Hard Losses

Sixteen years ago today, my Grandpa S. passed away after being in the hospital for almost a month. It was the first major loss I'd ever experienced, and it was pretty bad. I was a freshman in college at the time, in my second semester. It took many years before I didn't cry anymore when this day came around. I still remember it, but it doesn't hurt. Grandpa would be well into his 100s if he was still alive, and I know for sure he would not be a happy camper if he were.

In the last 16 years, I've never really dealt with losing someone very close since then. Until now. In the past year I've lost 2 people I loved very much. Mason's death was very hard to take, even though he seemed to know he wouldn't be around that much longer by the time he had died. I was just getting to the point of being "ok" with it when all of a sudden, Euan died. It wasn't expected, I don't even think the surgeons expected him to pass. I'm not sure the hurt I feel right now is going to ever go away. I have so many questions, so many whys, so many tears that I keep shedding. I keep apologizing to Euan, wishing that he could have had his 2nd chance be successful. I know he had so many things he wanted to accomplish after he got his transplant. He wanted to be a mentor for others who were facing a transplant, and I know for sure he would've done a great job. He also wanted to have a shot at applying for a job at Pixar. Obviously, he wanted to have more time with his family, and watch his niece and nephew continue to grow up. He adored them. And I know he also wanted to be able to come over here and visit, and hang out, and hug me and kiss me (he had said that to me a couple months ago when I told him I was considering moving to the South b/c I was constantly freezing in the winter). The possibilities were endless for him after his transplant. I just want to know why he wasn't allowed to have all those chances.

I truly hope not to experience any more losses for a long time. I'm not sure I could handle anything more than this right now.

Comments

CL said…
(((hugs)))
Cathy said…
Loca2
I know wht u r feelin. It took me a long time to get over my parents death,many many years.. but uou know what I did and with time it gets better.
I know you as many of us are still trying to deal with Mason being gone, many dialy reminders.
And now this BIG LOSS of yours I know is hard... very hard.
We ask why? and we want answers. We dont always get them.
But it will get easier for you, I know it will, how long it will take? I cant answer that. But you take as longgg and u need and want. Know that I am here for you as many of your friends are :)
Love you lots!!
Momma Hen aka Heavey Beader :)
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

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