Daily Ponderings

Ever since Friday, there's been this strange silence. It feels so weird not to be listening to an oxygen concentrator. I mean, it has been a part of my life over the last 9 or so years. To hear nothing is just odd!! I will eventually get used to that, but it might take me awhile! Today another silence is upon the house. My upstairs neighbor knocked on my door this afternoon, and when I opened it, she went to give me some rent money, and broke down crying. She said she was sorry, she had just put Frasier down that morning. I was taken aback. I told her how sorry I was, and she hugged me and kept apologizing for any problems she caused. All I could think about were the times I got irritated with Frasier barking so much, but many of those times I just dealt with it through listening to headphones. I asked if Frasier was sick, and she said they think he had a tumor. She was just inconsoleable, and turned to go upstairs. I told her if there was anything she needed to please let me know....

Yesterday, I was introduced to the world of liquid oxygen! Yep, I decided to go for it! Mandy and Ron came over on Thursday night to take apart the daybed. I situated the room for jewelry and for space for the 2 reservoir tanks that I knew would be coming, and was all set for Friday's delivery. The o2 guy came in the afternoon (I'm pretty sure his name was Mike, but I am phorgetting already lol), and I showed him the area I wanted the tanks. He did suggest that I put them in the front hallway, maybe at another time, because it would be so much easier for them just bring the dolly up the stairs and fill the reservoirs, instead of traipsing through the house with wet or snowy dollys in the winter. And the tanks will fit! So, I'm thinking next Friday when they come to fill, I'll just have them move the tanks into the hallway anyway. Mike (?) showed me how to use the tanks. They seemed pretty simple enough! The tricky part was trying to show me how to use the cute lil Helio...

Last summer, I had the unfortunate opportunity to get a visit from a representative of a group called US Energy Savings. The guy explained how the electric company's supply services constantly can go up, and if you signed up with US Energy Savings for 5 years, you are guaranteed to be locked into one price. So no matter what happens, if the electric company's supply goes through the roof, you still pay for the price you got locked into when signing up with them. So, I thought sure, why not. I signed up for it, and several months later wished I hadn't. You only had 30 days to cancel their service, but I forgot, and never did. If you tried cancelling earlier than the 5 year contract, you'd pay a big fee. So I felt stuck at 11 cents a kilowatt, which was the rate I was locked into after signing up. In June, I received a letter from them. They said that after I signed up, they neglected to send me my welcome information. So, because of their error, I was given 30 days from ...

I've been on oxygen for almost 1o years. In all that time, I've used a concentrator and portable tanks. Well, I'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to change this. Why? The electric bill is just getting out of hand. I'm on the budget plan for National Grid, but I still have to pay at least $100 a month! I have tried so much to cut down on energy. I've changed almost all my light bulbs to the new energy saving ones. I keep my toaster unplugged, parts of the computer unplugged, the washer unplugged. I'd unplug the dryer, but I just can't reach the cord all the time to keep taking it out and putting it back in. I'm just at a loss, and I don't know what to do to make my bill cheaper! I hadn't really considered getting liquid o2 before because I just don't have the room. The hallway wasn't safe because of having a tenant upstairs. Every room of my apartment just didn't have the space for the liquid o2 unit. I have a lot of furnit...

Last night around 8:30pm, I started noticing lightning in the skies. It wasn't much at first, but within half an hour, it was getting worse and worse. And cooler and cooler. It got really bad and very bright at some points, which made me get off the computer and just watch the lightning from my dark computer room window. I am always amazed at thunder and lightning. I love the storms, except when they cause damage, of course! I had never seen a lightning storm like last night, though. At 1am, when I was finally dozing in bed, it was STILL going off. I couldn't believe that almost 5 hours later we were still getting the lightning!! We have chances of thunderstorms for most of this week, but I am pretty sure I won't ever see a night of heaven's fireworks like that again, at least not for awhile.

This weekend is the annual Lewiston Art Festival, something I've loved to go to for quite a long time. I've been to it almost every summer for at least the last 10 years, and it's been running even longer than that. There are so many different artists who make such a wide variety of things: handmade jewelry (they are supposed to make some aspect of the jewelry, whether it be the beads, hammered silver, something like that, but I'm telling you that some of those vendors are NOT doing that!!), pottery, glass pendants, pictures and paintings of all sorts, wooden items, etc, etc. I love to go to just browse at everything, especially the jewelry and any glass items. I like to get ideas, and I just love looking at anything glass! This year I went with mom and Joan. We got there a little after 1pm, and had to walk a bit to get to the main street where it's located. This year, they changed a few things, including closing the main street to traffic. BRILLIANT idea!!! There ...

