Still Lost

I spent the weekend keeping very busy, trying not to think about Euan being gone, but it only worked very minimally. I met my phriend, Cindy from Toronto, and her family on Friday at Olive Garden. It was a nice time, and I told her about Euan and what happened. We had a good lunch, and then went shopping at Burlington Coat Factory. Her one daughter entertained us by trying on silly hats. She got me to smile. It was a nice time. I cried on the way home.

I went out for dinner with my parents Friday night at the Polish Nook, for a fish fry. We went to Walgreen's and Tops after that, and I was completely exhausted by the time I went to bed.

Saturday I went to the Outlet Mall with Joanie. She needed to exchange some stuff at Bath & Body, and then we went to Old Navy. I hadn't planned on getting anything, but I found 2 skirts I liked, tried them on, changed sizes and bought them. Thank goodness for Joanie's 30% off family and friends discount. I only paid $16 for the skirts. We went to Walmart to get some things, and then had lunch at Mom's restaurant. After a quick trip to Joann's for some wire, she dropped me off. I took a nap so I could try getting some rest before going out with Eve and Erin for Erin's bday, which had been Tuesday. I got to Erin's around 8:30, Eve came a bit after that, and we went to the wine bar. I really tried to enjoy myself as much as I could. Eve told us that she was planning on getting married by the end of the summer. I tried to be happy for her, but the news was just like a knife into my heart. Not her fault. If Euan wasn't gone, I might have felt different. I got home and cried myself to sleep.

Sunday I was going to the bead expo with Mandy. When she got me, Joanie was also in the car. We got to the convention center, and after paying admission, we walked into the room full of nothing but beads. It was like taking a crack user to a room full of crack. It did take my mind off things for quite awhile. Everything was so pretty. I bought some beads, Mandy got a couple things, and we left after a couple hours. We went to Wegmans for some sushi, a few grocery items, and Joanie brought me back home. I took a long nap with Mittens, got up to make dinner, and after washing dishes, I wrote out a sympathy card for Euan's family. Then I made some bracelets for an order for a phriend, and went into chat for awhile. I'm about to go to bed in a few.

I feel like a huge part of my future got ripped out of my history. I feel tremendously sad. I go to sleep at night, or take a nap during the day, and I don't feel like I've rested at all. I wake up to turn over or move in the middle of sleep and I feel like I'm having a panic attack and I can't believe all over again that Euan's gone. I feel so shaky most of the time, like my body's going through this trauma of losing him just as much as my mind is. What is hurting the most is that I can't say goodbye like I would like to. His parents had visitations all this weekend at their house, and he was there. I wanted to go so badly. His funeral is tomorrow, and I can't go to that, either. I have no passport. I don't have an enhanced license. I will eventually, but I don't have it now. It sucks. I know I can say goodbye in my own way. I'm just not sure it'll be the same.


CL said…
Colleen. I have a small idea, not the same, but maybe ...

Work hard to get the license and as soon as you can. When you get it, travel to Euan's resting spot and say goodbye then. Then it will just be the two of you.

(((hugs))) and shared tears

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