Daily Ponderings

Well, so much has happened since the last time I wrote, that I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll just write about sort of losing a best friend. Another one, that is. Well, I haven't really lost him yet, I'm just trying to lose the feelings I've had for him for the longest time. He hurt me pretty bad, and couldn't be honest with me about how he felt. And that's pretty much why I don't know how to be friends with him right now. I get outrageously jealous when I think he's with someone, or even when I don't know if he is. And that's not fair to either of us. Why do guys suck?? Everyone agrees with me. lol That was the very short version of one thing that's happened since I last wrote. I think I'd take up the whole internet if I typed about all the details. lol I have also found out that I will be an aunt! My sister is going to have a baby right before her year anniversary in June. I am excited! But, I'm still get...

Today I talked with Euan! He said he is finally settled into his parents' basement, and that he has been working on a different career. Big changes! I can understand now why I haven't talked to him in months. lol Hopefully we can start talking more again, but who knows? I thought we would the last time we talked for a few days, and then he disappeared. So if we do start talking a lot again, I'll be happy. But if not, it's not surprising! He told me that for now, while he's healthy, he decided to do filming as much as he can. And he's already done a film for his friend that will be in next years Toronto Film Festival. That's so neat! He said it's a lifelong dream of his, so I'm glad that he is able to do it! I'm sure that will definitely keep him busy, so that's why I'm not so optimistic about talking a lot again. But like I said, we'll see! Anyway, that's it for now. Well, not really, but I have to eat dinner, so b...

Well, the wedding stuff is all over! It was a fun wedding, I have to admit. Such craziness!! I swear, every Schnell wedding will be like this! That's if all of us do actually get married. lol I don't think I will, but more power to the others! lol I love the pictures from the wedding, and can't wait to see more. I admit, as much as I really didn't want this to happen (and I'm still not sure about it), I think it all went well. I know they really do care about each other, despite observations that I've made or heard. I guess it's just all in God's hands, and if it was really meant to be for them, then it will all work out. But it truly was a nice wedding, and I think we need to have parties like that more often! lol Now, I need to find something to do with myself since I'm not wedding-oriented anymore! I am trying to read more, and I will try writing more, now that I can focus on it more than I could before. I also want to paint my b...

Not much going on lately, just trying to get one wedding out of the way, and working on the other. lol Renee's wedding is next weekend, and I hope that it goes well. Mandy's wedding is next month, and I'm sure it will be fun. I'm just getting a little bummed with all this wedding stuff, and not even feeling like I'll ever get close to having one of my own. I'm just frustrated, I guess. Nothing will ever happen with you-know-who, and I thought I had met another person that I got along with so well. I haven't talked to him in so long, that I just think forget it. I'm just feel like giving up sometimes. Maybe my life is supposed to be about my health, and how I overcome the obstacles I face. I just wish I had someone to share that with. *sigh*

The trip to Cleveland was a lot better than I thought it would be. My tests went well, and there are no changes to my medicine right now. I am relieved! I guess I must have just panicked to much to the point that I was making myself not feel good. I am very happy that things are ok, though. I am trying to keep it that way as much as I can!

I leave in the morning for Cleveland, for 2 days of tests, and Drs appointments. I have to say, I'm very nervous. I really don't want to be on Flolan, but I just have this feeling they will tell me I need to go on it. The past week hasn't been all that great for me, I've felt like something is wrong with my lungs. I guess that's why I'm nervous about going. I know I have to do whatever I need to help me feel better, but I dread this next medicine. I felt the Tracleer was working so well, until this past week. I am hoping that's the reason I feel this way is due to stress. I know stress is horrible for PHers. Anyway, I need to just pray that whatever the outcome is, God will help me through it. He's gotten me this far, and continues to help me deal with this illness in ways I never thought I'd be able to. This is my life, I need to do whatever to keep me going strong. I just wish it was so much easier than it really is.

I just got email from Euan. He apologized for not writing, but he's been sick since Thursday. I had a feeling that might have been what it was. Of course, I always seem to think the worst. But when it's a pattern that keep showing up, I can't blame myself for thinking that way! Anyway, I will hopefully talk to him when he is feeling better. Now at least, my mind is at ease. Yay! lol

I haven't talked to Euan, the Canadian, in about 4 days. The last time I talked to him, the father of a friend of his went into the hospital, and she was really upset, so he decided to spend time with her. I talked to him for a little bit the next day, but after that, I haven't talked to him. That was Thursday. He hasn't answered my email, I tried calling a couple times, and only got his voicemail. I am really hoping things are ok with him, that nothing bad happened. But at the same time, I'm feeling like it's happened again, that I talk to someone and really get along with them, and suddenly, something seems to go wrong. I really don't think that's what's happened now, but I can't help feel that way. I really feel I have connected alot with Euan, but now I can't help just wondering if something went wrong. I hope I hear from him soon, and hope things are ok.