August 2, 2009 I guess I had a better night's sleep. I've only been up for 45 minutes, and haven't ventured downstairs yet. But I am dressed and mostly packed. We'll probably leave in the early afternoon. I've enjoyed my visit here, but I'm not sure it brought me the peace and comfort I was looking for. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just feel lost. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I'm hoping thise feeling of emptiness will pass soon. I'm looking at all the pages I've written since I've been here. Wow, I got a lot out. I'll be typing all of it into my blog when I get back. My handwriting has sucked through most of these entries. No wonder I've enjoyed blogging so much more since I stopped writing in my actual journal! --------------------------------------------------------- Ok, this is me writing in the here and now! It's August 5th, and I got home safely, for the most part. Mom was getting tired on the way bac...

August 1, 2009 I woke up at 6am, and thought about looking out the window for a possible deer siting. I was just too tired to do it. So a little after 7, I woke up again to take Revatio and took a quick peek. Nothing. I woke up again close to 10am. After breakfast, a shower, and getting dressed, I felt like I already needed a nap. Grandma told me just to go lay down since we weren't doing much, so I came upstairs for awhile. I guess I feel better. I'm not totally sure. We are supposed to visit mom's Uncle Eddy in a bit, and then go to church, then to Aunt Beverly's for dinner. I'd like to ask Beverly about hosting a jewelry party for Mandy and me. She knows quite a few people, and she loves hosting parties! I can't see her saying no! I don't know what it is about this trip, but I feel more and more that perhaps I need to go talk to someone again like I did years ago when I was dealing with so many emotions. Mason's death is one blatantly obvious reason t...

July 31, 2009 I had a somewhat restless night. It's still raining, and it's very blah out. Gee, kinda like home! I woke up at 6:30am and decided to see if I could spot any deer in the backyard. I put on my glasses and sat on the floor to look out the window. I thought perhaps I had spotted a deer, but the gloominess of the early morning and the fact that my glasses are not the same prescription as my contacts made me finally realize that it was just part of a tree. Duh! So I went back to bed, woke up about an hour later to take Revatio , and looked out the window again. Still no deer. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. ---------------------------------------------------- We just got back from having lunch with my cousin, Ryhan , and two of her daycare kids. We had the lunch buffet at Pizza Hut. It wasn't too bad, considering I never eat there anymore. The kids get to eat free, so that's a plus! Afterward, mom and I went to a store called Bargain Hut. Mom grew up knowing the shop ...

I went to my Grandma's house in Horseheads, NY last Wednesday to Sunday with my mom. I wrote. A lot. So, I'm going to type the entries I wrote here. I'd scan them, but my handwriting isn't the best for some reason, and I don't want to blind anyone. lol July 30, 2009 I'm sitting on my Grandma's front porch listening to music. My mom and I got here last night. We had left around 3:30, a little later than my mom had wanted. The trip isn't that long really, about 3 hours give or take. The ride down started out wet and a little worrisome. My mom was rather sleepy! When we stopped at the Scottsville rest stop, she got a snack and a drink, and that helped. I had also popped in my Michael Jackson CD, and we bebopped to that the rest of the way! We at at Friendly's when we got into town. It was rather noisy in there! We lost our Friendly's over a decade ago, so I forgot how loud that place could be. By the time we ate and got to Grandma's, it was clos...

When my Grandpa S. died 15 years ago, I got several items from him, including a table, his glass candy dish, and his hope chest. The hope chest has been in my parents' basement all this time, which I didn't care about for the first 10 years since I hadn't moved and then when I did move, I kinda forgot it was there. But the past couple of years, I was really hoping to have it. It needed to be stripped and stained and completely refinished. My mom said last September she'd do it, and had started, but the stripping stuff was making her ill. I had tried to help her, but that stuff is really lethal!! I finally asked Eve in June if she'd come over to help strip it and stain it, and she spent a Friday afternoon at my parents' doing just that. So, here are the pictures! A week after she stained the hope chest, I bought the stuff to put over the finish, and put it on a couple times one of the days that Lisa was here. Finally last week, the hope chest was brought over by ...

A month ago today we lost Mason, and it still seems like it was yesterday. The pain isn't as unbearable as it was that first week. But I still miss him like crazy. I still see his picture sometimes, and my brain just can't comprehend that I won't be talking to him anymore. And that brings me to tears. It's getting better, but I know it's going to take time. I'm still trying to keep myself busy. I went back to rehab today, which was a little brutal since I hadn't exercised in a week. I didn't bother going while Lisa was in town last week. I have to pay for another 8 sessions very soon, but unfortunately just don't have the money this month to do it. So I went today, but I won't go Thursday. I'll do the same next week. And if I have to, I just won't go for another week. I can exercise at home, which is good. I just can't give up the rehab because I KNOW myself. I won't exercise at home regularly!! My hope chest is done, except for t...

The last night Lisa was here, the sistores went for coffee with Brandon, the baby, and Lisa's friend, Kat. Kat took a picture of the 4 of us, since it had been so long since we last took a sistore pic! So here we are, from left to right: Mandy, Lisa, me and Joanie. I love you, my sistores!!

