Daily Ponderings

Ugh, I'm sick! It's not fun! I'm not too bad, but I've been trying to do and take stuff that won't let me get worse. It's the first time I've been sick in about 2 years. Last year I was always able to fight it off. Guess I just couldn't do it this year! I hope I'm not worse tomorrow, Kissmas Bash is tomorrow night, and I can't wait to see BNL!! :::keeping fingers crossed::: Well, I should go to sleep, I need rest!

It's getting close to Christmas, and I feel ready for it, even though I still have to do things like wrap and send out cards. lol I can't wait for my sister to come home, and I hope my cat won't be a pain in the ass like he usually is. Wishful thinking!! lol I go back to Cleveland on the 16th, so I am hoping I will get good news for a happy Christmas. I feel so much better than I have in a long time, so any other news than I'm doing ok will be kind of disappointing, like it was the last time. But I just have to wait and see, as usual. So anyway, that's the scoop for now! :)

I am so happy this Thanksgiving! First of all, I am always thankful for my family and friends, who have been there for me when I've needed them. My health hasn't always been easy to deal with, yet it's a little easier when I have such wonderful people who are around me to give me courage to get through the tough times. Second, I found out yesterday that my liver enzymes went back down to normal, which means I can still take Tracleer! I actually had tears when I found out. I know every month might be if-fy with this medicine, but at least for now I know everything is ok. So it has been a happy Thanksgiving! :)

I go to get my bloodwork done again today, to check and see if my liver enzymes went up more. I keep hoping they didn't, but I'm not panicking like I was a week ago. I think it's b/c we went to that healing mass last Tuesday, and after going, I've just felt a calmness I can't explain. I just hope that I will have something to be thankful for on Thursday, although I am thankful for many things already. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Jenny called me back shortly after my last post. She said my liver enzymes were up slightly, but not enough for my dr. to change anything, or discontinue the medicine. While that is good news for now, that makes me worry that in 2 weeks when I get them checked again, it'll be worse. I know I can't worry about it for 2 weeks, I just have to pray that things will be ok.

While I was babysitting this afternoon, Jenny called and left a message to call her about my coumadin and liver enzyme test results. I don't know, I could be panicking, but it seemed like it was urgent. I truly hope it doesn't mean that the Tracleer is starting to effect my liver. I really pray that's not what it is. I couldn't get back to her today b/c the office was closed by the time I got home. Now I have to wait until tomorrow. I know I can't get too worked up about it, b/c I don't know what she'll tell me at all. I just hope I won't have to stop taking Tracleer. I've never felt so good in my life, like I'm able to do things. It's such a wonderful feeling! Yet I worry that it's not working to my benefit. I truly don't want to go on Flolan. Ok, now I need to stop b/c I'm driving myself nuts. Hope I have good news the next time I write.....

I have been so happy about exercising lately. And that's because I'm not getting as tired as I used to! And I can walk a lot more! I've done a mile at least for the past several days, and the feeling is just wonderful! It is so amazing when taking a medicine can make a huge difference. I almost feel like crying at times. Granted, I still do get tired at times, but it's not as much as before. I can definitely tell there's been a change. My hope now is that this change will last for quite a while. For a long time, really! I have high hopes, but I can never be sure what my tests at Cleveland will actually be like when I go there again. But right now, all I know is that I'm happy! :)

Although I've been feeling pretty good physically lately, emotionally I sometimes feel I'm not doing so hot. I've just felt sad the past several days, and it's mainly b/c I feel so lonely. I'm involved in 2 weddings coming up next year, and although I'm very happy for my good friend and my sister, I just keep feeling like it's never going to happen for me. I also keep feeling that there really is only one person I'd really want to be with, and I know that will never happen. We'll always be very good friends, that will never change. And I should be happy that it will be that way, but I just really wish it was more. I can't get him out of my heart. I realize that I feel for him way more than what I've felt for some other guys, like an intense crush that eventually goes away. I don't feel this is a crush, the feelings I've had for him have gone on for years. As hard as I try to push him out of my mind that way, the feeling never...

