Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Shattered Faith

A week ago I found out Euan had finally gotten his call for a transplant. I began to bawl, not just because he was finally getting his chance, but because I couldn't believe how amazing and awesome God was. I had been praying so hard for 6 people in the past several months to get their 2nd chance at life through the miracle of organ donation. On March 1st, I was down to 4. I had asked God if it was possible, would those 4 people be able to get their chance during this month. March 2nd, my phriend Vickie, got her call. A week later, Rachy in the UK got her call. So when last Tuesday came around, and Euan got his call, I was in awe at the fact that God was answering my prayers. Well, it wasn't just MY prayers that helped. So many people had been praying for them all. It was just the fact that they were actually being answered that made me unable to explain my feelings on how unbelievable that was.

Then Euan died. And since then, I feel so disconnected to God, and my faith has been shattered. I know I have no right to question Him and wonder why things happen as they do. And it's not that I don't believe in Him anymore, because I do and always will. Right now, I just do not trust Him. And I'm so torn about it. I try to pray for Becky, the one person left on my prayer list for transplant, and I'm finding it extremely difficult to be sincere about it. I don't understand how I began last Tuesday so in awe and thankful for God's answers in prayer, and then by the end of the day, I don't trust Him at all. Does God even understand how I'm feeling about that? Is He sad because I lost my faith in Him? Will anything comfort me and bring Him back to Him soon? I don't know. Maybe my acceptance that Euan is gone will help bring back my trust in God eventually. Right now, that acceptance hasn't happened. I'm trying, I really am, but none of this has gotten even close to being resolved.

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