Daily Ponderings

Near the end of last year, with all the busyness of the holidays, I started realizing how happy I truly had been for quite some time. I reflected on how 2015 and the few years following were so difficult to get through, but also that I eventually conquered those difficulties to the point where I was loving life again!! I was doing fairly good healthwise, exercising quite a bit, still meditating daily. I was enjoying all the things that go with the holiday, such as buying gifts for family and a few friends, going to holiday events for the nursing home, spending time with loved ones almost every week. Christmas came and went, and it was nice! Even though I spent the New Year by myself again as usual, I didn't mind. I was in a happy place!! I had excitement and hope for 2020 and new things to come!! BRING ON THE NEW YEAR!!! BUT THEN........ In January, stuff started happening with my parents' health. My mom had some inconsistencies with some tests that had to be investigated. ...

I have lived in Niagara Falls, NY, my entire life. I have seen the Falls many, many times over the years. I've seen them just walking in the park to watch the fireworks down there. I've seen them by boat, on the Maid of the Mist , at least 5 or 6 times (the last Maid trip, it hailed while we were also being pelted by rain and mist from the Falls themselves! lol). I have yet to see the Falls from behind in the Cave of the Winds , but hopefully soon! This summer, I saw the great Niagara Falls and beyond from a view I had always been told I should see them from, but was never really sure I wanted to....FROM ABOVE!! In June, after one of the fun casino trips with the seniors at the nursing home, I decided to drive around downtown to see the streets and possible places to park if I ever decided I wanted to go to one of the many events happening during the summer. I eventually ended up near the helipad of Rainbow Air . With a few moments of hesitation, I thought, why not go over th...

The moment I was born, I was a sick baby, even though doctors couldn't figure that out until I was 9 months old. I don't know what it's like to be totally healthy. I spent the first 28 years of my life knowing I had 2 holes in my heart, and pulmonary hypertension (PH), although no one really explained that second half to my parents or myself. Then when my daily symptoms of shortness of breath, and extreme fatigue turned into an elephant sitting on my chest constantly, I was eventually introduced to the PH world. I started seeing doctors at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio who specialized in the disease, plus a cardiologist for adults living with a congenital heart defect. I was eventually started on a PH medication, and that first shipment of medication almost 16 years ago led me to the online world of a PH community. From message boards to chat rooms, I suddenly realized that I WAS NOT ALONE!! The PH world became MY world for so long. I would read messages for hours, replying ...

I was looking for some journaling prompts tonight, and came across this one: List 30 Things That Make You Smile. So, here goes....in no particular order of importance: 1. Tulips 2. Hearing any Janet Jackson song 3. A baby's laughter 4. My kitty girl 5. Getting exercise done 6. Making a healthy meal 7. Helping a new phriend in their time of need and sometimes despair 8. Talking with an elderly person about their life 9. A conversation with an old friend 10. Spending an afternoon with my parents 11. Talking to any of my sistores 12. Watching a butterfly 13. Pushing myself to do something out of my comfort zone, and then loving what I did 14. Looking at old photographs and remembering exactly what was happening in them 15. Watching a betta fish swim around in it's tank 16. Smelling a baked good in the oven 17. Hearing my phone ring 18. Painting  19. Opening the windows on a warm day 20. Waking up to Gra...

Exercise. It was something I was pretty much told to stay away from when I was growing up. Doctors  initially couldn't give my parents a direct answer about me taking gym class, so they finally decided that I would do better without it. So, my entire school career, I never took a gym class, and I never participated in sports. Even though I ran around with my sistores and neighborhood friends playing Hide N Seek and Capture The Flag, it would exhaust me, and I'd have to rest for an awfully long time. So, no exercise regimen or sports for me! Then, when my PH symptoms got worse, and I eventually was referred to Cleveland Clinic, I was told I'd have to do a 6 minute walk. I had no idea what that really entailed, but I tried to start walking on my sistore's treadmill to "practice," and holy moly, did I feel terrible!! But, I kept trying as much as I could to walk so that maybe I could "pass" this 6 minute walk thing. Unfortunately, when it got t...

The other day I was in Hobby Lobby for some clear Elmer's glue for a project I'm doing next week with the seniors at the nursing home. Since the glue was almost near the back of the store, I took my time wandering up to the front to cash out, and stopped at a display of signs. The one below really spoke to me, and so I decided that I had to have it: Ever since I had to quit working at the ripe old age of 24, I have spent the almost last 20 years occasionally wondering what my purpose was supposed to be if I couldn't work. Sometimes I had such terrible guilt about not going to a job every day, and sometimes I felt judged by it. But, there has never been anyone in my life who has outright made comments to me about not working. And, to be honest, the only person really judging me is.....me. It hasn't been until the last several months that I have actually been OKAY with not working. Why did it take so long?? I guess maybe because I found some answers along the way...

It's been, once again, forever since I last wrote in this blog. I have always done that with any diary/journal/blog I've had since I was little and had my Cabbage Patch Diary (which is still in my drawer!). Sometimes, I am just not inspired to write. Sometimes, I feel like my writing is boring. I think I need to change that. I was thinking of finding some sort of article or challenge of writing almost every day on different topics. I'll have to do some research. But, tonight, I at least wanted to brush off the proverbial cobwebs of my site, to get some words out there in the internet. And, I wanted to also put it in "writing." I've been happy lately, and that speaks volumes to me.