I am pretty happy today! It's been the first time in a long time that I've been able to workout without feeling sick or anything. I think the medicine I've been taking is starting to help me out! It's so nice to not be tired after walking. I can only hope that it will get better! Of course, that means I keep having to yell at myself to go down and walk!! lol But if I felt this good today, than maybe that will keep me motivated to keep up with my exercising!

Lately I have just been feeling....well, not myself, I guess. I feel stuck in a place I don't want to be in. I'm not sure how I've physically been feeling lately. Some days are worse than others, it seems. And I'm not sure if it's b/c I felt like I was coming down with something, or if it's b/c mentally, I'm not all that happy. Could be a combination of both. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be ok, if I'll find something that makes me happy, if I'll find someone who'll make me happy too. Right now, I don't feel as if either of those things will happen.

I am not a fall person. Nor am I a winter person. And that seems quite silly considering I've lived in WNY all my life, and the fall and winters here are pretty darn cold! I am just complaining about the cold today, mainly b/c I am cold right now! lol I wish it was summer, although this past summer wasn't always that warm either. I can't win, I need a placel like Hawaii. That would be lovely!! :D

Today we tried on dresses for Mandy's wedding. It was nice to try on dresses that actually came darn close to fitting me! My favorite was a 2-piece looking dress, and it was in Victorian lilac. I am not thrilled about having purple for another wedding again, but this dress looked very nice! I definitely like it, and in talking with Lisa tonight, she said she didn't really care what we got. But I think she's going to her David's Bridal to try the ones Mandy liked. I just hope it's something Leah likes, too. I'll be frustrated if she doesn't! lol I think the fact that I'll be in 2 weddings this coming year is making me a little sad. Since I'm not even close to doing anything like that. I know I keep getting told I'll find someone, but it just never seems like it'll happen. And stupid me keeps missing Dave every once in a while, and it's been sooooooo long since we broke up. And it was a good thing we did! I also keep thinking ma...

I started the new medicine on Thursday. It's way too early to tell if it's working, but I hope I will be able to soon. I exercised today for the first time in a while. I thought, how am I going to be able to tell if the medicine is working if I'm not exercising? I really do hope and pray that it helps me with shortness of breath, and things like exercising. I find it discouraging when I try talking on the phone, and doing something, and I feel like I need to slow down b/c I'm losing my breath. :( That's a crappy feeling. Not much else has been going on since I last wrote. I'm just trying to keep myself busy. I went to see my second mom on Wednesday, and was happy to know she is doing student teaching this semester. I'm so happy for her! Only her portfolio is left, and then she finally has her degree. I'm proud of her for sticking with this for so long, I really hope that in the end it will be worth it. :) Well, that's enough for the mome...

It's been a while since I've exercised, which I'm not happy about. It's my fault though, it's getting to that time of year when the basement feels cold. That's no excuse, though! But I was a little worried today when I had to stop twice because I felt like I was going to throw up. I had that feeling at Cleveland, right at the end of my walk. I've never had that feeling happen before, and I'm scared that I might be getting worse. I'm hoping that, when I get the Tracleer medicine, it will help allow me to exercise better. If not, I have a real problem. However, I do realize that no matter how I feel, I have to keep up with the exercising. It's important, no matter how much I do.

I very rarely get angry at someone, it takes an awful lot for me to get mad. Even when I do get mad, I sometimes don't say it, I just keep it inside. However, this morning, I was extremely livid. And at a child, who knows better than to act the way he was this morning. It reminded me of the occasional days at the preschool when I would get mad b/c one of the kids was just not having a good day, and knew it! I made sure, when I got home, that I called his Mom, even though he begged me over and over not to. So I think someone is getting grounded tonight! I just hope he learns...in his Mom's words, "to make better choices." I like her phrase, and I hope when I'm over there again next week, that he is much better!

Ok, it's no secret from my friends who the person is that I just can't get out of my head. Unfortunately, he doesn't know, and I don't think he will. He's one of my very good friends, and has been for a long time. He is so funny, very goal-oriented, a good listener, and ok, very good-looking! We just get along so well, I wish there was more than just a friendship there. I just don't think I can say anything about how I feel, either. I have in the past, but since then, he's had girlfriends, I've seen people. It's just one of those loves that I guess I'll take to the grave...unless one of these days I get enough courage to just spill the beans and see what happens. But I'm not sure I can do that again. Ugggghhh!! The frustration....*sigh* Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) Be brave colleenie!!! i know u can do it. even though i don't know him all that well like u do i think u...

