her child's school, and her work. Why on earth wouldn't you give your new number to these places??? Wouldn't you consider them important?? I am waiting for the new phone books to come out next month. If Darlene's phone number is still listed as mine, I'm calling the phone company and asking for a new number. This is jus...

Last week I received an email from Euan, and then I talked to him online later that evening. He had written to tell me that he was feeling a bit better lately, but that his grandmother's death made him evaluate his own life and where he's at right now. He told me that he sees all his friends and family members getting married, having children, owning a house, living a normal life. And he feels like he's being left behind. He wonders if he'll ever find that special someone to spend the rest of his life with, if he'll be a father, if he'll be able to make enough money to buy a house of his own. Then he asked me how I feel knowing I'll never live a normal kind of life like everyone else I know. Since we both are in situations where our health is a huge influence in what happens with our lives, he wanted to know how I deal with the fact that I may never have what I've always wanted in life. The first thing I asked Euan when I wrote him back was "What is...

Welcome Spring!! It officially arrives at 6pm today, at least that's what I heard someone say on the radio. Whatever the case, the calendar has officially ended the winter. I wish Mother Nature worked that way, though. Too bad the weather doesn't automatically switch to what it says on the calendar! Today's temperatures don't sound spring-ish at all, and it won't feel that way for most of the week! Oh well, I guess what I should be thankful for is that another winter has gone by, leading to hopefully another great summer weather-wise! Yes, I like the heat!! Spring seems to bring with it so many promises and newness. I love seeing things start coming back to life after a long nap in the cold. I saw my first robin on the golf course the other day, and I was elated! I was always excited to see robins when I was little, because I knew that meant spring was coming. Another sign of spring that I truly love are the tulips. The are my absolute favorite flower! I have...

Well, it's almost 10:30pm, and I'm sooooo ready for bed. Yes, I was supposed to be going out tonight, but we decided not to go. Erin was exhausted from being out all day, and I was rather tired myself. I went down to my parents' house for dinner, which was quite tasty! But when I went back home, I had a hard time walking from the garage to my house because the temperatures were so darn cold! Very cold air hurts my poor little lungs! As I was catching my breath in the hallway, I decided right then that I wasn't going to try walking from the parking lot to the bar. Oh well, there's always a next time!!

Not only is it St. Patrick's Day today, it is also my half birthday! LOL I am supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate my friend, Erin's, birthday (which was yesterday). Plus it's St. Patty's Day, so we'll be celebrating that, too! And why not celebrate the fact that today is also the halfway mark until my next birthday?? More reason to go out and have some fun!! Whoooo hoooo! Hopefully I can find something green to wear! Even if it's just jewelry!

I've been trying in the past few months to keep up with some healthier habits that I started for several reasons. High cholesterol and diabetes run in my family. I have high cholesterol, which seems unreal to some people since I don't even weigh 100lbs soaking wet (I'm almost there, though!). I didn't think I could get diabetes because of my weight, but apparently, the possibility is there. This scares me, because living with pulmonary hypertension is bad enough. I do NOT want to add diabetes to the list! For that reason, and several others, I've been keeping up with some healthy habits, or at least, I think they are healthy! They include: **Since a couple weeks before Christmas, I decided to start eating an apple every morning as part of my breakfast. I thought it would get to be a boring routine after a couple weeks, but I actually miss my apple when I run out of them! **I just recently decided to have some sort of cereal for breakfast with my apple and orange ...

I realized I haven't posted in like 2 weeks. Geesh, how time flies! I've been keeping busy, though. So I guess that's a good thing! I went to my friend, Monique's, bridal shower last weekend. It was nice, and one of the biggest showers I've ever been to! Of course, her wedding will be one of the biggest ones I've ever been to, with over 300 guests invited. The shower had about 120 women there! We all received nice gifts, and we each got prizes when our name was pulled out of a basket. The only glitch during the event was when one of her aunts got really sick suddenly, and an ambulance was called. She was brought to the hospital after a while, and Mo told me that she was home by last Tuesday. But I just felt terrible when it happened. She was so upset, and no one seemed to know what to do. But anyhow, it turned out to be ok, which is nice! And the rest of the shower went well. Last week I spent making some jewelry, exercising, reading, and some cleaning. I ...