Another summer-like day in October happened today, and that was alright with me! I am loving this weather, although I am very aware that it will end soon enough. I haven't yet switched over my wardrobe, and plastic hasn't been sealed up over the windows. I'm still hoping I can hold off on that for another couple weeks. We'll see! Today, I had a PH support group meeting. I've sort of lost count of how long I've run this support group, but I know it's well over 10 years. I enjoy having meetings, because I get to see my phriends! But, I REALLY enjoy the meetings where I have a speaker, which I've had for almost all the meetings this year. It's very hard to come up with new topics after having a support group for so long, especially when not too many new people show up, or come once and then never again. I have repeated a few topics, but there are still a few that I haven't had at all. So, I need to prepare for next year's meetings soon so I ca...

Wasn't it just September 1st?? The month that brings the last few weeks of the dog days of Summer, and then ushers us into the crispness of Fall?? I swear, this year September just flew by with a blink of an eye, and today it's October!! I'm always sad when Fall starts, even though it seems everyone around me is giddy with excitement. Fall means colder days are ahead, and I'll be pretty much spending my days from now until late spring in long underwear since my circulation is not that great!! lol I'm trying to have a better attitude about the long Winter days coming ahead, especially since I don't think we'll be as lucky as the past couple years with "warmer" days that allowed me to get out a lot more than usual during the cold season. I keep hearing and reading rumors that we'll get a bitter winter with more snow, but of course, that remains to be seen. Getting out a lot the last couple winters helped me some with anxiety that didn...

This past weekend flew by so quickly! It's hard to believe it's already Monday again. So, I'll sum up the weekend (which means, I will elaborate on everything lol). Friday was spent with my Dad at the Cleveland Clinic for my annual check up. We left a little after 6am since my first appointment was at 10 and it takes about 3 hours to get there. But, I'd been up since 4:45 for whatever reason, so I was rather tired! When we got to the Clinic, I had my first appointment, which was an echo. The technician who did mine was so thrilled because he never gets congenital heart defects, and he said I was the most exciting case he was going to have all day (granted, it was 10am, I sure hope I wasn't the only interesting case lol). After that was over, I got some blood work done, and then my Dad and I had time to eat some late breakfast/early brunch before my next appointment. The Clinic has different cafes in many of their buildings for people to get something, and the one ...

Actually, yes, it is still technically Summer even though it's September! I think people get to this month and automatically thing that it's Fall because most kids go back to school, the weather starts getting cooler, and the leaves start changing. Pumpkin-everything becomes available, and people long for Halloween. Oh my, just stop!! I am never ready for this change!! Today's weather, and the weather for the rest of the week, makes it sure feel like it's still Summer! Where was this weather for most of the ACTUAL Summer?? I spent a lot of time on my front porch this morning and afternoon because it was warm and beautiful out! It made me happy! Sadly, I got rid of my two pots of flowers since they were pretty much done growing. But I still have my chair on my porch in the hopes that I can still use it for a little bit longer before I have to store it. I had originally planned to do a lot more than I did today, but I am trying to live by a thought of "Because Yo...

I AM trying to blog more. At least, I keep telling myself that, and then I don't end up writing something because by the end of the day, I'm too tired or I forgot what I wanted to say. I need to just jot things down. lol It's already the second weekend of September, and it's almost over. I have a love-hate relationship with the month, because it means summer is on it's way out and I have to wait FOREVER for it to come back (the HATE part), but it also means it's my birthday month (the LOVE part)! And then that is over, and before you know it, Christmas is here (HATE/LOVE at the same time lol)! I don't know what I'd like to do for my birthday this year. I just saw on my Facebook memories that two years ago, I went to a Paint Nite with a bunch of my friends and two of my sistores. That was a lot of fun! Last year, I had dinner with my family, which was nice. This coming weekend, which is my birthday weekend, is kind of busy. Friday I have to go to Clev...

In the last week or so, I began seeing Facebook posts from local friends of a field of sunflowers in an area about 20 minutes east of me. I have seen a field of sunflowers once before, several years ago while on a trip with my mom to her hometown of Horseheads, NY. Right before we arrived there, I spotted sunflowers galore from the highway, and it was just so awesome! So, when I started seeing the pictures of friends enjoying the beautiful flowers, I knew I wanted to go for a drive! I did so on Friday afternoon. It was bright and sunny, although a little cool for my liking, and the drive was pretty easy. I knew I had arrived at the location of the field when I saw tons of cars lined up on the side of the road, where usually people aren't allowed to park. And then I saw the sunflowers. I was already in awe before I pulled over, and very excited!! My mom didn't want to come out with me, so I got out of the car and carefully crossed the road to the sunflowers. I could tell the poo...