I had a great night tonight going out with my friends for my birthday. I just love them all so much, everyone means a great deal to me. It was fun being out with them! I'm glad Tom came out, and he gave me some nice gifts, which were not expected! Mo and Dee can tell how I feel about him, I just wish something would happen, but I have no hopes for that. I'll take friendship, that's about all I'll get, I guess! Anyway, now I must be getting some much needed sleep! :) Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) I don't know what happened to this entry. Sorry if it shows up with a blank blue space, there are words! Or maybe it's just my computer.....hmmmm.....Comment from melonlady1724 - 9/22/03 1:20 PM

Well, I'm 28 today. I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling about it! All I know is that when I woke up this morning, I thanked God for letting me have another year of life. So much has happened in the past year, and it's mainly been regarding my health. Who knows what the next year will bring, but I'm only taking one day at a time. That's about all I can do!

I am so happy!!! My ocean room is finally complete. All the puzzles are hung up, and look awesome. And, my father helped put up the sconces, and I put the fish in them that I bought today. They look so cool!! I feel so happy about doing a room that I love. Now, it gives me time to write again. Well, not that I really didn't have time. lol I was just occupied with wanting this room done. And now it is! :D

I had a good weekend, nothing too exciting. Except Friday, that was fun. :D I spent Saturday sleeping, then went to a movie with my Mom. We saw Whale Rider, it was really good. One of those summer sleeper hits. Not like your normal movie! Today I hung up 3 puzzles on the one wall in my ocean room. I can't wait to hang up the rest! It looks so cool and relaxing in here, I just love it. :D I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm tired, think I'll go to bed early tonight! What a concept. lol

Last night, I had a great time! I went with my sister, her boyfriend, and his friends to see a band called Strictly Hip. They played Tragically Hip songs, and then a variety of songs during their last set. They were really good! It's the first time I've been out to Bragg's in a while. I saw some people I knew, and missed seeing. And a few who I didn't miss! lol I also drank a lot more than I should have, but I had a good time with my Joanie! :D We saw Tanya out last night, and I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't. She had to of known I was there, I was standing right in front of her. Whatever, I certainly don't miss the way she acts. I was watching her, and she just seems so...I don't know, fake, maybe. I'm not sure if that's exactly the words I'm looking for, but it's a start. I hate the fact that I miss her, yet can't stand to see her the way she is. It's an odd feeling. Well, I think next Saturday, when we go out ...

It's the anniversary of 9/11, and like most people, I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was such a shock that someone....some group...of people could hate us so much as to destroy innocent lives just to prove a point. Well, they proved a point all right....they proved that the American people do not hide in fear after being attacked. They proved that we are a much stronger country than they thought we were. No matter how we are attacked, we come back to defend ourselves. And we stand by each other through the hard times. I am proud to call myself American, and I know so many others feel the same way.

I was so shocked to find out John Ritter died yesterday. I still am shocked. It's so sad, to lose someone so talented and so young. And all b/c of a heart problem no one knew about. It will be interesting to see if ABC continues the tv show he was currently on. I know everyone on it is sad and surprised as well. I pray for his family and the people who knew him well.

I'm listening to an artist I heard on the tv this morning. He's pretty mellow. So now I'm mellow. It's very tiring! lol It gets ya thinking, too. The thought that has crossed my mind lately is that next week I will be 28. And I've never known what it's like to be in love. :( Sometimes I just feel like I never will. It's really rather depressing. Why is it that I can't find someone? It always seems like the health thing gets in the way, at least, that's what it seems like to me. I'm always told I'm wrong, but I can't help wondering. So anyway, that is just one of many thoughts I've had in the past couple days that has bothered me. Other than the constant wondering of the ramifications of a lung transplant. That thought doesn't seem to ever go away. Well, time to go to bed. I'm getting way too sad to be writing much more. :( Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This...