A little Southern baby arrived with his mommy and daddy in Niagara Falls on the 4th of July for a week-long visit, and I can't believe how much he has grown since I met him in March/April! My nephew is just beautiful! He's so much more alert now, and has little smiles and tiny laughs, too. It's amazing how much babies change in just a few short months. Heck, even in a couple weeks! He is really growing well, and that makes me happy! Our family spent the 4th at Mandy's house for dinner, and it was a lot of fun! Lots of good food was had, stories to share. The best part was seeing how enthralled Mandy's kids were to meet their cousin for the first time! Every time the little guy made some sort of noise, my niece would say "What's the matter with the baby??" It cracked us up! My nephew would give his cousin kisses, which was really cute to see. It'll be neat to watch them all play together when the baby gets a couple years older. I wish we all lived r...

When I go through really tough times, I tend to rely heavily on music to help me get through the rough patches. This has been especially true since Mason's death. I've been listening (and crying) to music that reminds me of him, or happens to tell how much he meant to me. I've also been listening to music that he liked, songs he told me about, and songs I tried to get him to like. lol I was listening to my earphones late one night, unable to sleep, and the song "Who Knew?" by Pink came on. I listened to the lyrics, and they just really fit. Who knew that I'd only Mason for 3 short years? If someone could have told me that I wouldn't know him much longer, I'd never believe them. It feels like he has always been there. I think the biggest problem I'm trying to get over is the fact that I had been wanting to tell him for weeks how much he meant to me, and that I loved him as a best friend. I had told him that a long time before, but when he was in the...

When I found out Mason was in the hospital, I had bought a card for him to let him know how much he meant to me, and that I hope he'd get well soon. Sadly, I couldn't give him that card with the words I had wanted to write. Instead, several days after he passed, I wrote the following to him. Hopefully it can be read by a phriend today at his funeral service. I wish I could be there to say goodbye, but I will be going down by the Niagara River at the time of his service to remember all the wonderful things we shared. Dear HB, I had bought this card when I found out you were in the hospital. It's short and sweet, but it says everything about our friendship. I feel like I've known you forever instead of the 3 short years we got to know each other. I feel such a void now that you are gone. I miss starting my days with you, and I miss you being the last person I said goodnight to. I miss all our conversations in between. But-I am sure you hear me talking to you all during th...

Sad and shocking news today in learning about the death of Michael Jackson at the pretty young age of 50. I don't care much about all the negative crap about him in the past several years. I love his music. LOVE it. He is such an American icon, and I know his music will live on forever. Here's a live video of one of my fav songs, Billie Jean!!

Growing up with pulmonary hypertension and congenital heart disease was sometimes lonely, because there wasn't anyone around me who felt the same way I did physically. No one had to stay out of gym because they got too tired and too short of breath like I did on a constant basis. No one had to wear a holter monitor like the one time I had to in 4th grade. Talk about trying to play mum ball in class, all you could hear was the monitor thing making noise. Although I could always go to sports games, I wasn't able to participate in any type of sport, because again, it was just physically way too much for my body to handle. I didn't really regret any of this. I thought it was just me and my normal. I thought I was the only person out there who really dealt with this kind of thing, but that was ok. I graduated high school, and started college. I worked, went to classes, and in the last year of college, started going out a lot more. I graduated with my education degree, and began ...

No kitchen flooring!! Everything got ripped up, including the subfloor. The wallpaper was all pulled down, too! The body drawing of Ron on the subflooring. LOL!! Kinda faint, but you can see it if you look closely! My face contribution and the date we ripped up the floors! My niece's drawing!! Isn't it cute?? I think it was a self-portrait! lol Part of the new wood laminate flooring! More wood flooring..... Ta-wa (as my nephew says!) Dining room flooring is done!! The rug is back in place, and looks nice with the floor! The newly painted kitchen...it's a green color, not sure if you can really see it! I tried another shot in the corner, still not sure the green comes out all that good! Some of the new kitchen floor! Part of the kitchen floor! Almost done with the kitchen! Another Ta-wa!!! Kitchen flooring is done! The kitchen going into the dining room!

Yesterday was another day of remodeling at my parents, but there wasn't much I could do, except kid patrol again. My mom showed up with the kids at my house a little after 11am, so we hung out in the yard for awhile. I showed them London, the pigeon (who is still residing with us despite the fact she's supposed to have a home?? Oh well! lol), and they were fascinated! That kept them entertained for about 10 minutes. My mom was trying to clip weeds, and the dead lilacs off the tree, and I got a big garbage bag so the kids could help clean up since they loved doing it yesterday at my parents. However, my nephew just wasn't having a good day, so my mom said she needed to walk back down to the house. My niece didn't want to go! I said I'd take her inside for awhile. My niece had a blast finding all my bettas, looking for Mittens in the cupboard, and coloring and playing with stickers on my kitchen table. She LOVED sitting on the high chairs! I realized a little after 12...