Wishes

It's the last day of March, and I can't express how much I am relieved of that fact. In the beginning of the month, I actually started not to mind March, a month I usually just don't like because it really makes winter seem to drag on forever. My prayers were being answered for my phriends who needed new lungs, the weather has been actually pretty decent in the longest time I can remember for March, and I just felt happy. Then March 16th came around. I started out that day on such a high. I couldn't believe Euan was getting his heart, I couldn't believe that another prayer had been answered. Hopes and dreams for the future with him were right there, it was an unbelievable feeling. I felt like I was in the clouds. I waited anxiously all day for news about how his surgery was going. Mid-afternoon was when I read about the complication. I don't think it really hit me at first how serious it really was. After dinner, I didn't to back to find out what happened until after I started watching Lost. And when I did finally brave it to look, my entire world came crashing down on me. Euan's plans and hopes were all gone, done. I still don't understand it. It still hurts. I'm trying so hard every day to just think about him and all the times we shared together chatting and laughing about everything. I want him back. I want his family to have him back. I know we'll always have our memories, but for me that isn't good enough right now.

I have come to realize that with every death, there are so many wishes. Ever since Euan died, I have had too many to count. I wish I had one last chat with him. I wish I could've told him I loved him again. I wish he had survived. I wish I had been able to see him in person again. I wish his family could be with him on a journey of recovering, and not mourning him. I wish, I wish, I wish.........

Comments

Anonymous said…
Colleen,
I know it is so hard to lose someone that you care so much for. I know that Euan knew how much you care. I am so happy that you had recently wrote him that letter with your thoughts...he knew ...I think you did all you could and know it hurts..and yes we always wish we could have said or done more...
Lots of hugs and love are coming your way...I am always here..
Luv ya,
11:52 PM
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