Yea, I got another puzzle done! It looks awesome, too. :) Now I just have one more to do, and I can figure out how to hang everything up! lol I'm listening to new John Mayer, courtesty of Mr. Proctor. So nice of him to stop by and let me borrow it! And he just bought it, too! And I didn't even ask! LOL :D Ok, off to bed. I must get up early to babysit the kids! I hope the morning doesn't come too soon...I hate when that happens. :-/ Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) Another puzzle woman???? u waste no time, do ya?? lol And i saw the car of young Mr. Proctor. how nice of him to stop by with new John Mayer. and just wait until Barenaked Ladies comes out!!! I can't wait. have fun with the kiddies tomorrow!! Nite nite! love u!!! :D:*Comment from balonie24 - 9/10/03 12:46 AM

I had a productive day of shopping today, both at the "W" stores: Walmart and Wegmans! Sadly, I had to spend money...although I spent the govt's money at the grocery store. LOL So I guess that's a plus! I had a yummy dinner, then decided to start another puzzle. This time it's more fun! Lots more colors, and sea life. Very cool! I could stay up all night trying to finish....I just might! :D Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) Two words foe u woman!!! CRAZI-NESS!!!!! :DComment from balonie24 - 9/9/03 12:43 AM

Ok, this is one of many wonderments I hope to pop occasionally. Why is it that guys never wash their hands after using the bathroom?? It's like they don't care! And it's gross, too. Well, not that all women wash their hands either. I just don't understand why parents wouldn't start their children washing their hands when they are little. Anyone else bothered by this? Not that's it's something I think of constantly, just one of things I wonder about from time to time!

I finished the puzzle!!! Now I have 2 more to work on. I need a break first!! :) :) :) Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) ITS ABOUT TIME WOMAN!!!! there was just too many boats and different shades of blue for me to even think about putting that puzzle together. ur a patient woman!!! :D Comment from balonie24 - 9/8/03 12:17 AM

I'm still pretty tired, from a day of doing just about nothing! I didn't end up going to Walmart. I'll just go tomorrow. My puzzle is sooooo close to being finished, but I had to take a break. That's what I get for doing a 1,000-piece puzzle on the floor! I can't wait until it is finished....so I can do the other 2 I have! My ocean room will look awesome with them all up, so I guess all the back aches are worth it. :) Maybe I'll have another thought or two before I go to bed tonight. But for now, back to the floor! (knee pads, anyone??)

Another beautiful September day! And yet, at the moment, I'm not feeling to spiffy. :( I hope I perk up later, because I need an excursion out to Walmart. Yes, the place I should own stock in. They have enough of my money, why not get it back! I went to Applebee's last night with my sis and her boyfriend. It was quite fun, I enjoyed myself. They paid for me, which they did NOT have to do! But I do appreciate it, and am thankful! :) Well, enough for now, maybe I'll work on my puzzle until I feel somewhat better! Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) ur craziness for ur thought but ur welcome!Comment from balonie24 - 9/8/03 12:18 AM

I just got back from the Peach Festival. I feel like such an adult. I remember when we were little, and couldn't wait to go there for the games and rides. Now that I'm older, I can't wait to go there for the food, and the stuff for sale! However, I still debate on whether to get cotton candy or a candy apple to bring home. I opted for the candy apple! I'll enjoy it later. There were a lot of people there tonight, the nice weather certainly helps. So that's about it for the Peach Festival. Another year down. Who knows how many more to go! Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY Comment from balonie24 - 9/8/03 12:40 AM

Well, I thought I'd try this out. I have a journal I keep to myself at home, but I thought I'd like to just type out thoughts online. Heck, that's where I am half the time! I hope to just add random thoughts as much as I can--about the weather, about what I'm doing, just about anything. With that in mind.....today is a beautiful, sunny day! It's getting warmer, should be a great day for the Peach Festival. Hopefully I'll get a chance to go! I've been going since I was little, it's almost a tradition. So anyway, that's about what's been going on today so far. It's been kinda a lazy day, I'm just tired. Either that, or I'm trying to avoid doing my dishes. haha Written by melonlady1724 . Link to this entry This entry has 1 comments: ( Add your own ) It is a beautiful day in the nieghberhood!!! :) I just got out of work and a little frustrated with the way people drive. But I shall relax and go to the Peach Festival myself when...