Today wasn't the greatest day for me in dealing with anxiety. It started with a phone call just after 8am that I didn't answer because I wasn't even really awake at that time. The phone number showed up as "Restricted," so I ignored it, and then listened to the sound my phone makes when someone leaves a voicemail. About half an hour later, since I couldn't go back to sleep, I listened to the message from the nurse at my gynecologist's office, telling me to please call back as soon as I could. Wonderful. I was trying not to worry about it as I called back 10 minutes later, but I had to leave my name since the nurse wasn't available at that moment. I continued to get ready for pulmonary rehab, but my mood just wasn't the greatest, and I could tell the anxiety was creeping up. Exercising helped a little, but trying to keep myself occupied when I got back home was hard. I eventually showered, and called the office back after drying my hair. The "p...

This afternoon I had to get some blood work done for two different doctors. One script was for my regular testing to make sure my liver still likes the PH medication I've been on for almost 14 years, and to make sure I'm not pregnant (don't really need to do it, I know I'm not lol), and the other script was to check hormones, thyroid and a few other things for a problem I've been having. I went after volunteering, and the place was nice and quiet, so I was out of there shortly after. Before I left the building, I decided to use the ladies' room. While I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and noticed all the gray hairs that were coming out of the top of my head. My normal reaction to seeing them is "Ugh, I really need to get my hair done!" But today, my instant reaction to seeing them was: "I should be thankful I have gray hairs, because it means that God's allowed me to age." It took me aback that THAT thought popped into my h...

I am constantly struggling every day with what I'm DOING every day. And if what I'm doing is worthwhile. I think because I don't have a job, I feel like I'm wasting my time. And yet, my heart knows this isn't true. But my mind is having huge conflicts with this, and I just don't know how to get over it. It's the biggest cause of my anxiety, and some days it's just terrible. I keep telling myself the only person judging me on how I live my life is ME. ME alone!! And there is no reason for that! I am proud of myself for the things that I have found to do to fill many of my days....like exercising, yoga, meditation, volunteering, painting, etc....and yet, I feel like they mean nothing. I tell myself over and over again that my life isn't like anyone else's, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I just wish I could learn not to be so hard on myself. This issue would bother me once in awhile, but it's been awful since breaking up with the ex....

So, after reading a couple comments left on my last post, and some of Facebook, I was very open and honest with A. after we watched the Bill sadly lose their game today (UGH, such high hopes crushed in the 2nd half lol). I could tell he was a little alarmed as I was telling him how I was feeling, but I made sure he knew it wasn't anything he was doing. I told him the things I enjoyed about him, and that some things I'm still trying to get used to since I hadn't had that in my previous relationship, and that yes, there was a part of me holding back a little. I told him it might take some time, but doesn't building a relationship take time anyway?? See, these are things I need to constantly tell myself! lol I also told him if I feel I need to distance myself, to realize that it's not him, it's me and that I need to just take a breath and gather my thoughts. I also told him hugs were greatly appreciated. We certainly did that tonight, and I do feel a bit better tha...

Back in May, even though I was anxious about it, I put myself back into the dating world by creating a profile on one of those dating websites. It happens to be free, which I can afford, but it really has some interesting characters. Well, I suppose the ones you pay for do as well, but that wasn't the route I could really go down. Anyway, I have chatted with many guys since then. Some don't last past a few conversations, some have led to meeting in person, but then nothing after that. A few I texted for awhile, but nothing really happened. It's been an up and down roller coaster, but at least I've been getting myself out there, or at least trying to. During the last week of October, a guy sent me a message, and after some back and forth messages, we talked on the phone for awhile one night. He seemed rather nice, we had a lot to chat about, so we met in person on November 1st. He's a handsome guy with nice eyes, even though he says they are a boring brown. I think...

Tonight during meditation class, we had to focus on certain things, and I kind of wandered off topic in my head to make myself make sense of my current life. Although I am busy, going out almost every day, I still think I am not doing anything with my life. And yet, it's so untrue. So I looked back at what my life was like before K, and even while going out with him. I exercised, sometimes worked on jewelry, did housework when needed, and spent a huge amount of often wasted time on the internet. While dating K, I did much of the same, except I often waited to see what/when/where I could spend time with him.  I often found myself getting to the weekend and leaving it wide open to see what we'd do, instead of making plans with other people, or actually just spending time doing something on my own. Tonight I realized that during the time I went out with K, I spent so much of my time doing minute things, and the rest of the time was spent waiting to see what I'd do with a man w...

Today was a decent day. Today I did my best, and I am proud of myself. I made a necklace set for a phriend who asked for a certain color before I went to volunteer at the nursing home. I took a couple pictures of it so I could send it to her through Facebook, and later on, she told me she loved it. Yay! Whenever I get her check, I will send it out to her! I'm glad she asked me to make it. I love it when people have requests. I got another request this morning from another phriend, for a shot glass. I will have to work on that this weekend! Volunteering was good today. I did a room visit with one of the ladies that works in the Activities Room, and then went back to Activities. A resident, Jimmy, was there. Usually he is waiting for me to play a game with him. So I asked about Blackjack. We played that for about an hour before he went back to his room. There were a bunch of other residents in the room after awhile, and I helped some of them do puzzles and play a game. Just chattin...