It's been two weeks since I've been talking to Euan, the Canadian from match.com. He is such a nice guy, and we can talk so long! Hours go by, and we've done nothing but talk about all sorts of things! We are planning on chatting on the phone Wednesday, and he admitted he's a little nervous! I think it's actually kind of cute. lol I'm looking forward to our phone chat, it should be interesting! And the way we've been talking for hours online, who know, maybe we'll talk all night on the phone! lol I found out today that his birthday is 2 days before mine, something else we have in common, being Virgos! lol But anyway, I do really like talking with him, and I'm glad we have been conversing and even emailing for a while. I'm still not prepared to tell my friends, yet. My family knows, but that's it. I just don't want to jump the gun and say anything to anyone else, b/c I don't know what will happen yet. So we'll see! ...

Besides the guy from Canada, I was kind of talking to another guy in Buffalo. My first instinct of him when I got email from him was don't go there! But for some reason, I did. I talked to him for a few days, but was realizing that his, and these are his words, "I want to rule the world some day" attitude, just didn't fly with me. He also asked me, after describing my health, if I had a hard time with sex. That did it, I knew then I didn't want to meet him! But I didn't really tell him, I still talked to him for about 2 more days. But when he kept wanting to meet me like yesterday, I just decided not to call him again. So he left a message the other day saying he wanted to meet Friday, and if he didn't hear from me, he thought I might be "that kind of girl." I don't even know what that means! I also thought, did he really think I'd want to go out with someone who is degrading or putting someone down he doesn't even know?? ...

I have been talking to a really nice guy for the past week. It almost seems as if we've been talking for years, actually! He is from Canada, but originally from Scotland. We have so much in common, it's scary sometimes! He also has a heart condition, and may one day need a transplant. He loves to write, and has tried children's books. He is into art, graphic design. He is just a wonderful person to talk to, and I hope to meet him at some point! I think it's been helpful to know that there is someone out there other than "him." I haven't been talking to "him" too much lately anyway, which has sort of helped me. Because for a while there, I think I was just getting too depressed about everything. Now that I've been talking to this other guy, even if nothing happens between us, I've at least gotten my mind off the other one.

"Drowning in a sea of sorrow, trying to find a way to the surface. Then, I remember...I do not know how to swim." --me

I'm trying not to make too big a deal of this, but last night, I told "him" about how I have felt about him for the last few years. He took it okay, but it got to a point where I wasn't sure if he was saying stuff b/c I had told my feelings, or if he really meant it. I think I might have made him mad, although he didn't say he was. I'm just confused! However, I'm also trying not to make this a big deal. I'm sure nothing will change, it never did before, when I told him almost 4 years ago how I felt. Damn, it's been that long?? Ugh, will I ever get him out of my head?? Actually, it's more like will I ever get him out of my heart. :(

Well, I IM'd that guy last night using my other screen name. I told him I was disappointed that he had blocked me, and that if he didn't want to talk to me anymore, he could have at least told me. So when I got online this morning, low and behold, he was on my buddy list! He sent me a message and said that he blocked everyone last week b/c he had a deadline for work, and when he got to work this morning, he got a lot of angry IMs from a whole bunch of people wondering why they were blocked too. So I guess I feel better about that, knowing that I wasn't the only one. I really didn't think he would have just stopped talking to me, but I never know anymore what the hell men think! They are usually all the same! lol

I didn't think of it until last night, but this morning I went on my other sn, and put that guy's name on my buddy list. Sure enough, there he was, online. I go back to this sn, and he's not online. He blocked me. :( Why, I don't know. I'm really upset about it, I don't understand what it was that I did or said to make him not want to talk to me anymore. This is why I really hate opening up to people...no wait, opening up to guys. I just feel stupid now, and just really sad. A little angry too. Now I understand why I'll never get married, all guys are the same. :(

I had been talking to this guy online for almost a month, since the beginning of December. Very nice guy, I told him all about my problems, and he still wanted to talk with me! We talked just about every day, since he had AIM at work. We even talked over the holidays b/c he brought his laptop with him when he went away. He was flying back Sunday night to Buffalo, and we even talked right before he left. Ever since then, I haven't heard squat from him. He hasn't been online, and I called him once, and he never returned my call. I don't know what to think. I honestly don't think he would have just suddenly blown me off. He seemed like such a cool guy! I really hope something didn't happen to him. It just makes me a little sad, I hate when I get to know someone, and they still talk to me after I tell them everything, and then for some reason, we don't talk anymore. It's hard going through this all the time. I really hope maybe something just happen...

It's 2004! No, I'm not sick anymore, it's been a while since I've written. I'm finally better, it took a couple weeks to feel back to normal. The holidays were very nice, it was great having my family all together, and seeing Lisa. I really do miss her a lot, sometimes I wish she'd move back in the area one day, but I really doubt that would ever happen. But at least when she comes back to visit, she comes for more than a few days! So next week, I have to get used to going back to routine. The holidays are over, now I think I'm going to be in wedding mode. Two weddings to deal with within a month of each other, I hope I don't go nuts....or broke!