Eyes Wide Shut

On Thursday night, I was talking to a good phriend, and I had been telling her how I've run into some rather cute guys in the past week. The point I was trying to make was that I'm starting to look around again, even though I'm still not too sure how I feel about maybe trying to join the dating scene again. Part of the reason is that I still miss Euan a lot. It doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning when he died. In fact, usually when I think about him nowadays, it's because I heard something or remembered something that reminded me of him. Usually it makes me smile a little, or sometimes it makes me tear up a bit, but I haven't cried over him in a long time. Yesterday afternoon was a little different, though. I was in the middle of making a necklace, and I thought of Euan, and I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of panic because I realized he wasn't around to tell him anything. It was as if I was just realizing now, seven months later, that he was gone. I almost couldn't breathe. I have only felt like that a couple times, and the other time was a couple months after Mason had died. I can tell you that it's not a very comforting feeling. I eventually calmed down, but it was quite unbelievable knowing that my mind was having a hard time grasping the concept of loss for a few minutes.

Another reason I'm not sure if I'm ready to go out into the shark tank is because, well, I'm afraid. I don't really think I've had that much luck finding guys who actually want to deal with someone living with an illness. Many moons ago when I used to talk to men online (something I haven't done in ages), everything would seem fine and dandy until I'd tell them about my health. Some of them would be curious, some wouldn't even stick around. I've had dates that were just one time deals, and then I'd never hear from them again. I mean, I know that happens to all of us. As much as I'm secure about going out in public with oxygen and not caring anymore what people think, I totally don't feel that way about dating. I guess I just don't want to go through 100 frogs to find someone decent again. It gets a little depressing knowing someone doesn't want to date you because you have a tube up your nose, or you get tired from just doing a household chore (because gosh, if you can't change the bedding b/c it gets you so darn tired, how do you deal with sex?? No, seriously, I've been asked that). When it happens over and over and over, well it's no wonder that I've stayed single all this time. So, I guess what I'll just do for now is keep my eyes open. I know there are opportunities out there, I just have to be willing and able to find them (when I'm ready).


CL said…
Just keep yourself open. Your prince might be hiding in an unusual place or right before your eyes. Whoever Mr. Prince is, he will understand and love you for you, not what you look like or can do.
Jen said…
Ya never know Loca, as I said just keep your eyes open always..YOu are so right, this is a huge step for you! I know that you still miss Euan so very much...I love ya..Lots of hugs :))

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